Favorites

 
When getting to know people it’s a common tactic to ask what favorites are. A majority of the time this doesn’t sit well with me. I just struggle to answer. I’ve been throwing the idea around and want work out some possible reasons. At some point I bet you'll be thinking I'm over analyzing this far too much (which is something I regularly get ragged on for by those closest to me). I know that when I'm asked what my favorite band or artist is people are not usually thinking all that I'll be dissecting and I won't say that I am all the time but it's not rare either. Even if we don't blatantly think about it, it's there.

At first, I thought maybe it was a mix of two things: insecurity and indecisiveness. I'm generally independent. I even prefer to go against the grain most of the time. There are times though that I know what I like most but because I fear that thing being discredited I decided not to share. Now THAT annoys me and I could easily dig into what that says about me and my struggles for awhile. I acknowledge that people's opinion shouldn't define not only how I feel about something but also the matter at hand in general. It's only one humble person's opinion. But it's interesting how in the moment that person's opinion can mean quite a bit, even if you don't know them well. The second part: indecisiveness. I simply can't choose. This can be because I know a lot or am passionate about the category so it's just too hard to pick one. On the other hand, I feel at times that I don't know enough about the subject to make a decision (these two things can even happen at the same time). For instance, music... like many, I love music and am passionate about it but there's so many kinds that I like and each kind may fit a certain situation or mood. You can't compare those things. There's also so much more to learn! There's so much music I haven't discovered or acquired a taste for yet that could be the next possible favorite.

While my first thought process of why favorites bother me is still true, I think what bothers me most is the desire people have to label and quickly judge whether they will get along with you or not based on favorites (and other inferences). Having things in common is important for relationships but surely we can train ourselves to appreciate and even admire the differences rather than let them be off putting. We try to size up personalities as quickly as possible and place people in categories so we can figure them out and know what to expect. I do it to, I'm not a girly girl and when I meet some chick that tells me her favorite color is pink I fight the desire to turn up my nose. I'm not as petty as to walk away right then of course but I've already started to build a theory on who this person is and what direction our encounter is headed in. Knowing that people tend to do that, I don't want to be pinned down so easily. I want you to have to spend time with me and invest before you get have me partially figured out. I also want to be free to change my mind. People love to grab on to favorites and hold you to them. They figure out what you like and then have a tendency to go numb to your change and growth. This happens in small and big ways. They repeatedly talk to you about an album you once listened to constantly years ago but now have burnt yourself out on. They figure out your favorite color and buy you things in only that color. For a more serious example, at times it is for me to go back to my hometown because people hold me to the person I was growing up and in high school. I've grown and changed so much since then and for the better! But when you are surrounded by those expectations it's hard to not subconsciously fulfill them.

There's a temptation to put our identity into favorites. Who are we and what are we about? While I treasure the creativity and variety of personalities along with our likes and dislikes... we need to be weary of letting those things define us. These material favorites should not be idols. There's something so much more glorious in life to be all about than style, a certain persona, sports, career, recreation or even music. We also shouldn't be so lifeless as to let others decide what we like, don't be a backless chameleon. Be honest with yourself and find what you enjoy.

In order to stretch myself, I'm going to list some favorites. 

Color: Green

Season: Fall

Classic art: The Rape of Proserpina by Bernini and Lacoon & His Sons by nobody knows

Sport: Rock climbing

Fruit: Blueberries

Physical feature of myself: My curly hair

Herb: Basil

Book of the Bible: Ephesians

Book series: Harry Potter

Person: Jesus

He is God and There is No Other

I think I have written here before about how college involves so much change. It's been hard to adjust too.... but now I think while I still struggle with the emotions that come because of change I'm slightly addicted to it.

Lately I've been thinking about my role among my friends and peers... as a queen for a social club, among my roommates, in a group of rock climbers, as a student. I'm one of the old queens now and it feels weird to be on the outs. I'm not invited to hang out as much, the guys I'm really close to have dwindled because they have graduated, gotten girlfriends, or just aren't active. I'm not complaining, I know it's just how things go... but it's hard to let go of. My roommates are absolutely amazing, I love them all. All of them but one is graduated though and that one is graduating in May and then moving off to grad school. They are all either moving on to grad school in May or in search of something that will most likely lead them away from me. Once again, not complaining, I'm so excited for their new opportunities and that they are following the Lord's will for their lives. It's so hard to let them go though, I want them to stay here with me. I'll be a fifth year senior but I feel as though I'm graduating simply because of the amount of change. I haven't climbed in nearly 3 months. That's the longest I've gone since I was a freshman. This one I AM complaining about. ha I'm not completely sure why but the group of climbers has changed and while I love climbing simply for climbing I also was drawn so much to the community that I had there.

Anyway, enough explaining about all the change and on to some sort of point. Encountering
 this change causes me to get scared sometimes. It's a very lonely feeling mixed with nostalgia. But then, it hits me, a lot like it did almost 4 years ago at the end of my freshman year when I wrote Adventures with my Lord and Savior, it's Jesus and I. The Lord is never changing and I'm on this adventure of life primarily with Him... and that is so fantastic. All the people in my life that I love so much are so important to me and I'm thankful for the opportunity to grow with them and fellowship with them and see Jesus in them. Ultimately though, people will come and go... and even those who stay around will fail me sometimes but the Lord has captivated me, I'm on this escapade with him and I am exhilarated by that. The memorable moments I've experienced the last four years I will always hold dear and even miss them ... I have this desire to sit here and tell you ALL about them because I love them that much. What gives me peace is there is more to come and even some better ones to come! How freaking exciting! :D This is where I get hooked. The change, just like the other struggles in life, bring me back to a sharp focus on the Lord and my purpose. His hope is an anchor for my soul. He is faithful. He loves. This life isn't about me or my happiness, it's about Him and as I keep along in that he takes care of any needs I have. Mercy tore the curtain. We walk the God Almighty and there is no other.

The Parable of the Ten Virgins

Where to start? So many lessons and emotions have been flooding my life in the past month or so. Leading up to New Years I had time of renewal and revelation at Onething in Kansas City. Then things quickly plummeted when I had a conversation with family that hurt more than much else I've experienced and within days it was countered with complete truth and healing encouragement. The Lord has continued to erratically pour out that truth and encouragement right when I need it. All of this after the struggle I've addressed in my last couple posts... recovering from my disgrace of falling so far; months of losing a battle with sin that has tainted so many relationships I must face daily, which brings reoccurring pain of it all. It's left me with so many questions and so I've been searching.

I want to put into my own words a scriptural commentary on The Parable of the Ten Virgins in Matthew 25 that I recently read by Misty Edwards. First go read the parable. Of course I'd read this parable before but I guess I thought the 5 virgins that didn't get into the marriage feast were unbelievers or at least hypocrites. This is where Misty opened up some things for me. Notice that the 10 women are virgins and they are all waiting on the bridegroom. They are obviously all believers, why would an unbeliever be described as a virgin and on top of that why would someone who didn't love the bridegroom be waiting on the Him? This completely shakes up the parable. Because then the question is what is the oil? This fuel is what kept the 5 from not being able to get in. Before I even read what Misty had to say it was, I knew. The Holy Spirit. So many passionate Christians burn out somewhere along the way and it's all because they loose that intimate connection with the Holy Spirit that comes from staying focused on Jesus. I love that Misty points out that everyone sleeps, not just the foolish. In this context sleep is not a bad thing, it's the routine of life... we all gotta do it sometimes. There is a delay in the bridegrooms coming and we must keep our hearts flowing in the Holy Spirit for "what we do with our hearts in this delay defines wisdom and folly."

This speaks to me so much, especially as of late. I got so preoccupied with what impact I was making for the Lord that I began to backslide and it escalated farther than I ever anticipated because I thought I was in "it". As soon as we get more concerned about our impact rather than concerned with Jesus Himself, we have become foolish. Making the impact truly comes when we are overflowing from encountering Jesus. SO... with that being the case, I pray:

I want more of You. You know what I long for, Lord; You hear my every sigh. My heart beats wildly, my strength fails, and I am going blind from my sin and the lies of Satan. Invite me in. Invite me into the garden, into Your heart, into the depths of who you are. I long for an eternal perspective, Hessed. Forgive me, Father, for getting more pleasure out of these earthly things. Focus my mind on the pleasures of Heaven... on the pleasures of your Holy Spirit. Reveal to me more and more. On You I wait. I know that I can only be satisfied when satisfying You. So teach me how. My hands are open has I climb this mountain. Take it all. Come Holy Spirit, come. How far will you let me go? How abandon will You let me be? Awake my soul and bound it to You... for it wonders. Captivate me and may I come to understand further how much You are captivated by me. Set a fire down in my soul, that I can't contain or control. Come be the fire inside of me. Guide my heart until You and I are one. This earth will fade away, but You, oh God, are forever. In the precious name of Jesus, Amen.

Something worse than guilt

This is a follow up or I guess a sequel to my last post about having no excuse. I think I have the flu and my head has been really foggy all day, so we'll see how capable I am at writing and organizing my thoughts. I need to organize all those feelings and thoughts though and let some things out in a more appropriate way than making myself more vulnerable to certain people. Anyway, here we go.

In my last post I talked about a struggle I've had for as long as I can remember and the excuses I made for myself. I focused on an amazing sermon by Dr. Youngblood that convicted and empowered me in and through my guilt. I've "messed up" again and fallen in my sin and this same struggle. I have different feelings than guilt this time and that's what I'd like to sort out.

Guilt is still present, but it's not nearly as potent. At first I thought this meant I was becoming numb, which scared me, but now I think that perhaps other lies of Satan are taking it's place. Falling AGAIN to this sin has made me feel hopeless, like I've in some way lost some of my worth, and that I am completely inadequate of calling myself a woman of God. I know that at the core we are ALL inadequate and in needing of salvation... but I guess I feel like I've crossed some stronghold from a woman who, while still making mistakes, honestly pursued righteousness and the Lord in everything to a woman who still loves the Lord but is so caught up in the lies of the world and the flesh that there is no truth or righteousness that pours from her. My manner of life has not been worthy of the gospel of Christ. I listened to my flesh and took a bit of deception and now I'm sick because my spirit that longs for the Lord can't digest it. I am "no longer the woman who walks in the confidence of ultimate artistic design." Submit my name change, we'll call me... compromise. But that's not me!!! I am not her, cause I'm called to be so much more. I love the Lord so much. I am a woman of a different status.

When I talked to a friend the day after I fell, I explained a frustration with the Lord. A few days leading up to my "transgression" I felt it coming. I prayed about it and spent time in the word, trying to combat it and keep it from happening. Hours before hand I cried out to him asking him to save me from it and help me focus on him. It happened anyway though and I was a bitter the next day because in my mind I'd tried and asked the Lord to step in and he didn't. My friend told me that one thing she has learned is that God will never step in and make a decision for us... even when we ask him to. What kind of God would he be if he did? Just because I gave my life to him doesn't mean I've lost my freewill. I still have to choose what I want and he will always give me what "I want". While I had been filling myself with the word, praying and trying to remember that what I truly want is the Lord's way... I had also been thinking about how much I "wanted" that sin. His desires must become my desires. My life in all aspects must be in line with those desires... my friendships, my dreams, my joys, my sorrows, my day to day actions.

I've also been learning a lot about grace and how motivating it is when we truly understand it. Grace. It has nothing to do with me. Just as I had nothing to do with being born a sinner, I'll have nothing to do with being saved except receiving it. "Grace is not the freedom to sin. It is the power to live a holy life." - Titus 2:11-12 I am not capable of being righteous, his grace makes me so. I've learned I am far from truly understanding this grace... it's lead me to ask the Lord to reveal to me what grace I need to accept and what accepting it in my life looks like. While I've always known salvation had nothing to do with me I still felt that I had some working resume that I had to give to the Lord.

"You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering. The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God." - Psalm 51:16-17

This broken and repentant heart is essential. Never let your heart become calloused. For without a tender heart and sensitive attentive spirit, no one can see God. Without these, holiness will never be attained. The value of my salvation I must always comprehend!!! For I am a fool if I do not discern the value and cast aside the ultimate gift. Because of this I have come to love my guilt and accept the love, grace, and mercy he offers me.

Each day I must wake and say, "Today is yours, Lord. May my perspective be an eternal one and my desires echo yours."

No excuse

The Lord is rocking my world today.

I've struggled with one specific sin for a very long time. As I've grown older and stronger in the Lord I've given in to it less but still struggled with it the same. I'd accepted it as my struggle, something that I would probably deal with my entire life. I thought that if I could just make it a rare occurrence then that would be enough for the Lord. Last night I gave in again, big time. And the result was horrific. I laid in bed sick, wanting to puke because I was so disgusted with myself... overcome with guilt. My guilt was magnified because I'd seen it all coming and part of me didn't want to keep myself from it. I woke up this morning feeling the weight like a ton of bricks. Luckily, I have an amazing roommate, Claire, who knows my struggle and I feel completely comfortable pouring out to her. I immediately confessed to her and cried as I told her how tired I am of fighting the flesh. I just want to go home and be done with it. I'm sick of failing and giving in and fighting it off every freakin day. With inadequate words I did my best to explain my feeling of guilt to her... but she knows my heart and understood despite my deficient communication.

My heart felt a bit lighter. We made blueberry pancakes and slowly got ready for church... and throughout the morning I would just start crying as my guilt hit me again. As we arrived to Covenant for service I had NO IDEA what the Lord was about to do. Dr. Kevin Youngblood has been leading a series at Covenant the past few weeks about the Holy Spirit. I think every time he speaks I have "ahhh" moment. ha But today, oh today, it was for me. The Lord spoke straight to me today. I have been doubting that I can overcome my flesh. We're human right? We're gonna make mistakes. No.

I know what you're thinking. No? We can't be perfect. It's impossible. And I know that. But hear me out. Dr. Youngblood spoke about how Jesus had to remove his physical body from the earth so he could live IN us and so we could be the body of Christ. We are the ongoing incarnation of Christ! The church suffers from an inferiority complex. Once we got here, I was crying as I took notes. I cry often while worshiping but I can't think of a time that a sermon brought me to tears. Paul says that the Church is the fullness of Him that fills everything else. But I sure don't feel like that sometimes. It's that mysterious collusion of the divine and humanity. Luke insists throughout his writing that Jesus did all he did by the power of the Spirit and EVERYTHING that Jesus had he is giving to us. How did Jesus overcome the temptation of Satan in the desert? Scripture and the Spirit. God gives us his Spirit without measure! The question is not: how much of the Spirit do I have? But rather: how much of ME does the Spirit have? When we fall short it's because we have not surrendered fully to the Spirit. We as believers have no excuse to fall into temptation again. We house the Spirit. Did ya get that? The HOLY SPIRIT! He will not give us anything he hasn't equipped us to handle.

It's possible. With the Spirit I can overcome. This morning the Lord smacked me saying that I have no excuse but also gave me so much love and forgiveness and hope in that His Spirit lives in me and will never leave me dry. At the end of service, during the announcements, I turned to Claire and just our eye contact made me tear up again. She smiled and said, "That was the Lord telling you that you can do it." I started crying again and started to explain how much I love the Lord. And she quickly told me He doesn't doubt it and neither does she. Which was perfect because I get so scared that my sin shows some major flaw in my love for the Lord. He love me so much and He knows that I love him.
He's given me the tools to overcome.
He's given me forgiveness when I am completely unworthy.
What an amazing God we serve.

Nashville Summer

I'm so giddy as I sit down to right this post. :D This summer was amazing and I have so much to share. I won't get around to it all, but I'll share what comes to me and if you're curious to hear more and swap stories then we should have a coffee date. Just as I'd had intentions to blog about my experience in Italy more, I had planned to blog more about my 3 months in Nashville, TN. I was busy of course but the biggest part, I think, is because as the summer came to an end I began to get a bigger picture of it all. I learned so much this summer. As of late, when people ask about it I say: Worst summer of my life so far... but also the best! It's awesome how the Lord does that. I often attended a church in Brentwood with the friend I was staying with and her family. My last Sunday there in the college class we ended up talking about "mountain top experiences". I was delighted when a young man across the room started to come to the same conclusion as me: The valleys or low points in our faith are essential to the mountain top and therefore you can't really separate them. I know for me, I feel closest to the Lord in the valley and that's when He reveals things to me and I end up being blown away by his love, grace, wisdom, and faithfulness. It's these moments that change my perspective, change my faith for the better and allow me to grow a little bit closer to the Christ-like woman he has created me to be.

Why was in Nashville? Pretty simple: After studying abroad in the Spring I knew going home for the summer would be hard to swallow so I started applying for jobs all over the U.S. (specifically ones that involved rock climbing). The one that worked out best with my other plans this summer and living arrangements was working at Climb Nashville School of Climbing in Nashville, TN. I lived with my friend Mary Kate and her family. After being there a couple weeks, I decided I wasn't going to be getting enough hours at the rock climbing gym, so I got a job as a waitress at a Mexican restaurant and bar called Chago's.

I knew going in to this sumer that I was putting myself in position where I would not know many people. But to the extent that I found myself alone with all new people in my life was much more than I'd really considered. Mary Kate is delightful, but our jobs and her schooling kept us from seeing each other much. I had also planned to spend time with a sweet girl named Amanda who I went to Italy with, not sure why... but it didn't happen more than once. My two closest friends from college were taking classes and/or working this summer so we didn't talk on a regular basis. I mean, when things got really rough they were always there for me to call, but it's different than having someone there with you. And to boot, I lost a wonderful friendship at the beginning of the summer. Time to just make new friendships, right? Well, that's what I did, but nearly all of them are unbelievers or they claim to know the Lord but Christianity is just a religion that they can claim rather than actual relationship.

This was all new to me. I grew up in a Christian home and in church. I had a hard time with loneliness and depression my freshman year of college but I was at a Christian college where people for the most part were very nice and almost never pressured me to go out and get wasted or smoke pot. In Nashville, I had very little support in my faith. It sucked. But God used it to make the summer extremely awesome. I got through with the Lord. In the past, when I have struggled with loneliness fellow Christians have told me that friendships are important and intended by God to bring fulfillment and joy to our lives. While I do think that is true, I also now fully know that I am completely good with only Jesus and I. The body of Christ is something I should be apart of if possible, but when it comes down to it, all I need is Jesus and He will get me through anything. That's so easy to say and I totally would have said it before this summer but now I know it to be true from experience. And THAT, my friends, is freaking awesome.

When I first met all the unbelievers at my two jobs my immediate reaction was to create a game plan. How do I plan to reveal my faith to these people in a way that will give the highest probability of them coming to salvation. Still being in the bible belt, most of them know something about Christianity but it is usually not positive and tied to many hypocrites. I decided that I'd not hide my faith but keep in on the down low and maybe if they came to like me they would be more open to the idea of God's love for them. (Typing all this out makes it seem a whole lot more ridiculous than it seemed in my mind at the time haha).

The summer flew by and I ended up not saying much about my love for the Lord at all. If people asked I didn't hold back on pouring out my heart... but not many asked. I did my best to love my co-workers with the love of the Lord and be different. With three weeks remaining I started to have a break down. I was worshiping on a Monday night at wonderful church called Grace Center in Franklin when I, not for the first time, was crying out to God asking why in the world He sent me to Nashville. What was my purpose here? I had such good intentions at the beginning, now it was almost over and I felt like I'd done nothing. I did not feel much different from the unbelievers. I failed so much. And they were such nice and loving people. That's when the Lord began to really speak to me. He started by revealing to me the work he had been doing IN me. He had been working on my perspective of the world and unbelievers. Like I explained before, He taught me to be satisfied with His presence alone. This brought me some peace but I was still frustrated. Sure I was learning but I had come to really love these unbelievers. What about them?! Why couldn't He use my time here to reveal Himself to these new friends of mine? Over the next few weeks He gave me some marvelous opportunities to share what I'd been given and I took them. Afterwards though I felt like He'd given them more to make me happy than to really have an impact on souls. I had peace about it all but I still didn't understand.

I said goodbye to my friends with such pain in my heart. Not only am I going to miss them immensely but I feel like my work isn't done because they don't know Jesus yet. I know that sounds silly, but I ache so much for the hurt I see in their lives... my heart is so involved that I began to take their salvation as my responsibility. Even now, I'm crying as I attempt to find the words to explain all this.

On the 9 hour drive home I listened to a sermon by Louie Giglio called Grace Moved the Stone. It was from God. Louie explained that before I even arrive, God has already done all the work for me. All I have to do is show up... in any circumstance and any place. What shocking freedom! The kingdom of grace. God isn't asking me to raise Jesus from the dead, defeat the enemy, build up anything, save anyone... I just have to show up. HE does the work because it's HIS glory that I'm "working" for. But that work I do is just a matter of opening myself up and sharing what He's given me and continuing in my relationship with Him. "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." - James 1:27 God is working in my life, your life, and the lives of my unbelieving friends. It also made me feel better to hear a pastor that I look up to say that he had the same mentality about how to open up a sermon as I did about coming to Nashville and sharing Jesus with unbelievers. We get so focused on how to go about it and we try to do it ourselves. God's already done all the work though, I just have to open up and let it happen. I can walk into any situation knowing that the stone is already moved away, HE DOES THE WORK! I don't have to stress because my friends don't get it. I will continue to pray for them and God will continue to work... whether it be through me or someone else. It's also comforting to know that He knows that I'm not even capable of doing what little he's called me to, so he's given us the Holy Spirit to strengthen and guide us in doing the great commission!! HALLELUJAH! 

I'll wrap up by simply saying God is good. He is more than enough. If we seek, we will find. I hope this entry encourages you to move through the rough times in life with joy and with the knowledge that the Holy Spirit is with you and will provide everything you need. I have found joy in my struggle. To the point now where I would rather be challenged because that's when I lean on the Lord the most... that's when I learn and grow.

“When I understand that everything happening to me is to make me more Christlike, it solves a great deal of anxiety.”

—	A.W. Tozer

Provence

I sat at Provence Breads and Cafe today for a few hours. It’s a lovely coffee shop and bakery on 21st on what my friend Asafe calls “hipster lane”. The store is painted in warm oranges and yellows. The dessert and bread displays reminded me of Italy. And it was much quieter than the coffee shop across the street called Fido’s that I go to often. I had some Jesus time. Read some Game of Thrones. Enjoyed plum & ginger iced tea and a bowl of tomato basil soup. It was really soothing, some of my favorite times here in Nashville have been enjoying simple moments like that in the coffee shops that I find. I also did a lot of staring out at the street as I thought about whatever it was that came. I thought I’d share one particular train of thought that I had:

I’ve noticed lately that it is common for us to fall in love with the idea of falling in love rather than the actual person. Then it becomes a selfish ambition to please ourselves and be satisfied… it’s even possible to lose sight of who the other person is (their likes, dislikes, desires, what they struggle with, ect). We end up hurting not only them but ourselves. The whole ordeal ends up looking nothing like the unconditional self-less love that we really desire and get real satisfaction from. A love with God at the head and a deep  resolve to serve and satisfy not yourself but the other person. 

Wedding Day

I just got home from the wedding of my dear friend Kayla Hatch (now Kayla Martin) and her husband Skyler. It was amazing and I would love to talk about what it stirred in me today.

When I leave most weddings I am happy for the bride and groom but I also have a sense of bitterness concerning the fact that I'm still single. I long for that love and companionship. This wedding was different though; I left excited. Excited about Jesus and the wedding day that is coming when the Church will marry the Lamb! The use of the marriage term in my spiritual life with Jesus has been something I've slowly had to get used to. But today I can honestly say I am thrilled about it.

Kayla and Skyler's wedding was like none I've ever seen or heard of before. It was a celebration of not only their union but the future union of the Church with the Lord. The event was so natural. It just felt right. They filled their wedding with the Lord. And it didn't make it stiff or awkward but even more romantic. While I still long for what Kayla and Skyler have with each other, that marriage day with my Lord is all that really matters. It's so much bigger and better and more full of love, contentment, and joy than anything we will experience. It will be the day when we will be united with God! No more brokenness. No more pain. Oh what hope!

Right before they left I thanked Skyler for all the times (and this day being one of them) when he has reminded me what I deserve and what I'm waiting for by the way he loves Kayla. He sang a song that he wrote tonight for Kayla (which in and of itself is awesome) but more importantly: the lyrics and behind those... his heart and his love. He obviously talked about her beauty, her heart, and their love. The line that really got me though was when he talked about how if he was a ship she would be his lighthouse. His light. His beautiful bride. I want to be that! I want to love the Lord with all I am and draw the man I am with closer to the Lord. The only relationship worth having is one where we serve each other to bring the other closer to the Lord. May He be glorified above all!

The Marriage Supper of the Lamb

6 Then I heard what seemed to be wthe voice of a great multitude, like xthe roar of many waters and ylike the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out,

“Hallelujah!

For the Lord our God

the Almighty zreigns.

7 Let us rejoice and exult

and give him the glory,

for athe marriage of the Lamb has come,

and bhis Bride has made herself ready;

8 cit was granted her to clothe herself

with fine linen, bright and pure”—

for the fine linen is dthe righteous deeds of the saints.

9 And the angel said1 to me, “Write this: eBlessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” And he said to me, f“These are the true words of God.”

God, Italy, and Katie

I'm leaving to study abroad in Florence, Italy in a week and I've created a separate blog to write about all my adventure. You can click here to get to it.

Fix your eyes on Jesus

I woke up this morning with a very heavy heart. The house was really quiet and I was thankful. As I began to spend time with the Lord he reminded me of several things:

You are not alone.

"Joyful are those who obey his laws and search for him with all their hearts." -Psalm 119:2 In my struggle to be joyful sometimes I just end up searching for exactly that: joy in the Lord. Which sounds good, but really I must search HIM and search to obey his laws... and then the joy will come.

I long to be loved. To belong. I belong to HIM and he truly loves me. I've desired earthly love and romance, the past couple days especially. But this morning I'm reminded that my perfect romance with the Lord is all that really matters. He loves me better and more fully than anyone else on this earth ever could. And one day, according to his timing and will, he may decided to continue to reveal that love to me through a man.

Be the change! I get so frustrated with the selfish and materialistic culture we're surrounded by. But I have no power to directly change that, so I must change those areas in me. I must be a selfless friend, daughter, sister, co-worker, and Christian.

"And is is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him. " -Hebrews 11:6 I've had some trouble trusting friends and other people in my life lately and it has started to leak in to my trust of the Lord. I must have faith. I must trust Him. Because he is faithful and it is impossible for me to please him like I desire without doing so.

The Hunger Games

I've just finished reading The Hunger Games. I have some thoughts to share. Keep in mind I've only read the first so I don't know where the next two books are headed.

I guess first and foremost it's obviously a page turner. Between the intriguing setting, tense adventure of the hunger game and the romantic aspect it's hard to put the book down and therefore a good book. I absolutely love the general plot that involves The Capital and the games. It's interesting and has good depth.

The characters are fairly well developed, I have some critiques about that topic but I think I'll hold off for the most part until I've read the other two books to see how they continue to develop and who is focused on. But a few comments: I'm hoping on some more focus on Katniss' mother. I'm worried that Katniss is too hard-hearted for my tastes... I love it too a certain extent... but how she handles Peeta at the end makes me nervous. Her hunting skills and overall tough skin is something that is clearly awesome. I do like the development along the way of Haymitch and his relationship with Katniss.

I do have a critique about the love story that I think is fair to mention before I read the rest of the books. I'm disappointed that there is such a focus on the love story by the end of the first book, especially a love triangle. Maybe the Twilight love triangle has just left a bad taste in my mouth. If I hear any Team Peeta or Team Gala crap I'm gonna be super annoyed, because The Hunger Games has depth and an amazing plot that can't even compare to Twilight. Or maybe it's my own emotions... the affect of my own love life making me bitter or the fact that I get emotionally involved in just about every book I read and movie I watch. I understand that my emotions are not really fair to judge a book by but I've never been a fan of any love story where someone is bound to be forever heartbroken. So don't get me wrong, I'm not against there being a love story intertwined. I would just rather the focus be on overcoming The Capital. I am way more interested in a riveting story about people bonding together to overcome evil with a love story nicely worked in rather than a stupid love triangle that is portrayed in a way that results in me loving all three characters involved.

I love Rue and her part in the story. I love her talents and relationship with Katniss. Her death caused me to get teary eyed. The song and dedication of flowers on Katniss' part is absolutely amazing. There's not much I have to say other than it's great.

Another character I enjoyed: Foxface. I like the sneaky and witty, she brings some good diversity to the tribute group. The way she died was something I didn't see coming.

I can't decide if Katniss narrating the story is something I like or not. It lead to me being almost positive she would survive... which means I was pretty positive she would win the hunger game and that takes away a the surprise. Now, whether that surprise is something I really wanted or not... I don't know.

Another thumbs up: the berries. A slap in the face to The Capital. Such a marvelously potent and creative occurrence.

Alright, well.... I'll leave it at that for now. :) Tomorrow? Reading Catching Fire.

Thankful for Struggle

I keep thinking of the many struggles I've endured this semester as a flaw in my life. I've seen it as sin. I've been in this dark hole that I haven't seemed to be able to dig myself out of. Just to name a few: depression, low self-esteem, bitterness, worry, loneliness, selfishness, lust, and idolatry. But now, as I finally seem to have come out of the fog... I'm viewing it all differently. Struggle is a blessing. An easy going, fun, simple semester does not challenge me or bring me any closer to the Lord. Granted, much of my struggle has to do with sin and that sin is definitely not good. It would have been wonderful if I could have endured the struggles this semester and not fallen into many of those sins listed above. But I've learned from it. Humbled and blessed. I trust in a loving sovereign God who is guiding my story. I've asked Him to teach me to love Him like He desires for me to love him. He's shaping my character and has purpose in all things.

"Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O LORD,
   and whom you teach out of your law" - Psalm 94:12


"And the LORD will guide you continually
   and satisfy your desire in scorched places
   and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
   like a spring of water,
   whose waters do not fail." - Isaiah 58:11


I love Oswald Chambers and would highly recommend his book, My Utmost for His Highest. Here are some quotes from that book that have really seemed to apply to my situations lately: 


"If we do a thing in order to overcome depression, we deepen the depression; but if the Spirit of God makes us feel intuitively that we must do the thing; and we do it, the depression is gone. Immediately we rise and obey, we enter on a higher plane of life."


"If we are inspired by God, what is the next thing? To trust Him absolutely and to pray on the ground of His Redemption. Never let the sense of failure corrupt your new action." 


"Get into the habit of saying, "Speak, Lord," and life will become a romance. Every time circumstances press, say, "Speak, Lord"; make time to listen."


"By receiving His Spirit, recognizing and relying on Him, and obeying Him as He brings the word of God, life will become amazingly simple."


"Whenever we are obstinate and self-willed and set upon our own ambitions, we are hurting Jesus."


"The severest discipline of a Christian's life is to learn how to keep reflecting "the Lord's glory.""


"The majority of us have no ear for anything but ourselves, we cannot hear a thing God says."


"We have to get rid of the idea that we understand ourselves, it is the last conceit to go. The only One Who understands us is God. The greatest curse in spiritual life is conceit."

Love your neighbor

So I haven't blogged in a long while. I've been in a pit of loneliness, depression, and frustration. I could blog about that and how I'm coming out of it... but I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself so that isn't the topic. The concern is instead something that hit me about a week and half ago. Loving each other... and especially in this instance our brothers and sisters in Christ who are "harder to love".

I have two particular people in mind. One is a wonderful young man who is often searching for attention and usually has no filter for what he says or does. He's made his fair share of mistakes. The second his a fiery woman who is not afraid to be different, in fact... she is usually trying to be different. She says creative, out there things that most would never conceive of. "Crazy" is often used to describe her, either lovingly or negatively.

Before I explain my frustration with how people treat them, I want to explain how much love the Lord has given me for these two individuals. Not because I'm better, I'm not here to brag. I've asked for love and he's given it. Through all the crap I've been through this semester these two have loved and cared for me in ways many others have not. This young man has such a big heart! He's always ready to take care of me and almost never assumes that I have plans or don't need him. I love that. This beautiful woman has brightened my life with her creativity and poured out her heart to me. Despite the hurt she's experienced, she has willing loved me without much prompting at all. On top of that, she'll instantly tell you it's because of the Lord! God has revealed to me how wonderful these people are and how he can work through anyone and anything.

My frustration: It's obvious I'm trying to avoid implying who these people are and so therefore I can't explain specific instances of my frustration. But in a nutshell.

First individual: the majority of his friends and brothers in Christ treat him poorly by not taking him serious, having little patience, and hatefully calling him out in front of big groups of people. It makes me want to get up scream "HE IS YOUR BROTHER! THE LORD LOVES HIM!" Do you know why he is the way he is? Have you asked? Do you care? Yes, he's messed up a lot... but that gives him the perspective to love all those who've done the same. There's a moment in the gospels when Jesus rebukes the Pharisees for the way they treat an "unclean" woman who comes to Jesus. He says this, "her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little."

Second individual: Before I really met her I had multiple friends tell me she was crazy. Thankfully, I didn't let that keep me from getting to know her. But I wonder who have let it change their minds. And that irritates me so much! She has so much to give! Her love for the Lord is growing day after day and her fellow Christians write her off as crazy. Just as before, there are reasons for who she is... yet most of us are too wrapped up in our own selfish problems to see that.

My heart breaks that we treat each other in such judgmental ways. We can become so one-way minded of what's acceptable. I pray daily for the Lord to open my mind and allow me to love people as he loves them... for me to be able to see them as he sees them, with ultimate forgiveness.

"Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself." -Matthew 22:37-39

New fear

Satan has afflicted me with a new fear over the past few months. There aren't very many things I'm seriously afraid of.
I trust the Lord, there is nothing to fear but Him. Even then, love triumphs fear.

I might be scarred of pain sometimes, physical or emotional, but He always brings me through. It also tends to make me stronger or teach me something. Worry will sometimes get the best of me, but when I slow down, I know He is in control and it'll be alright. I've even overcome the fear of loneliness. While it's can sometimes seem overpowering, all I need is Him and He'll fill me.

This though... this seems different. I have no control over this and to some extent, neither does the Lord. It is in the freewill of another. It has everything to do with me and could completely change and damage something very precious and amazing. I pray fervently.

our skewed vision

my friend payton wrote this on his blog a little over a week ago. I like it. a lot. so I thought I'd give him a re-post. :)

And here is a link to his blog.

a few years ago, i had a late night conversation with one of my friends about temptations and the disputes that we have with one another. she mentioned to me that “far too often, we focus on what we don’t agree with rather than what we do believe.” i find it very interesting the things that we put our focus on. in a recent study with friends we talked about the temptations that we face. another one of my friends mentioned that “sometimes we are so concerned about not committing a particular sin that we are still in its’ grasp because we still focus on it rather than what we should be doing instead.”

these two things have been on my mind lately. disputes we have with one another and the battle that we have within ourselves.

faith and belief are constantly being tried and shaped within each and every one of us. what do you believe? what do you stand for? who are you? all of these questions we may face in different ways on a regular basis. it is interesting to watch churches, i’ve become excited to observe different settings and how they deal with their conflict. in a particular situation, a church was divided because of a ‘business issue’ that in turn pulled their spirituality apart. small matters that had been dealt with for years became separating topics. we have so many different denominations that exist, different ways to worship, different flavors even, but why do we focus so often and put so much stock in earthly matters rather than eternal ones and allow those to separate us? it is important to believe particular things and stand by them, but it intrigues me how simple god is in the bible sometimes. love your god, love your neighbor. the greatest of these is love. do we get caught up in disputes and petty arguments that rip our relationships and churches apart from the inside out?

there is a raging battle inside us all. we all struggle. we are all imperfect, but the way that we deal with our sin and temptations is defining of our lives. my friend mentioned that we get caught up in trying to avoid our sin that we don’t focus on good things. i’m too busy worrying about lying to pick up my bible. i’m too ashamed of the movies that i watch to pray to god and ask for his guidance. i am convinced that satan plants such lies within us and devours our self-worth more than we even know. there is something incredible though, god’s love prevails over satan every single time, time and time again. nothing can separate us from the love of god. (romans 8:38-39) how incredible is that news! i am a mess up, a sinner continually trying to dig myself out of this mud pit, but god still wants to be in relationship with me. he wants to rescue me, always. we have to ask him to. i believe that god has the power and ability to intervene in any situation that he wants, but we are called to be in relationship with him.

we have to acknowledge that satan has skewed our vision. once we acknowledge that, we can equip ourselves to combat him and depend on god to be our guide through all the trials and struggles that we face. i didn’t say that it would always be easy, but with personal experience recently, i know that something has to change in me.

someone i truly respect said recently that he asks himself two questions each morning: who am i? and where am i going today? we have to quit defining ourselves by our past, by the mud that satan throws at us. we are creation of the most high king who loves us dearly and longs for us to be with him. i don’t know what you need most, maybe it’s scriptures written all over your wall, your phone, your car, your house. maybe you need someone to be dependent with and walk with god alongside, an accountable person you can trust and confide in. we have to quit buying into the lies that satan uses. don’t give up, don’t believe that god doesn’t love you anymore, don’t believe that god won’t use you in incredible ways for his kingdom. we have to get on our feet and finally live for our god in all that we do.

“since, then, you have been raised with christ, set your hearts on things above where christ is, seated at the right hand of god. set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. for you died, and your life is now hidden with christ in god. when christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.” - colossians 3:1-4

Someone unseen

I almost always come here when I'm frustrated, upset, or overflowing with things to say with no one to listen. If someone were to only read my blog I suppose it wouldn't be a very balanced view of who I am. I guess that's not the purpose though... I don't have a blog to express who I am, sure that comes in to play... but I think it's more therapeutic than anything. Clearly, I think about the people who read it, but more than that it's a way of putting my thoughts in order before the Lord. It's almost like I'm writing to him, yet also getting the satisfaction of it being put out publicly to be concurred with. We all want to know we aren't alone, don't we?

Well, tonight I'm here because my family is screaming. Fighting. Arguing. Allowing the evil one to get a foothold over something totally not worth it. Everyone pointing figures yet no one taking the time to think that there is someone unseen who has caused it all. From an outside view, I know that they would never allow such an event to cause them to speak so viciously towards each other. One small comment that mounts to an argument we all know isn't worth it. What is this trivial subject? Dogs. Yup. You heard me. Dogs. We have four dogs and they got into a nasty fight. I'm not interested in telling the story, lets just say everyone has their own opinion on how the situation should have be handled and everyone has a favorite dog.

Ridiculous. That's all I can think. Absolutely ridiculous that we let something like this reduce us to how we've acted tonight. If we let petty arguments like this break out in our home, how are we ever suppose to be strong enough to stand together against world. I know that sounds dramatic but if we can't be meek, forgiving, and patient among those we love most, how will we practice that among the fellowship of the body of Christ? Which is an essential part in staying strong in the Lord. And I know my family is not the only one. As Christians we are called to different. Using an excuse for ourselves as being "normal" should never come up in our vocabulary. We are called to be different. We are called to strive for perfection. We are to labor steadfast with what we've been given (Matt. 25:14-30, Luke 19:12-27).

A Moment in the Mountains

I actually wrote this on the 6th but didn't have internet so it's just a tad late.


My family and I are on vacation in Yellowstone with my mom’s whole side of the family (minus a few that weren’t able to come… 14 of us in all). It has been amazing. It took us two and half days to drive here. I’d never seen real mountains before I saw the Rockies. They completely took my breath away. I spent a lot of time with the Lord during the drive. It was just my immediate family and headphones were an essential to survive. Nearly half of my day involved reading my bible, praying, worshiping at the sight of His beautiful creation, and reading Christian novels. But I don’t want to focus this post on those first few days; they were great with just a hiccup or two due to tight corridors with sisters.

What I do want to talk about is that past three days or so. Once we got to Yellowstone things got hectic. With such a big group there is vary rarely a quite moment and I feel guilty sticking headphones in because being here is suppose to be about family. It takes us forever to decide what we’re doing and where it is. Haha Needless to say, I have not spent nearly as much one on one time with Jesus. I’ve kept up my bible reading but vary rarely in a quite place alone and I also pray continually. My roommate is my Aunt who talks endlessly and I have four younger cousins here who are always ready to play. There was one point where dad and I hiked farther than everyone else up to the base of a waterfall. I was able to sit for a while and read some psalms but the group was quick to tell me we had to move on. By day two in the park I was depressed. It was frustrating. I’m in such a beautiful place with family that loves me so much…. How could I be sad? My self-esteem was low too. I’ve been looking at pictures of me and these beautiful waterfalls and mountains. I feel so mediocre and plain.

I’ve been reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge for a second time. It has challenged and taught me just as much as it did the first time. This time though, it’s had a slight negative affect too. I do not doubt there are plenty of good Christian men who have been able to take their wounds to the Lord and grown into strong leaders. What I do doubt while reading though… is that there is one that will love me. I know it sounds dramatic and silly. Eldredge summed up my feelings when he said, “No one is fighting for her heart; there is no grand adventure to be swept up in; and every woman doubts very much that she has any beauty to unveil.”

Then yesterday I was reminded of a few things. We were headed back to Old Faithful Inn after driving around all day finding waterfalls while a few others in our group had been horseback riding. Exhausted, depressed, and frustrated because of it I curled up in the backseat by myself and pulled out my ipod. After reading my daily chapters, I starred out the window at the mountains. Then a lesson hit me that I’ve already learned once before but because of what I’ve seen needed to be taught again. In Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge (woman version of Wild at Heart) there is a paragraph that asks you to think of the most beautiful scene on earth you’ve ever seen (the beach, mountains, anything that involves nature), then Stasi asks the reader to realize that you, as a woman of earth, are more beautiful than all that. Each step in creation was more complex, more beautiful. Dark and light, water and earth, and so on. The last thing created was woman and it was not as an afterthought… all this was incomplete without me. It should also not be taken for granted that God is far more beautiful than all his creations on earth and what I’ve seen is only a glimpse of his glory.

Then my thoughts went a step farther. I am more important than all this. Those mountains don’t have souls. The Lord made those mountains to reveal is love and showcase his glory. Above all else he wants relationship with me. When that fact is once again resonated throughout my body… the thought of not being loved by a Godly man becomes much less depressing. El Shaddai is fighting for my heart. He offers a great adventure and my role is essential. Because of Him I have much beauty to unveil. I have all that I need. He will care for me and if his will, bring me a man of after His own heart that I can share that adventure with.


Unfortunately, Satan couldn’t stand me dwelling so confidently in the Lord and hit me hard again last night. That struggle is harder to publically talk about, which is probably what makes it more lethal.

Sometimes I get annoyed because I feel like I’m relearning so many essentials of my spiritual walk that I should already know or have conquered. I pour myself out to him, what more can I do? I know there will always be struggles… but shouldn’t I just have new ones? Haha Am I really growing at all if I still fight the same battles? I’ve never really had a mentor and what I would give to change that! My parents and I have almost walked our spiritual walk together and I guess I’ve just never met an older woman with whom it all fell into place. I guess it’s not an essential, but it sure sounds appealing.

Mmmmkay, I think I’m done. I can’t think of a graceful way to end. If you’ve read thus far… I’m surprised and would love to hear your thoughts. ;)

We're all shipwrecks

Stolen Poems

A few stolen poems that make me feel better to read because they remind me I'm not alone in my feeling.

She sat alone on an island

Hills cascading into the fog

Staring at the swords drawn

From armies left on the other side of the sea

She stayed

Blue from the cold

Purple from the loneliness

But unmoving

Against the pressures from society

I Haunt My Own Mind
Confusion haunts me
As I wander the corridors of my mind.
Peeking into rooms filled with memories
I laugh, I cringe, I cry, and I feel terrified
All over again.
I shut the doors,
Feeling even more confused.
I stumble upon empty rooms
Waiting to be filled with new memories.
Some labeled, while others remain a mystery.
I shake the doorhandles to open
To show me the future I have yet to experience.
But they do not give way.
For I have not gone through those events yet.
I bang my hands on the doors
Pleading with them, with God, with myself
To show me what to do.
But all remains silent
And I am left to wander the hallways of my mind
Feeling worse than I did before.

I want someone who’d hold me close
and kiss all of my fears away.
I want someone who wants to be with me
without the need for asking him to stay
I do not need a love that’s perfect
I just have to know if it’s real and true.