Someone unseen

I almost always come here when I'm frustrated, upset, or overflowing with things to say with no one to listen. If someone were to only read my blog I suppose it wouldn't be a very balanced view of who I am. I guess that's not the purpose though... I don't have a blog to express who I am, sure that comes in to play... but I think it's more therapeutic than anything. Clearly, I think about the people who read it, but more than that it's a way of putting my thoughts in order before the Lord. It's almost like I'm writing to him, yet also getting the satisfaction of it being put out publicly to be concurred with. We all want to know we aren't alone, don't we?

Well, tonight I'm here because my family is screaming. Fighting. Arguing. Allowing the evil one to get a foothold over something totally not worth it. Everyone pointing figures yet no one taking the time to think that there is someone unseen who has caused it all. From an outside view, I know that they would never allow such an event to cause them to speak so viciously towards each other. One small comment that mounts to an argument we all know isn't worth it. What is this trivial subject? Dogs. Yup. You heard me. Dogs. We have four dogs and they got into a nasty fight. I'm not interested in telling the story, lets just say everyone has their own opinion on how the situation should have be handled and everyone has a favorite dog.

Ridiculous. That's all I can think. Absolutely ridiculous that we let something like this reduce us to how we've acted tonight. If we let petty arguments like this break out in our home, how are we ever suppose to be strong enough to stand together against world. I know that sounds dramatic but if we can't be meek, forgiving, and patient among those we love most, how will we practice that among the fellowship of the body of Christ? Which is an essential part in staying strong in the Lord. And I know my family is not the only one. As Christians we are called to different. Using an excuse for ourselves as being "normal" should never come up in our vocabulary. We are called to be different. We are called to strive for perfection. We are to labor steadfast with what we've been given (Matt. 25:14-30, Luke 19:12-27).

A Moment in the Mountains

I actually wrote this on the 6th but didn't have internet so it's just a tad late.


My family and I are on vacation in Yellowstone with my mom’s whole side of the family (minus a few that weren’t able to come… 14 of us in all). It has been amazing. It took us two and half days to drive here. I’d never seen real mountains before I saw the Rockies. They completely took my breath away. I spent a lot of time with the Lord during the drive. It was just my immediate family and headphones were an essential to survive. Nearly half of my day involved reading my bible, praying, worshiping at the sight of His beautiful creation, and reading Christian novels. But I don’t want to focus this post on those first few days; they were great with just a hiccup or two due to tight corridors with sisters.

What I do want to talk about is that past three days or so. Once we got to Yellowstone things got hectic. With such a big group there is vary rarely a quite moment and I feel guilty sticking headphones in because being here is suppose to be about family. It takes us forever to decide what we’re doing and where it is. Haha Needless to say, I have not spent nearly as much one on one time with Jesus. I’ve kept up my bible reading but vary rarely in a quite place alone and I also pray continually. My roommate is my Aunt who talks endlessly and I have four younger cousins here who are always ready to play. There was one point where dad and I hiked farther than everyone else up to the base of a waterfall. I was able to sit for a while and read some psalms but the group was quick to tell me we had to move on. By day two in the park I was depressed. It was frustrating. I’m in such a beautiful place with family that loves me so much…. How could I be sad? My self-esteem was low too. I’ve been looking at pictures of me and these beautiful waterfalls and mountains. I feel so mediocre and plain.

I’ve been reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge for a second time. It has challenged and taught me just as much as it did the first time. This time though, it’s had a slight negative affect too. I do not doubt there are plenty of good Christian men who have been able to take their wounds to the Lord and grown into strong leaders. What I do doubt while reading though… is that there is one that will love me. I know it sounds dramatic and silly. Eldredge summed up my feelings when he said, “No one is fighting for her heart; there is no grand adventure to be swept up in; and every woman doubts very much that she has any beauty to unveil.”

Then yesterday I was reminded of a few things. We were headed back to Old Faithful Inn after driving around all day finding waterfalls while a few others in our group had been horseback riding. Exhausted, depressed, and frustrated because of it I curled up in the backseat by myself and pulled out my ipod. After reading my daily chapters, I starred out the window at the mountains. Then a lesson hit me that I’ve already learned once before but because of what I’ve seen needed to be taught again. In Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge (woman version of Wild at Heart) there is a paragraph that asks you to think of the most beautiful scene on earth you’ve ever seen (the beach, mountains, anything that involves nature), then Stasi asks the reader to realize that you, as a woman of earth, are more beautiful than all that. Each step in creation was more complex, more beautiful. Dark and light, water and earth, and so on. The last thing created was woman and it was not as an afterthought… all this was incomplete without me. It should also not be taken for granted that God is far more beautiful than all his creations on earth and what I’ve seen is only a glimpse of his glory.

Then my thoughts went a step farther. I am more important than all this. Those mountains don’t have souls. The Lord made those mountains to reveal is love and showcase his glory. Above all else he wants relationship with me. When that fact is once again resonated throughout my body… the thought of not being loved by a Godly man becomes much less depressing. El Shaddai is fighting for my heart. He offers a great adventure and my role is essential. Because of Him I have much beauty to unveil. I have all that I need. He will care for me and if his will, bring me a man of after His own heart that I can share that adventure with.


Unfortunately, Satan couldn’t stand me dwelling so confidently in the Lord and hit me hard again last night. That struggle is harder to publically talk about, which is probably what makes it more lethal.

Sometimes I get annoyed because I feel like I’m relearning so many essentials of my spiritual walk that I should already know or have conquered. I pour myself out to him, what more can I do? I know there will always be struggles… but shouldn’t I just have new ones? Haha Am I really growing at all if I still fight the same battles? I’ve never really had a mentor and what I would give to change that! My parents and I have almost walked our spiritual walk together and I guess I’ve just never met an older woman with whom it all fell into place. I guess it’s not an essential, but it sure sounds appealing.

Mmmmkay, I think I’m done. I can’t think of a graceful way to end. If you’ve read thus far… I’m surprised and would love to hear your thoughts. ;)

We're all shipwrecks

Stolen Poems

A few stolen poems that make me feel better to read because they remind me I'm not alone in my feeling.

She sat alone on an island

Hills cascading into the fog

Staring at the swords drawn

From armies left on the other side of the sea

She stayed

Blue from the cold

Purple from the loneliness

But unmoving

Against the pressures from society

I Haunt My Own Mind
Confusion haunts me
As I wander the corridors of my mind.
Peeking into rooms filled with memories
I laugh, I cringe, I cry, and I feel terrified
All over again.
I shut the doors,
Feeling even more confused.
I stumble upon empty rooms
Waiting to be filled with new memories.
Some labeled, while others remain a mystery.
I shake the doorhandles to open
To show me the future I have yet to experience.
But they do not give way.
For I have not gone through those events yet.
I bang my hands on the doors
Pleading with them, with God, with myself
To show me what to do.
But all remains silent
And I am left to wander the hallways of my mind
Feeling worse than I did before.

I want someone who’d hold me close
and kiss all of my fears away.
I want someone who wants to be with me
without the need for asking him to stay
I do not need a love that’s perfect
I just have to know if it’s real and true.

Freedom

I've had this overwhelming feeling of freedom and peace lately. Not to say that certain stresses I've been dealing with lately like money and family issues have gone away. I just feel better about the idea of those things not working out anytime soon. It is all about perspective. My whole world could come crashing down and it would be ok because I have a relationship with the Lord of Lords. This is where my entry starts to sound corny because there are no words to express His glory and the utter importance of the relationship involving Him. Nothing else matters. I could end up not having enough money to go study abroad in Italy and He'll still be my Abba and will have great plans for me despite. My family may never get along or understand me, but He understands me completely. I may end up deserted in every romantic relationship... but the greatest lover of my soul will forever pursue me. Each day is another day to relish in his unfailing love and an opportunity to declare his splendor.

"If we were as concerned with our spiritual condition as we are with our homes and our businesses and our income; we would go forward spiritually at a great rate." - A.W. Tozer

"Whom have I in heaven but you?
I desire you more than anything on earth.
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart;
he is mine forever."
-Psalm 73:25-26



I've been a bit restless lately; annoyed with the requirement of work and the binding power money can have. I just want to have adventure. I'd rather pack up all my stuff and rough for a whole summer and get to rock climb all over the country. Unfortunately, that's not how it works out. The Lord has given me peace here too though. While I still desire to do that, I also know that the greatest adventure is that relationship with Him and the challenge of helping others to find that relationship themselves. He created those mountains and I know he wants me to experience them, but they are not what is most important. Patience. All good things come to those who are patient.

"1 Come, let us sing for joy to the LORD;
let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.
2 Let us come before him with thanksgiving
and extol him with music and song.
3 For the LORD is the great God,
the great King above all gods.
4 In his hand are the depths of the earth,
and the mountain peaks belong to him.
5 The sea is his, for he made it,
and his hands formed the dry land.

6 Come, let us bow down in worship,
let us kneel before the LORD our Maker;
7 for he is our God
and we are the people of his pasture,
the flock under his care.

Today, if only you would hear his voice,"
- Psalm 95:1-7 NIV



Update on 6/22
This entry became even more real today. All I need is You, Lord. And I wish others could see that all they need is the same. When my heart aches... He's there to hold me. It'll all be alright. Faith. He doesn't promises me no pain, but he does promise a happy ending. And hopefully some stinkin awesome moments before then.

Sharing the Wealth

Thought I'd spread the wealth of wisdom I've discovered. Here's a combination of sermons, books, and music that I feel have taught me and helped me grow.

Sermons:

The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating
By Andy Stanley
Got this one from my friend Bethany Chapman. :) It's a 4 part sermon so therefore... very long, but sooo worth it. I took a good three pages of notes.

Fire & Water
By Damon Thompson
Got this one from Miss Kayla Hatch. It's a 3 part but not as long as Love, Sex, and Dating. He's pretty up in your face, but I tend to like that kinda stuff. ha

Get a Job
By Ben Stuart
My friend Chloe Birdwell gave me a sermon after a break up I had my freshman year of college by Ben Stuart called The Undistracted Devotion. It was amazing and exactly what I needed at the time. I looked him up on the internet and found a site with a bunch more sermons for free by him. He's pretty funny and I've probably listened to at least 25 of his sermons.
More sermons by Ben Stuart

The Magnet of Meekness - Breaking through the Heart
By Mike Bickle
Kayla introduced to me to Mike Bickle. He's the founder of IHOP (International House of Prayer) in Kansas City. His website has a TON of sermons to listen to. This one in particular hit me hard, though. If you have a pride issue, prepare yourself. His site is well organized so I'd really encourage you to go look around and find a sermon on something that you struggle with. I don't agree with all that he says but he's definitely a man after God's own heart.
mikebickle.org

Choices
By Billy Graham
The classic Billy Graham. He's always a good choice and refreshing.

Books:

The Bible
By God
I know it's such a "sunday school answer" to list this. But seriously. It doesn't matter what you read or listen to, you have to be rooted in this first. How then can you test what you read if you don't examine the truth for yourself?

Mere Christianity
By C.S. Lewis
Really, anything by C.S. Lewis is a worthy read. Amazing and I vary rarely find something I disagree with. It's harder to concentrate on though because of the mix of his old english, high education, and deep thoughts.

Captivating
or
Wild at Heart
By John Eldredge
Girl and Guy versions. I read both and would suggest both. I can't tell you how many quotes I have throughout my journals that come from these two books.

Anything by A.W. Tozer.

Tracie Peterson
I was once that teenage girl that read Nicholas Sparks more than anything else. While his books aren't horrible... they definitely didn't help my spiritual life either. Sooo, if you're a woman who likes her romances, you should look up Tracie Peterson. She was my switch from Sparks. It's historical romance christian fiction. Kinda corny, but so is Sparks. ;)

The Mark of the Lion Trilogy
By Francine Rivers
Everyone always talks about Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. I read it, but wasn't super impressed... almost annoyed with how long it dragged on. But her Mark of the Lion Trilogy... AMAZING. I read all three books over Christmas break one year (and their not small books). This is again historical romance christian fiction, but I know a few guys that like it too.

Rob Bell
This man has definitely made me think. I've read a few of his books (including Velvet Elvis, Sex God, ect) and watched quite a few of his Nooma videos. He has quite a bit of truth in his early stuff. But as of late, this man has gone off the deep end. I'd be very careful in reading his material but as long as you test it, I think it can still help you grow.

Passion for Jesus
By Mike Bickle
Founder of International House of Prayer (IHOP). I'm really hoping I can visit there sometimes soon. *fingers crossed*

Blue Like Jazz
By Donald Miller
It's good. Nuf said.

Celebration of Discipline
By Richard J. Foster
I had to read this for a bible class at Harding. I don't remember who the teacher was... Andrew Baker maybe. Anyway, the class responded in different ways to it. Some didn't seem to like it at all, but I personally like it a lot and highlighted the crap out of it.

A Young Woman After God's Own Heart
By Elizabeth George
For all the pre-teen girls. haha I read this in Jr. High and think that it definitely started me out on a great path of learning and growing.

I Kissed Dating Goodbye
By Joshua Harris
Probably something I should read again even though I just read it within the past year. I read a TON of dating books throughout high school... and I wish I would have read this one first. But who knows, I probably wouldn't have been as receptive to it then. Harris has some extreme ideas that our culture will scoff at (hence the title). I've heard there is a sequel he wrote after getting married and I'd like to read it.

Music:

Hillsong
To all my church of christ friends that don't listen to much instrumental music... hearing this group could change your mind. So much emotion for the Lord... I love it.

Your Hands
By JJ Heller
Many of her songs are good but this is my favorite.

In Christ Alone
By Page CXVI
An amazing classic song redone very well but also in a more modern way.

Kim Walker
I especially like her version of How He Loves.

Joy (Live) Album
An album made from the worship services at IHOP. Various artists. Absolutely amazing. My favorite... if I had to choose would most likely be He's Alive by Laura Hackett and Cory Asbury

The Almost
Great band. I've cried countless times to Amazing Because It Is. They also have a good version of Your Love is Extravagant.

Sweet Sweet Sound
By Sarah Reeves

Pick Me Up
By Hideaway
I don't even know if anyone will be able to find them. They were a local band I saw play a couple times that I have a cd of. This song has helped me through many low points. "I wanna cry, when our worlds colliade. Our hearts are breaking. This sin is taking me from you. I wish I could find a way through the darkness in my heart, it's tearing me apart from you. I hate it when you find me here, cause I've fallen down the same place again. I got the same look on my face of guilt and sorrow. But I'm coming back tomorrow. Can you pick me up again?"

From the Inside Out
There are lots of good versions of this song. I probably listen to the one by Seventh Day Slumber the most.

A Mirror Is Harder to Hold
By Jon Foreman
He's just... great. haha

Stand On Grace
By Jimmy Needham
I memorized Needham's Benediction from his Speak. album for a sermon I preached once at my church. Good stuff.

Alright I should probably wrap this up... otherwise I'll go on forever.

I'll end with Barlow Girl, Tenth Avenue North, Skillet, Sanctus Real, Mychildren Mybride, and FM Static. They coached me through most of Jr. High and High School.


.... That was ridiculously long. I should be job searching. Later.

High standards + insecurity = complicated mess

I've debated for awhile whether or not to blog about these thoughts. I don't want to think about it but I do anyway... it's a bit unavoidable. My thoughts are just muddled, which is also my main reasoning in decided to blog about it. Maybe if I organize it to some degree then I can work some of it out in my head.

I've always been told and I've always believed that I have high standards. High standards for myself and for those around me, especially those I care about. Growing up, my parents rarely had to get on to me for things likes grades or goals in other areas. I held myself to such a high standard that when I failed I was more upset than they were.

When it comes to my family, having big ideals has really damaged my relationship with one of my sisters. She feels like she can't ever be good enough for me. That's not how I think though, I love her how she is. My love for her is unconditional. I just also see how much amazing potential she has and how the bad decisions she makes will only hurt her.

Guys. This is where the insecurity comes in. If you ask me what I want in a guy I again have "high standards". I don't think I'm over the top or unrealistic, but they are certainly up there. Although... if you look at my dating history, the high standards have gone out the window. Many of the guys I've dated were no where close to meeting those standards and I knew it from the beginning. So do I really have them? If I don't follow through with them then maybe they don't exist like I think they do. If that's true then where do I start in deciding what my standards should be?

As of late, my high standards have left me feeling very alone. Not just in relationships with guys, but with people in general. This one is hard to explain. The only way I can think to put it in words is individual stories, which I don't really want to tell. I just feel different.

It's not really a grace problem. I know people will fail and I'm ready to love them despite it. I screw up so much and I'm very willing to give the same amazing grace the Lord's given me to the people around me. I've prayed regularly for the Lord to allow me to love people more like he loves them. In return I've found my heart swelling with so much love that at times I literally feel like I might burst. My heart breaks. What gets me is when people try to make their sins and mistakes ok or just not so bad so they can do it again. Honesty, with ourselves.

Alright, I'm done. I don't know how much this as all helped in figuring stuff out, but I feel a bit better.