Adventures with my Lord and Savior

These past couple weeks have been so hectic in the preparation for the end of the year. Right now, I sit in a practically empty dorm room. Tomorrow my freshman year will officially be over after my 8 o'clock final. Crazy. I need a vacation. ha Freshman year was not what I expected. Extreme loneliness. Tough classes. Heartless people. Good and bad relationships. A broken heart and pride. Self-esteem struggles. I've taken the road less traveled at Harding University and it's taught me much. I am better because of these struggles. The tears have made me stronger.

When first looking back on this year I had a moment of heartbreak because it seemed at first glance like a complete waste. Yes, I've made friendships and had many fun times... but I could have had so many more. Did I waste my freshman year because of shyness and self-esteem issues? Not at all. The struggles I experienced were REAL. They taught me something. However, from here on out living life to the fullest will have a new meaning. There are people to meet. Mountains to climb. Adventures with my Lord and Savior.

The Lord has great plans for me. :) And I'm excited to experience them.

Struggle with Compassion

“This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another.” 1 John 3:11

“For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.” Romans 12:3

I have struggled lately with compassion. I decide to give it to some, even most, but not all. I think it is safe to say that most Christians tend to have compassion for their fellow Christian but struggle in giving compassion to the ‘sinner’. I seem to have switched this normality. More often than not I give compassion to the non-Christian. I also give compassion to the Christian that will admit they do wrong, be open about their mistakes, and genuinely try to improve. But for those Christians who do not grow and ignore their sin… I have trouble giving them compassion. I get angry because I feel they affect the way I am perceived by non-Christians and screw up the chances I may have in helping someone to know Christ and the amazing love he gives. In talking with one person about this problem I got the response that I am judging my fellow Christian and it’s not my job to do so. I disagree with this idea. The Lord clearly says that you will be able to tell a Christian by their fruit. I will hold people to their good or bad fruit. Period. And I don’t believe that to be judging. I just need to learn to share those views with compassion and love for that person. In talking with a second partly about my outlook I got the response that I am picking and choosing who to give compassion to and that is not fair. The Lord does not do that and neither should I. The Lord has compassion for everyone. Even those who have wronged him and will not get to spend eternity with him… he still loves them and has compassion for them. The fact that I disagree with hypocrite’s actions is not the problem. I need to remember that I am no better. Also, realize that having love and compassion does NOT mean I can’t tell them what the scriptures have to say about their actions. Jesus was quite blunt and up front with the Pharisees. Anyway, that’s some of the latest thoughts. ☺

Boxing with Satan

This first year of college has been the hardest thing I have yet to encounter in my young life. Making friends was something I thought I could handle, but apparently its harder than I expected. I think a large part of it is Satan wanting me to believe I'm alone, because I've made friends but I often feel like I don't have close friends that understand me. Once Satan gets his foot in the door by making me believe I'm alone he starts to work on my self-esteem. He does his very best to convince me that I am of no worth at all and that I will be alone for the rest of my life. But it's all a lie! He wants to keep me from serving and worshiping the Lord. I am determined to not let the devil have his way. I'm up for the fight. Round one may not have been what I thought it was going to be. And round two I'm struggling to breath. I may be knocked down and so bruised. But I'm here to tell you...I MAY BE KNOCKED DOWN BUT NOT FOR THE COUNT. I'll come out swinging. I'm telling you now, I'm not going to lose this. He's messing me up, but I'm still here. I am not defeated, though you cannot see it, I have never won a battle on my own. The GOD ALMIGHTY is on my side!

Compare Game

Lately I have found myself playing the compare game. Some girls just have such unique styles. Earthy, sporty, classy, vintage, girly, indie… whatever. I don’t feel like I have one and it bothers me sometimes. While I don’t really feel like sharing my whole story on how this has been occurring lately in my life… I am definitely willing to share my revelation God has given me about it.

“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” 1 Peter 3:3-4

Those “styles” that we all like so much… are worldly. Plain and simple. And what is of the world doesn’t matter. God looks at the heart.

The Bible tells of the time that Samuel was searching out Israel’s king with the guidance of the Lord. God had narrowed it down to Jesse’s sons (David’s father). When Samuel was meeting with Jesse’s son to pick the king he quickly laid eyes on Eliab because he was good looking, “But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”’ (1 Samuel 16:7)

So, yes, some man may pick another girl over because she carries a presence and style that is enjoyable and beautiful by earthly standards. But I love the Lord. And if that is not the most important, attractive, characteristic to him, then I deserve someone better. And the same goes for the MANY other girls who I know have struggled with self-esteem. God adores you. :D He loves you.

Rapha

There is two kinds of brokenness I want to talk about. 1) Holy brokenness 2) Worldly Brokenness

Holy Brokenness.

"Concerning the prophets:
My heart is broken within me;
all my bones tremble.
I am like a drunken man,
like a man overcome by wine,
because of the LORD
and his holy words."
- Jeremiah 23:9

When praying lately I have started to ask God to break my heart over the things his heart breaks for. He has answered that prayer and continues to every day. I ached and broke when that junior higher told me he didn't want to be christian because he wanted to have sex before he was married. I ached and hurt when I learned that a beautiful girl I see every week cuts herself. My body physically, spiritually, and mentally hurts when I realize that have yet again I have sinned against the one God that will always love me.
I hope I never become numb to that realization. I think we do sometimes, I think family is a great example of this. All day long we give our very best to our colleges, peers, and the rest of the world... but then when we return home, to the people who love us most... they get whatever is left. The stress, the frustration, the anger, the complaints... it's all taken out on the ones we love most. Why? Because we know that they will always love us. If we were to act that way to our classmates... we would quickly loose popularity. I think we often do the same to God. We know he will forgive us, so it doesn't always bother us as much as it should when we continue to make the same mistake over and over. We can't let that become an excuse to become hard-hearted or to sin more.

Wordly Brokenness.

The world breaks me too, but not in a way that produces anything of value. It wears us down, it lies to us, and constantly tempts us without relent. The world tries to tell me that if that one mortal man doesn't want me... then that makes me less. How silly! God alone decides my worth!!! and he's already told us that we are worth more than pearls or rubies. But despite that reassurance we still ache don't we? It still hurts when a friend turns away from you. It still hurts to be rejected or ignored by a parent. There is hope though... God heals. He is Rapha. He is the healer.

"He sent forth his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave."- Psalm 107:20

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."-Psalm 147:3

"Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."-Psalm 103:2-5

Let him heal you. :)

Monster

"When I am a monster,
You never wince,
When you look at me.
When I am a freak, you never stare.
When I am a leper,
You never say unclean,
And when I am lost,
You come and get me free."
-Monster By The Almost

He knows all my terrible thoughts.
He knows my every sin.
He watches as I stubbornly take the wrong path.
He hears every complaint.
He knows it all. And he loves me.
More than anyone else ever will or could ever be capable of.
He is the Prince of Peace, Abba, Hessed, Savior, Creator, Lord, and God...
and he loved me first.
He knit me together in my mothers womb,
he wanted me to have blue eyes, brown frizzy curly hair, and pale skin.
He thinks I'm gorgeous.
All the battles I encounter are fought for me, by HIM.
Strengthening my feeble frame he shows me the way.
My heart is broken but he holds it together with is unfailing love.
My Savior.
My Creator.
My God.
He is always there for me.
He keeps his every promise.
I need him.
True love.
More than boy and girl love… a creator and creation love!
Agape love.
In Jesus alone my atonement is known.
I am an instrument of the living God.
So, Lord, hear the song of my life and let it be a sweet sound to you.
You are more than enough.
I have found the love that completes me.
And it comes from El Shaddai.

Undignified

Psalm 14:2-3 "The Lord looks down from heaven and the sons of men to see if there are any who understand, any who seek God. All have turned aside, they have together become corrupt; there is no one who does good, not even one."

For much of my life I've felt like the stiff religious girl. With this passage though, God is showing me a different way to look at it. Passionate. I can NEVER be too into my God! I can NEVER be too obsessed in pleasing Him. You might be wondering how I get that from these verses. Allow me to explain. :)

2 Samuel 6:14-16 "David, wearing a linen ephod, danced before the Lord with all his might, while he and the entire house of Isreal brought up the ark of the Lord with shouts and the sound of trumpets. As the ark of the Lord was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart."

David (in the Psalm and his story in 2 Samuel) reminds me that I am not the best. This humbles me, "no one is good, not even one." I'm not too into God, that's impossible. I'm not even close! While this does humble me extremely it also encourages me! If I would just stop trying to compare myself to those around me I wouldn't be worrying if I looked like a freak. If I keep comparing myself to Jesus I will stay humble and not slow down my attempt to be better. When we try and compare ourselves to our neighbor who we think is less spiritual we get an attitude that says, "I'm doin better then them, maybe I can kick back a little."

2 Samuel 6:20- "When David returned home to bless his household, Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet him and said, "How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, disrobing in the sight of slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!" David said to Michal, "It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the Lord's people Israel-I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor."

Isaiah 58:1 "Shout it aloud, do not hold back. Raise your voice like a trumpet..." Don't hold back? Could that mean be undignified? :D "... Declare to my people their rebellion and to the house of Judah their sins."



I often have to remind myself of this subject. I have a two foot long "JesusFreak" design on my back car window just for this purpose. I'm not one to hide my faith but I am one to let myself feel I'm weird or crazy. I WILL BE UNDIGNIFIED FOR MY SAVIOR! It's ok if I'm excluded for my passion in Christ. So many other Christians have experienced much worse. I will not allow myself to be lukewarm. I am a JesusFreak.

How bold are we in our faith? Is the strength of our convictions and beliefs determined by the crowd we are with? Are we faithful in our walk with the Lord as long as things run smooth or are we sold out for Him even to the point of death?

1 Timothy 1:7-9 "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline. So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life-not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time."