I've debated for awhile whether or not to blog about these thoughts. I don't want to think about it but I do anyway... it's a bit unavoidable. My thoughts are just muddled, which is also my main reasoning in decided to blog about it. Maybe if I organize it to some degree then I can work some of it out in my head.
I've always been told and I've always believed that I have high standards. High standards for myself and for those around me, especially those I care about. Growing up, my parents rarely had to get on to me for things likes grades or goals in other areas. I held myself to such a high standard that when I failed I was more upset than they were.
When it comes to my family, having big ideals has really damaged my relationship with one of my sisters. She feels like she can't ever be good enough for me. That's not how I think though, I love her how she is. My love for her is unconditional. I just also see how much amazing potential she has and how the bad decisions she makes will only hurt her.
Guys. This is where the insecurity comes in. If you ask me what I want in a guy I again have "high standards". I don't think I'm over the top or unrealistic, but they are certainly up there. Although... if you look at my dating history, the high standards have gone out the window. Many of the guys I've dated were no where close to meeting those standards and I knew it from the beginning. So do I really have them? If I don't follow through with them then maybe they don't exist like I think they do. If that's true then where do I start in deciding what my standards should be?
As of late, my high standards have left me feeling very alone. Not just in relationships with guys, but with people in general. This one is hard to explain. The only way I can think to put it in words is individual stories, which I don't really want to tell. I just feel different.
It's not really a grace problem. I know people will fail and I'm ready to love them despite it. I screw up so much and I'm very willing to give the same amazing grace the Lord's given me to the people around me. I've prayed regularly for the Lord to allow me to love people more like he loves them. In return I've found my heart swelling with so much love that at times I literally feel like I might burst. My heart breaks. What gets me is when people try to make their sins and mistakes ok or just not so bad so they can do it again. Honesty, with ourselves.
Alright, I'm done. I don't know how much this as all helped in figuring stuff out, but I feel a bit better.
No comments:
Post a Comment