Compare Game

Lately I have found myself playing the compare game. Some girls just have such unique styles. Earthy, sporty, classy, vintage, girly, indie… whatever. I don’t feel like I have one and it bothers me sometimes. While I don’t really feel like sharing my whole story on how this has been occurring lately in my life… I am definitely willing to share my revelation God has given me about it.

“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” 1 Peter 3:3-4

Those “styles” that we all like so much… are worldly. Plain and simple. And what is of the world doesn’t matter. God looks at the heart.

The Bible tells of the time that Samuel was searching out Israel’s king with the guidance of the Lord. God had narrowed it down to Jesse’s sons (David’s father). When Samuel was meeting with Jesse’s son to pick the king he quickly laid eyes on Eliab because he was good looking, “But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”’ (1 Samuel 16:7)

So, yes, some man may pick another girl over because she carries a presence and style that is enjoyable and beautiful by earthly standards. But I love the Lord. And if that is not the most important, attractive, characteristic to him, then I deserve someone better. And the same goes for the MANY other girls who I know have struggled with self-esteem. God adores you. :D He loves you.

Rapha

There is two kinds of brokenness I want to talk about. 1) Holy brokenness 2) Worldly Brokenness

Holy Brokenness.

"Concerning the prophets:
My heart is broken within me;
all my bones tremble.
I am like a drunken man,
like a man overcome by wine,
because of the LORD
and his holy words."
- Jeremiah 23:9

When praying lately I have started to ask God to break my heart over the things his heart breaks for. He has answered that prayer and continues to every day. I ached and broke when that junior higher told me he didn't want to be christian because he wanted to have sex before he was married. I ached and hurt when I learned that a beautiful girl I see every week cuts herself. My body physically, spiritually, and mentally hurts when I realize that have yet again I have sinned against the one God that will always love me.
I hope I never become numb to that realization. I think we do sometimes, I think family is a great example of this. All day long we give our very best to our colleges, peers, and the rest of the world... but then when we return home, to the people who love us most... they get whatever is left. The stress, the frustration, the anger, the complaints... it's all taken out on the ones we love most. Why? Because we know that they will always love us. If we were to act that way to our classmates... we would quickly loose popularity. I think we often do the same to God. We know he will forgive us, so it doesn't always bother us as much as it should when we continue to make the same mistake over and over. We can't let that become an excuse to become hard-hearted or to sin more.

Wordly Brokenness.

The world breaks me too, but not in a way that produces anything of value. It wears us down, it lies to us, and constantly tempts us without relent. The world tries to tell me that if that one mortal man doesn't want me... then that makes me less. How silly! God alone decides my worth!!! and he's already told us that we are worth more than pearls or rubies. But despite that reassurance we still ache don't we? It still hurts when a friend turns away from you. It still hurts to be rejected or ignored by a parent. There is hope though... God heals. He is Rapha. He is the healer.

"He sent forth his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave."- Psalm 107:20

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."-Psalm 147:3

"Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."-Psalm 103:2-5

Let him heal you. :)

Monster

"When I am a monster,
You never wince,
When you look at me.
When I am a freak, you never stare.
When I am a leper,
You never say unclean,
And when I am lost,
You come and get me free."
-Monster By The Almost

He knows all my terrible thoughts.
He knows my every sin.
He watches as I stubbornly take the wrong path.
He hears every complaint.
He knows it all. And he loves me.
More than anyone else ever will or could ever be capable of.
He is the Prince of Peace, Abba, Hessed, Savior, Creator, Lord, and God...
and he loved me first.
He knit me together in my mothers womb,
he wanted me to have blue eyes, brown frizzy curly hair, and pale skin.
He thinks I'm gorgeous.
All the battles I encounter are fought for me, by HIM.
Strengthening my feeble frame he shows me the way.
My heart is broken but he holds it together with is unfailing love.
My Savior.
My Creator.
My God.
He is always there for me.
He keeps his every promise.
I need him.
True love.
More than boy and girl love… a creator and creation love!
Agape love.
In Jesus alone my atonement is known.
I am an instrument of the living God.
So, Lord, hear the song of my life and let it be a sweet sound to you.
You are more than enough.
I have found the love that completes me.
And it comes from El Shaddai.

Undignified

Psalm 14:2-3 "The Lord looks down from heaven and the sons of men to see if there are any who understand, any who seek God. All have turned aside, they have together become corrupt; there is no one who does good, not even one."

For much of my life I've felt like the stiff religious girl. With this passage though, God is showing me a different way to look at it. Passionate. I can NEVER be too into my God! I can NEVER be too obsessed in pleasing Him. You might be wondering how I get that from these verses. Allow me to explain. :)

2 Samuel 6:14-16 "David, wearing a linen ephod, danced before the Lord with all his might, while he and the entire house of Isreal brought up the ark of the Lord with shouts and the sound of trumpets. As the ark of the Lord was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart."

David (in the Psalm and his story in 2 Samuel) reminds me that I am not the best. This humbles me, "no one is good, not even one." I'm not too into God, that's impossible. I'm not even close! While this does humble me extremely it also encourages me! If I would just stop trying to compare myself to those around me I wouldn't be worrying if I looked like a freak. If I keep comparing myself to Jesus I will stay humble and not slow down my attempt to be better. When we try and compare ourselves to our neighbor who we think is less spiritual we get an attitude that says, "I'm doin better then them, maybe I can kick back a little."

2 Samuel 6:20- "When David returned home to bless his household, Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet him and said, "How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, disrobing in the sight of slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!" David said to Michal, "It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the Lord's people Israel-I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor."

Isaiah 58:1 "Shout it aloud, do not hold back. Raise your voice like a trumpet..." Don't hold back? Could that mean be undignified? :D "... Declare to my people their rebellion and to the house of Judah their sins."



I often have to remind myself of this subject. I have a two foot long "JesusFreak" design on my back car window just for this purpose. I'm not one to hide my faith but I am one to let myself feel I'm weird or crazy. I WILL BE UNDIGNIFIED FOR MY SAVIOR! It's ok if I'm excluded for my passion in Christ. So many other Christians have experienced much worse. I will not allow myself to be lukewarm. I am a JesusFreak.

How bold are we in our faith? Is the strength of our convictions and beliefs determined by the crowd we are with? Are we faithful in our walk with the Lord as long as things run smooth or are we sold out for Him even to the point of death?

1 Timothy 1:7-9 "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline. So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life-not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time."

10 Random Thoughts :)

Thought Number 1: (actually given to me by one of my good friend's dad haha)
What Christmas tends to be: A whole lotta people giving a whole lotta stuff to people who already have a whole lotta junk.
What Christmas should be: A whole lotta people giving a whole lotta stuff to people who have a whole lotta nothin.

Thought Number 2:
I'm totally excited for drawing and composition next semester :D



Thought Number 3:
I can't believe my first semester of college is almost over! weird!

Thought Number 4:
God is so good :)

Thought Number 5:
I don't understand men.

Thought Number 6:
I'm watching G.I. Joe and I'm totally confused. Probably because I'm doing this.

Thought Number 7:
I'm not ready for break to be over. I haven't seen everyone I wanted to see/ hang out with. I haven't gone rock climbing at petra yet :(. And I'm not looking forward to the english paper and speech when I get back.

Thought Number 8:
When the head of state didn't play guitar
Not everybody drove a car
When music really mattered and when radio was king
When accountants didn't have control
And the media couldn't buy your soul
And computers were still scary and we didn't know everything
(ok so their not my thoughts, their Sandi Thom's but I like it)

Thought Number 9:
I love to read. :D But never have seem to have enough time to as much as I'd like.


Thought Number 10:
Channing Tatum is very attractive. ;) and i'm not one to swoon over celebrities.

I'm Not Who I was

I've changed so much.

And I continue to.

Physically, Mentally, and Spiritually.

I'm not who I was.

And with that change comes the worry of being accepted for who I am.

I know Jesus defines me. I know that His approval is all that really matters.

Maybe I need to focus on that even more than I already am.

I just want you to know that I'm not who I was. But I still have faults. Just maybe not the same ones. I'm still imperfect, but I still try to be perfect. I'm broken. But I'm mending.

I wish clicks didn't exist. I wish we could accept each other and love with all we have. Instead of just being selfish and focused on ourselves.

"Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:14

I'm not who I was because of amazing grace.

Follow the Leader?

Tuesday night I went to a worship service called The Exchange. It’s about an hour and half long worship service with usually an acoustic guitar and a few singers. After worship they will start to call up anyone who needs to be healed and might have a devotion or something. That’s about the time I’ll usually leave, not because I don’t agree with it… I just don’t know what I think yet. Anyway, that’s not what I want to focus on, what I do wanna talk about is these two little girls I saw there probably about the age of seven. You see The Exchange is all about the families being together, which I think isAWESOME. It’s so cool to be worshiping and hear little kids running around laughing or worshiping with you. This can be distracting (especially if they’re crying) but if you get into the right zone you tend not to mind. Tonight though, I was focusing on some of the children and thinking about how the verses that talk about children. Matthew 19:14 – Jesus said, “let all the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

So I was watching all the kids dance and sing and run and play when two particular girls caught my eye. One of these little girls I mentioned (lets call her… Ann… just to make things easier) was standing next to her parents worshiping. Now, when I say worshiping I mean this little seven year old girl had her eyes closed, both hands lifted high, and was singing boldly. I was surprised. There are many christians who do not have the boldness and strength to worship like that.

I’m NOT saying that in order to have true worship you must worship with your hands lifted high and doing many “outwardly” signs of worship. In the past couple months I have experienced MANY different kinds of worship and I’ve seen many people who seem to be truly genuine. Worship is a matter of the heart. I think though, that there is still something to worshiping outwardly it takes some courage sometimes to not care what others think of you. It can show and test that true matter of the heart. I always think of the song that goes, “and I’ll become even more undignified than this” … well I guess it was David who said it first haha In 2 Samuel 6:22 when Michal called him out for dancing like a mad man.

OK, back to the little girls… Now there was a second girl (lets call her Liz), about the same age and apparently Ann’s friend. Liz was sitting a row or two in front of Ann with some other young kids. For about 30 minutes or so all she did was look back at Ann and copy everything she did (except for closing her eyes of course because her eyes were on Ann). If Ann raised her hands or raised just one hand, so did Liz. If Ann put her hands on her heart, so did Liz. You get the point.

So after a while of this (about 30 min like I said before) Liz ran up to Ann and her mom and started to suggest/ask something of the two of them. After some conversation between the 3 Ann ended up moving up to sit with Liz and the other kids. They continued to worship, Liz copying Ann as before, just with the two of them standing right next to each other. After about a song of this Liz got down on her knees and bowed down. I watched as Liz lay there for a couple minutes and Ann just kept worshiping her own way not really paying attention to Liz. It was about this time that I started to relate these two girls to myself and others.

How often do we get so focused on someone else that we think has it all figured out that we miss the point completely? Instead of searching and praying to God to teach us how to act and respond to His love we ask or look around for whatever sounds the best. We all need people to look up to and people to learn from. It’s impossible to do it on our own, but we have to question everything we’re taught and see. While what Liz was copying from Ann wasn’t anything real harmful what if later on Liz’s adoration for Ann leads her down a wrong path? Or what if the “worship” Liz is participating in never really becomes worship of the Lord but worship just to impress or fit in with man? I think it brings up questions we should really ask ourselves about why we are christians. Are you a christian at Harding because everyone else here is? Are you a christian because you’re parents are?

Do you REALLY know what you believe? Or are you just following those around you?