Fix your eyes on Jesus

I woke up this morning with a very heavy heart. The house was really quiet and I was thankful. As I began to spend time with the Lord he reminded me of several things:

You are not alone.

"Joyful are those who obey his laws and search for him with all their hearts." -Psalm 119:2 In my struggle to be joyful sometimes I just end up searching for exactly that: joy in the Lord. Which sounds good, but really I must search HIM and search to obey his laws... and then the joy will come.

I long to be loved. To belong. I belong to HIM and he truly loves me. I've desired earthly love and romance, the past couple days especially. But this morning I'm reminded that my perfect romance with the Lord is all that really matters. He loves me better and more fully than anyone else on this earth ever could. And one day, according to his timing and will, he may decided to continue to reveal that love to me through a man.

Be the change! I get so frustrated with the selfish and materialistic culture we're surrounded by. But I have no power to directly change that, so I must change those areas in me. I must be a selfless friend, daughter, sister, co-worker, and Christian.

"And is is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him. " -Hebrews 11:6 I've had some trouble trusting friends and other people in my life lately and it has started to leak in to my trust of the Lord. I must have faith. I must trust Him. Because he is faithful and it is impossible for me to please him like I desire without doing so.

The Hunger Games

I've just finished reading The Hunger Games. I have some thoughts to share. Keep in mind I've only read the first so I don't know where the next two books are headed.

I guess first and foremost it's obviously a page turner. Between the intriguing setting, tense adventure of the hunger game and the romantic aspect it's hard to put the book down and therefore a good book. I absolutely love the general plot that involves The Capital and the games. It's interesting and has good depth.

The characters are fairly well developed, I have some critiques about that topic but I think I'll hold off for the most part until I've read the other two books to see how they continue to develop and who is focused on. But a few comments: I'm hoping on some more focus on Katniss' mother. I'm worried that Katniss is too hard-hearted for my tastes... I love it too a certain extent... but how she handles Peeta at the end makes me nervous. Her hunting skills and overall tough skin is something that is clearly awesome. I do like the development along the way of Haymitch and his relationship with Katniss.

I do have a critique about the love story that I think is fair to mention before I read the rest of the books. I'm disappointed that there is such a focus on the love story by the end of the first book, especially a love triangle. Maybe the Twilight love triangle has just left a bad taste in my mouth. If I hear any Team Peeta or Team Gala crap I'm gonna be super annoyed, because The Hunger Games has depth and an amazing plot that can't even compare to Twilight. Or maybe it's my own emotions... the affect of my own love life making me bitter or the fact that I get emotionally involved in just about every book I read and movie I watch. I understand that my emotions are not really fair to judge a book by but I've never been a fan of any love story where someone is bound to be forever heartbroken. So don't get me wrong, I'm not against there being a love story intertwined. I would just rather the focus be on overcoming The Capital. I am way more interested in a riveting story about people bonding together to overcome evil with a love story nicely worked in rather than a stupid love triangle that is portrayed in a way that results in me loving all three characters involved.

I love Rue and her part in the story. I love her talents and relationship with Katniss. Her death caused me to get teary eyed. The song and dedication of flowers on Katniss' part is absolutely amazing. There's not much I have to say other than it's great.

Another character I enjoyed: Foxface. I like the sneaky and witty, she brings some good diversity to the tribute group. The way she died was something I didn't see coming.

I can't decide if Katniss narrating the story is something I like or not. It lead to me being almost positive she would survive... which means I was pretty positive she would win the hunger game and that takes away a the surprise. Now, whether that surprise is something I really wanted or not... I don't know.

Another thumbs up: the berries. A slap in the face to The Capital. Such a marvelously potent and creative occurrence.

Alright, well.... I'll leave it at that for now. :) Tomorrow? Reading Catching Fire.

Thankful for Struggle

I keep thinking of the many struggles I've endured this semester as a flaw in my life. I've seen it as sin. I've been in this dark hole that I haven't seemed to be able to dig myself out of. Just to name a few: depression, low self-esteem, bitterness, worry, loneliness, selfishness, lust, and idolatry. But now, as I finally seem to have come out of the fog... I'm viewing it all differently. Struggle is a blessing. An easy going, fun, simple semester does not challenge me or bring me any closer to the Lord. Granted, much of my struggle has to do with sin and that sin is definitely not good. It would have been wonderful if I could have endured the struggles this semester and not fallen into many of those sins listed above. But I've learned from it. Humbled and blessed. I trust in a loving sovereign God who is guiding my story. I've asked Him to teach me to love Him like He desires for me to love him. He's shaping my character and has purpose in all things.

"Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O LORD,
   and whom you teach out of your law" - Psalm 94:12


"And the LORD will guide you continually
   and satisfy your desire in scorched places
   and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
   like a spring of water,
   whose waters do not fail." - Isaiah 58:11


I love Oswald Chambers and would highly recommend his book, My Utmost for His Highest. Here are some quotes from that book that have really seemed to apply to my situations lately: 


"If we do a thing in order to overcome depression, we deepen the depression; but if the Spirit of God makes us feel intuitively that we must do the thing; and we do it, the depression is gone. Immediately we rise and obey, we enter on a higher plane of life."


"If we are inspired by God, what is the next thing? To trust Him absolutely and to pray on the ground of His Redemption. Never let the sense of failure corrupt your new action." 


"Get into the habit of saying, "Speak, Lord," and life will become a romance. Every time circumstances press, say, "Speak, Lord"; make time to listen."


"By receiving His Spirit, recognizing and relying on Him, and obeying Him as He brings the word of God, life will become amazingly simple."


"Whenever we are obstinate and self-willed and set upon our own ambitions, we are hurting Jesus."


"The severest discipline of a Christian's life is to learn how to keep reflecting "the Lord's glory.""


"The majority of us have no ear for anything but ourselves, we cannot hear a thing God says."


"We have to get rid of the idea that we understand ourselves, it is the last conceit to go. The only One Who understands us is God. The greatest curse in spiritual life is conceit."

Love your neighbor

So I haven't blogged in a long while. I've been in a pit of loneliness, depression, and frustration. I could blog about that and how I'm coming out of it... but I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself so that isn't the topic. The concern is instead something that hit me about a week and half ago. Loving each other... and especially in this instance our brothers and sisters in Christ who are "harder to love".

I have two particular people in mind. One is a wonderful young man who is often searching for attention and usually has no filter for what he says or does. He's made his fair share of mistakes. The second his a fiery woman who is not afraid to be different, in fact... she is usually trying to be different. She says creative, out there things that most would never conceive of. "Crazy" is often used to describe her, either lovingly or negatively.

Before I explain my frustration with how people treat them, I want to explain how much love the Lord has given me for these two individuals. Not because I'm better, I'm not here to brag. I've asked for love and he's given it. Through all the crap I've been through this semester these two have loved and cared for me in ways many others have not. This young man has such a big heart! He's always ready to take care of me and almost never assumes that I have plans or don't need him. I love that. This beautiful woman has brightened my life with her creativity and poured out her heart to me. Despite the hurt she's experienced, she has willing loved me without much prompting at all. On top of that, she'll instantly tell you it's because of the Lord! God has revealed to me how wonderful these people are and how he can work through anyone and anything.

My frustration: It's obvious I'm trying to avoid implying who these people are and so therefore I can't explain specific instances of my frustration. But in a nutshell.

First individual: the majority of his friends and brothers in Christ treat him poorly by not taking him serious, having little patience, and hatefully calling him out in front of big groups of people. It makes me want to get up scream "HE IS YOUR BROTHER! THE LORD LOVES HIM!" Do you know why he is the way he is? Have you asked? Do you care? Yes, he's messed up a lot... but that gives him the perspective to love all those who've done the same. There's a moment in the gospels when Jesus rebukes the Pharisees for the way they treat an "unclean" woman who comes to Jesus. He says this, "her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little."

Second individual: Before I really met her I had multiple friends tell me she was crazy. Thankfully, I didn't let that keep me from getting to know her. But I wonder who have let it change their minds. And that irritates me so much! She has so much to give! Her love for the Lord is growing day after day and her fellow Christians write her off as crazy. Just as before, there are reasons for who she is... yet most of us are too wrapped up in our own selfish problems to see that.

My heart breaks that we treat each other in such judgmental ways. We can become so one-way minded of what's acceptable. I pray daily for the Lord to open my mind and allow me to love people as he loves them... for me to be able to see them as he sees them, with ultimate forgiveness.

"Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself." -Matthew 22:37-39

New fear

Satan has afflicted me with a new fear over the past few months. There aren't very many things I'm seriously afraid of.
I trust the Lord, there is nothing to fear but Him. Even then, love triumphs fear.

I might be scarred of pain sometimes, physical or emotional, but He always brings me through. It also tends to make me stronger or teach me something. Worry will sometimes get the best of me, but when I slow down, I know He is in control and it'll be alright. I've even overcome the fear of loneliness. While it's can sometimes seem overpowering, all I need is Him and He'll fill me.

This though... this seems different. I have no control over this and to some extent, neither does the Lord. It is in the freewill of another. It has everything to do with me and could completely change and damage something very precious and amazing. I pray fervently.

our skewed vision

my friend payton wrote this on his blog a little over a week ago. I like it. a lot. so I thought I'd give him a re-post. :)

And here is a link to his blog.

a few years ago, i had a late night conversation with one of my friends about temptations and the disputes that we have with one another. she mentioned to me that “far too often, we focus on what we don’t agree with rather than what we do believe.” i find it very interesting the things that we put our focus on. in a recent study with friends we talked about the temptations that we face. another one of my friends mentioned that “sometimes we are so concerned about not committing a particular sin that we are still in its’ grasp because we still focus on it rather than what we should be doing instead.”

these two things have been on my mind lately. disputes we have with one another and the battle that we have within ourselves.

faith and belief are constantly being tried and shaped within each and every one of us. what do you believe? what do you stand for? who are you? all of these questions we may face in different ways on a regular basis. it is interesting to watch churches, i’ve become excited to observe different settings and how they deal with their conflict. in a particular situation, a church was divided because of a ‘business issue’ that in turn pulled their spirituality apart. small matters that had been dealt with for years became separating topics. we have so many different denominations that exist, different ways to worship, different flavors even, but why do we focus so often and put so much stock in earthly matters rather than eternal ones and allow those to separate us? it is important to believe particular things and stand by them, but it intrigues me how simple god is in the bible sometimes. love your god, love your neighbor. the greatest of these is love. do we get caught up in disputes and petty arguments that rip our relationships and churches apart from the inside out?

there is a raging battle inside us all. we all struggle. we are all imperfect, but the way that we deal with our sin and temptations is defining of our lives. my friend mentioned that we get caught up in trying to avoid our sin that we don’t focus on good things. i’m too busy worrying about lying to pick up my bible. i’m too ashamed of the movies that i watch to pray to god and ask for his guidance. i am convinced that satan plants such lies within us and devours our self-worth more than we even know. there is something incredible though, god’s love prevails over satan every single time, time and time again. nothing can separate us from the love of god. (romans 8:38-39) how incredible is that news! i am a mess up, a sinner continually trying to dig myself out of this mud pit, but god still wants to be in relationship with me. he wants to rescue me, always. we have to ask him to. i believe that god has the power and ability to intervene in any situation that he wants, but we are called to be in relationship with him.

we have to acknowledge that satan has skewed our vision. once we acknowledge that, we can equip ourselves to combat him and depend on god to be our guide through all the trials and struggles that we face. i didn’t say that it would always be easy, but with personal experience recently, i know that something has to change in me.

someone i truly respect said recently that he asks himself two questions each morning: who am i? and where am i going today? we have to quit defining ourselves by our past, by the mud that satan throws at us. we are creation of the most high king who loves us dearly and longs for us to be with him. i don’t know what you need most, maybe it’s scriptures written all over your wall, your phone, your car, your house. maybe you need someone to be dependent with and walk with god alongside, an accountable person you can trust and confide in. we have to quit buying into the lies that satan uses. don’t give up, don’t believe that god doesn’t love you anymore, don’t believe that god won’t use you in incredible ways for his kingdom. we have to get on our feet and finally live for our god in all that we do.

“since, then, you have been raised with christ, set your hearts on things above where christ is, seated at the right hand of god. set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. for you died, and your life is now hidden with christ in god. when christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.” - colossians 3:1-4

Someone unseen

I almost always come here when I'm frustrated, upset, or overflowing with things to say with no one to listen. If someone were to only read my blog I suppose it wouldn't be a very balanced view of who I am. I guess that's not the purpose though... I don't have a blog to express who I am, sure that comes in to play... but I think it's more therapeutic than anything. Clearly, I think about the people who read it, but more than that it's a way of putting my thoughts in order before the Lord. It's almost like I'm writing to him, yet also getting the satisfaction of it being put out publicly to be concurred with. We all want to know we aren't alone, don't we?

Well, tonight I'm here because my family is screaming. Fighting. Arguing. Allowing the evil one to get a foothold over something totally not worth it. Everyone pointing figures yet no one taking the time to think that there is someone unseen who has caused it all. From an outside view, I know that they would never allow such an event to cause them to speak so viciously towards each other. One small comment that mounts to an argument we all know isn't worth it. What is this trivial subject? Dogs. Yup. You heard me. Dogs. We have four dogs and they got into a nasty fight. I'm not interested in telling the story, lets just say everyone has their own opinion on how the situation should have be handled and everyone has a favorite dog.

Ridiculous. That's all I can think. Absolutely ridiculous that we let something like this reduce us to how we've acted tonight. If we let petty arguments like this break out in our home, how are we ever suppose to be strong enough to stand together against world. I know that sounds dramatic but if we can't be meek, forgiving, and patient among those we love most, how will we practice that among the fellowship of the body of Christ? Which is an essential part in staying strong in the Lord. And I know my family is not the only one. As Christians we are called to different. Using an excuse for ourselves as being "normal" should never come up in our vocabulary. We are called to be different. We are called to strive for perfection. We are to labor steadfast with what we've been given (Matt. 25:14-30, Luke 19:12-27).

A Moment in the Mountains

I actually wrote this on the 6th but didn't have internet so it's just a tad late.


My family and I are on vacation in Yellowstone with my mom’s whole side of the family (minus a few that weren’t able to come… 14 of us in all). It has been amazing. It took us two and half days to drive here. I’d never seen real mountains before I saw the Rockies. They completely took my breath away. I spent a lot of time with the Lord during the drive. It was just my immediate family and headphones were an essential to survive. Nearly half of my day involved reading my bible, praying, worshiping at the sight of His beautiful creation, and reading Christian novels. But I don’t want to focus this post on those first few days; they were great with just a hiccup or two due to tight corridors with sisters.

What I do want to talk about is that past three days or so. Once we got to Yellowstone things got hectic. With such a big group there is vary rarely a quite moment and I feel guilty sticking headphones in because being here is suppose to be about family. It takes us forever to decide what we’re doing and where it is. Haha Needless to say, I have not spent nearly as much one on one time with Jesus. I’ve kept up my bible reading but vary rarely in a quite place alone and I also pray continually. My roommate is my Aunt who talks endlessly and I have four younger cousins here who are always ready to play. There was one point where dad and I hiked farther than everyone else up to the base of a waterfall. I was able to sit for a while and read some psalms but the group was quick to tell me we had to move on. By day two in the park I was depressed. It was frustrating. I’m in such a beautiful place with family that loves me so much…. How could I be sad? My self-esteem was low too. I’ve been looking at pictures of me and these beautiful waterfalls and mountains. I feel so mediocre and plain.

I’ve been reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge for a second time. It has challenged and taught me just as much as it did the first time. This time though, it’s had a slight negative affect too. I do not doubt there are plenty of good Christian men who have been able to take their wounds to the Lord and grown into strong leaders. What I do doubt while reading though… is that there is one that will love me. I know it sounds dramatic and silly. Eldredge summed up my feelings when he said, “No one is fighting for her heart; there is no grand adventure to be swept up in; and every woman doubts very much that she has any beauty to unveil.”

Then yesterday I was reminded of a few things. We were headed back to Old Faithful Inn after driving around all day finding waterfalls while a few others in our group had been horseback riding. Exhausted, depressed, and frustrated because of it I curled up in the backseat by myself and pulled out my ipod. After reading my daily chapters, I starred out the window at the mountains. Then a lesson hit me that I’ve already learned once before but because of what I’ve seen needed to be taught again. In Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge (woman version of Wild at Heart) there is a paragraph that asks you to think of the most beautiful scene on earth you’ve ever seen (the beach, mountains, anything that involves nature), then Stasi asks the reader to realize that you, as a woman of earth, are more beautiful than all that. Each step in creation was more complex, more beautiful. Dark and light, water and earth, and so on. The last thing created was woman and it was not as an afterthought… all this was incomplete without me. It should also not be taken for granted that God is far more beautiful than all his creations on earth and what I’ve seen is only a glimpse of his glory.

Then my thoughts went a step farther. I am more important than all this. Those mountains don’t have souls. The Lord made those mountains to reveal is love and showcase his glory. Above all else he wants relationship with me. When that fact is once again resonated throughout my body… the thought of not being loved by a Godly man becomes much less depressing. El Shaddai is fighting for my heart. He offers a great adventure and my role is essential. Because of Him I have much beauty to unveil. I have all that I need. He will care for me and if his will, bring me a man of after His own heart that I can share that adventure with.


Unfortunately, Satan couldn’t stand me dwelling so confidently in the Lord and hit me hard again last night. That struggle is harder to publically talk about, which is probably what makes it more lethal.

Sometimes I get annoyed because I feel like I’m relearning so many essentials of my spiritual walk that I should already know or have conquered. I pour myself out to him, what more can I do? I know there will always be struggles… but shouldn’t I just have new ones? Haha Am I really growing at all if I still fight the same battles? I’ve never really had a mentor and what I would give to change that! My parents and I have almost walked our spiritual walk together and I guess I’ve just never met an older woman with whom it all fell into place. I guess it’s not an essential, but it sure sounds appealing.

Mmmmkay, I think I’m done. I can’t think of a graceful way to end. If you’ve read thus far… I’m surprised and would love to hear your thoughts. ;)

We're all shipwrecks

Stolen Poems

A few stolen poems that make me feel better to read because they remind me I'm not alone in my feeling.

She sat alone on an island

Hills cascading into the fog

Staring at the swords drawn

From armies left on the other side of the sea

She stayed

Blue from the cold

Purple from the loneliness

But unmoving

Against the pressures from society

I Haunt My Own Mind
Confusion haunts me
As I wander the corridors of my mind.
Peeking into rooms filled with memories
I laugh, I cringe, I cry, and I feel terrified
All over again.
I shut the doors,
Feeling even more confused.
I stumble upon empty rooms
Waiting to be filled with new memories.
Some labeled, while others remain a mystery.
I shake the doorhandles to open
To show me the future I have yet to experience.
But they do not give way.
For I have not gone through those events yet.
I bang my hands on the doors
Pleading with them, with God, with myself
To show me what to do.
But all remains silent
And I am left to wander the hallways of my mind
Feeling worse than I did before.

I want someone who’d hold me close
and kiss all of my fears away.
I want someone who wants to be with me
without the need for asking him to stay
I do not need a love that’s perfect
I just have to know if it’s real and true.

Freedom

I've had this overwhelming feeling of freedom and peace lately. Not to say that certain stresses I've been dealing with lately like money and family issues have gone away. I just feel better about the idea of those things not working out anytime soon. It is all about perspective. My whole world could come crashing down and it would be ok because I have a relationship with the Lord of Lords. This is where my entry starts to sound corny because there are no words to express His glory and the utter importance of the relationship involving Him. Nothing else matters. I could end up not having enough money to go study abroad in Italy and He'll still be my Abba and will have great plans for me despite. My family may never get along or understand me, but He understands me completely. I may end up deserted in every romantic relationship... but the greatest lover of my soul will forever pursue me. Each day is another day to relish in his unfailing love and an opportunity to declare his splendor.

"If we were as concerned with our spiritual condition as we are with our homes and our businesses and our income; we would go forward spiritually at a great rate." - A.W. Tozer

"Whom have I in heaven but you?
I desire you more than anything on earth.
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart;
he is mine forever."
-Psalm 73:25-26



I've been a bit restless lately; annoyed with the requirement of work and the binding power money can have. I just want to have adventure. I'd rather pack up all my stuff and rough for a whole summer and get to rock climb all over the country. Unfortunately, that's not how it works out. The Lord has given me peace here too though. While I still desire to do that, I also know that the greatest adventure is that relationship with Him and the challenge of helping others to find that relationship themselves. He created those mountains and I know he wants me to experience them, but they are not what is most important. Patience. All good things come to those who are patient.

"1 Come, let us sing for joy to the LORD;
let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.
2 Let us come before him with thanksgiving
and extol him with music and song.
3 For the LORD is the great God,
the great King above all gods.
4 In his hand are the depths of the earth,
and the mountain peaks belong to him.
5 The sea is his, for he made it,
and his hands formed the dry land.

6 Come, let us bow down in worship,
let us kneel before the LORD our Maker;
7 for he is our God
and we are the people of his pasture,
the flock under his care.

Today, if only you would hear his voice,"
- Psalm 95:1-7 NIV



Update on 6/22
This entry became even more real today. All I need is You, Lord. And I wish others could see that all they need is the same. When my heart aches... He's there to hold me. It'll all be alright. Faith. He doesn't promises me no pain, but he does promise a happy ending. And hopefully some stinkin awesome moments before then.

Sharing the Wealth

Thought I'd spread the wealth of wisdom I've discovered. Here's a combination of sermons, books, and music that I feel have taught me and helped me grow.

Sermons:

The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating
By Andy Stanley
Got this one from my friend Bethany Chapman. :) It's a 4 part sermon so therefore... very long, but sooo worth it. I took a good three pages of notes.

Fire & Water
By Damon Thompson
Got this one from Miss Kayla Hatch. It's a 3 part but not as long as Love, Sex, and Dating. He's pretty up in your face, but I tend to like that kinda stuff. ha

Get a Job
By Ben Stuart
My friend Chloe Birdwell gave me a sermon after a break up I had my freshman year of college by Ben Stuart called The Undistracted Devotion. It was amazing and exactly what I needed at the time. I looked him up on the internet and found a site with a bunch more sermons for free by him. He's pretty funny and I've probably listened to at least 25 of his sermons.
More sermons by Ben Stuart

The Magnet of Meekness - Breaking through the Heart
By Mike Bickle
Kayla introduced to me to Mike Bickle. He's the founder of IHOP (International House of Prayer) in Kansas City. His website has a TON of sermons to listen to. This one in particular hit me hard, though. If you have a pride issue, prepare yourself. His site is well organized so I'd really encourage you to go look around and find a sermon on something that you struggle with. I don't agree with all that he says but he's definitely a man after God's own heart.
mikebickle.org

Choices
By Billy Graham
The classic Billy Graham. He's always a good choice and refreshing.

Books:

The Bible
By God
I know it's such a "sunday school answer" to list this. But seriously. It doesn't matter what you read or listen to, you have to be rooted in this first. How then can you test what you read if you don't examine the truth for yourself?

Mere Christianity
By C.S. Lewis
Really, anything by C.S. Lewis is a worthy read. Amazing and I vary rarely find something I disagree with. It's harder to concentrate on though because of the mix of his old english, high education, and deep thoughts.

Captivating
or
Wild at Heart
By John Eldredge
Girl and Guy versions. I read both and would suggest both. I can't tell you how many quotes I have throughout my journals that come from these two books.

Anything by A.W. Tozer.

Tracie Peterson
I was once that teenage girl that read Nicholas Sparks more than anything else. While his books aren't horrible... they definitely didn't help my spiritual life either. Sooo, if you're a woman who likes her romances, you should look up Tracie Peterson. She was my switch from Sparks. It's historical romance christian fiction. Kinda corny, but so is Sparks. ;)

The Mark of the Lion Trilogy
By Francine Rivers
Everyone always talks about Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. I read it, but wasn't super impressed... almost annoyed with how long it dragged on. But her Mark of the Lion Trilogy... AMAZING. I read all three books over Christmas break one year (and their not small books). This is again historical romance christian fiction, but I know a few guys that like it too.

Rob Bell
This man has definitely made me think. I've read a few of his books (including Velvet Elvis, Sex God, ect) and watched quite a few of his Nooma videos. He has quite a bit of truth in his early stuff. But as of late, this man has gone off the deep end. I'd be very careful in reading his material but as long as you test it, I think it can still help you grow.

Passion for Jesus
By Mike Bickle
Founder of International House of Prayer (IHOP). I'm really hoping I can visit there sometimes soon. *fingers crossed*

Blue Like Jazz
By Donald Miller
It's good. Nuf said.

Celebration of Discipline
By Richard J. Foster
I had to read this for a bible class at Harding. I don't remember who the teacher was... Andrew Baker maybe. Anyway, the class responded in different ways to it. Some didn't seem to like it at all, but I personally like it a lot and highlighted the crap out of it.

A Young Woman After God's Own Heart
By Elizabeth George
For all the pre-teen girls. haha I read this in Jr. High and think that it definitely started me out on a great path of learning and growing.

I Kissed Dating Goodbye
By Joshua Harris
Probably something I should read again even though I just read it within the past year. I read a TON of dating books throughout high school... and I wish I would have read this one first. But who knows, I probably wouldn't have been as receptive to it then. Harris has some extreme ideas that our culture will scoff at (hence the title). I've heard there is a sequel he wrote after getting married and I'd like to read it.

Music:

Hillsong
To all my church of christ friends that don't listen to much instrumental music... hearing this group could change your mind. So much emotion for the Lord... I love it.

Your Hands
By JJ Heller
Many of her songs are good but this is my favorite.

In Christ Alone
By Page CXVI
An amazing classic song redone very well but also in a more modern way.

Kim Walker
I especially like her version of How He Loves.

Joy (Live) Album
An album made from the worship services at IHOP. Various artists. Absolutely amazing. My favorite... if I had to choose would most likely be He's Alive by Laura Hackett and Cory Asbury

The Almost
Great band. I've cried countless times to Amazing Because It Is. They also have a good version of Your Love is Extravagant.

Sweet Sweet Sound
By Sarah Reeves

Pick Me Up
By Hideaway
I don't even know if anyone will be able to find them. They were a local band I saw play a couple times that I have a cd of. This song has helped me through many low points. "I wanna cry, when our worlds colliade. Our hearts are breaking. This sin is taking me from you. I wish I could find a way through the darkness in my heart, it's tearing me apart from you. I hate it when you find me here, cause I've fallen down the same place again. I got the same look on my face of guilt and sorrow. But I'm coming back tomorrow. Can you pick me up again?"

From the Inside Out
There are lots of good versions of this song. I probably listen to the one by Seventh Day Slumber the most.

A Mirror Is Harder to Hold
By Jon Foreman
He's just... great. haha

Stand On Grace
By Jimmy Needham
I memorized Needham's Benediction from his Speak. album for a sermon I preached once at my church. Good stuff.

Alright I should probably wrap this up... otherwise I'll go on forever.

I'll end with Barlow Girl, Tenth Avenue North, Skillet, Sanctus Real, Mychildren Mybride, and FM Static. They coached me through most of Jr. High and High School.


.... That was ridiculously long. I should be job searching. Later.

High standards + insecurity = complicated mess

I've debated for awhile whether or not to blog about these thoughts. I don't want to think about it but I do anyway... it's a bit unavoidable. My thoughts are just muddled, which is also my main reasoning in decided to blog about it. Maybe if I organize it to some degree then I can work some of it out in my head.

I've always been told and I've always believed that I have high standards. High standards for myself and for those around me, especially those I care about. Growing up, my parents rarely had to get on to me for things likes grades or goals in other areas. I held myself to such a high standard that when I failed I was more upset than they were.

When it comes to my family, having big ideals has really damaged my relationship with one of my sisters. She feels like she can't ever be good enough for me. That's not how I think though, I love her how she is. My love for her is unconditional. I just also see how much amazing potential she has and how the bad decisions she makes will only hurt her.

Guys. This is where the insecurity comes in. If you ask me what I want in a guy I again have "high standards". I don't think I'm over the top or unrealistic, but they are certainly up there. Although... if you look at my dating history, the high standards have gone out the window. Many of the guys I've dated were no where close to meeting those standards and I knew it from the beginning. So do I really have them? If I don't follow through with them then maybe they don't exist like I think they do. If that's true then where do I start in deciding what my standards should be?

As of late, my high standards have left me feeling very alone. Not just in relationships with guys, but with people in general. This one is hard to explain. The only way I can think to put it in words is individual stories, which I don't really want to tell. I just feel different.

It's not really a grace problem. I know people will fail and I'm ready to love them despite it. I screw up so much and I'm very willing to give the same amazing grace the Lord's given me to the people around me. I've prayed regularly for the Lord to allow me to love people more like he loves them. In return I've found my heart swelling with so much love that at times I literally feel like I might burst. My heart breaks. What gets me is when people try to make their sins and mistakes ok or just not so bad so they can do it again. Honesty, with ourselves.

Alright, I'm done. I don't know how much this as all helped in figuring stuff out, but I feel a bit better.

What if

Reading. A love. A must.

It's important. And in most cases... I believe essential.

Reading takes your mind places it cannot go on it's own. Books house whole new worlds that expand the mind. Literature is so diverse. There are infinite topics... you can't tell me you're not interested in at least one. It's not only about learning, but amusement, wonder, challenges, and a sense that we're not alone.

I do not have this opinion simply because I am an education major. I suppose that could be a large part of it. Although, it is amazing how many education majors and teachers I meet that absolutely hate reading or maybe even worse are completely apathetic about about. I might be able to understand if a high school math teacher struggles with a love for reading, but any teacher who teaches all subjects (K-6th) should have a broad love for knowledge... that includes reading. Nearly every other subject requires it. It's the basis of knowledge. If you as the teacher don't have a passion for the basis of knowledge, how do you ever expect to light a fire in your students. It just completely blows my mind.


When it comes to spiritual maturity, I also believe that reading has an important role. First being that there is a book called the Bible... and the God of the universe who created your innermost being speaks to you through it. Secondly, there are so very many wise christians that have come before us. They struggled and mulled over a good deal of what we do currently. Quite a few were righteous people that sought God out and have some remarkable things to share. And lastly, it's important to know the theories and beliefs that float around in the modern day world. Some have foundation and like works from past followers can help us grow and learn. Others are nowhere near the truth but we have to be aware of them. When I think of people I know who are spiritually mature or are strong leaders, they are well read. I don't think that's a coincidence.


I'm not saying reading is the above all, end all and it's impossible to wise without. In today's culture there are many other options. Technology has exploded with other options for gaining information. It's just a matter of searching out the right information. The very thing that has made it easier for those who struggle with reading to learn has crippled many. We get bored too quickly and don't have the patience to sit down and read a book.

Needless to say, I have a passion for reading. I do not yet consider myself "well read", but I am working on it. I only wish there were more hours in the day for me to do all I need to and read as much as I would like to.



Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book. ~Author Unknown

I would be most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves. ~Anna Quindlen, "Enough Bookshelves," New York Times

Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. ~Charles W. Eliot


The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them. ~Mark Twain, attributed
Books let us into their souls and lay open to us the secrets of our own. ~William Hazlitt

Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all. ~Abraham Lincoln

TV. If kids are entertained by two letters, imagine the fun they'll have with twenty-six. Open your child's imagination. Open a book. ~Author Unknown

Books had instant replay long before televised sports. ~Bern Williams

To read without reflecting is like eating without digesting. ~Edmund Burke

Books - the best antidote against the marsh-gas of boredom and vacuity. ~George Steiner

Your Hands

Imagination

I love, love, loooooove the song Imagination by Bethany Dillon.
It is not only beautiful to listen to but the lyrics speak to my heart so much.

Imagination by Bethany Dillon

I need to be reminded of who I was
When I took my first steps out the door
All I said now follows me around
I'm reminded I'm not like that anymore

I uprooted and miles behind me
Are the faces and the home I love
You've brought to my attention
I'm slowly changing and becoming
What I wanted to stop

Isn't that just like a finite mind
Setting out with such righteous indignation
But now I'm at your feet
Could you look at me with some imagination

The bush before me, I slip my sandals off
I only stopped to look
In the depths of the sea, in the midst of a great storm
I run, I run from you

Isn't that just like a finite mind
Setting out with such righteous indignation
But now I'm at your feet
Could you look at me with some imagination

So remind me why you woke me up
And why you wake me every morn
The staff in my hand
Held in by your love
Just stay close, stay close

Because I know my own mind
I set out with righteous indignation
But when I'm at your feet
Please look at me with some imagination
With some imagination

The Swell Season

Joy

Album recommendation: Joy (live) by various artists from IHOP (International house of prayer). AMAZING.

"My God's not dead, he's surely live. He's livin' on the inside. Roarin' like a lion. He's alive, now I'm alive." -He's Alive by Laura Hackett & Cory Asbury

"Ain't no party like a Holy Ghost party, cause a Holy Ghost party don't stop." ;) - Holy Ghost Party by Cory Asbury

"We are your royal priesthood. My dad he's not angry. He's not disappointed with me." - Marriage Wine by John Rizzo

"Death as no hold me, sin has no hold me. You have the victory!" -Awakening Melody (Featuring Joshua Hawkins) by Justin Rizzo

Lament

I went rock climbing at Horseshoe Canyon Ranch in Arkansas yesterday with my two sisters and some friends from school. It was the youngest one’s birthday, she turned 16. :) The middle sister and I have had lots of issues here in the past… 4 years? :/ But yesterday was probably the best day we’d had in that length of time. I was able to just let things wash over me and focus on the beautiful of nature around me, my wonderful friends, and just loving her. I realized again yesterday something that I at times forget because we’re so busy arguing. She’s broken. As am I. I truly believe that only THE Rapha can heal us.

I’ve encountered lately more “anti-Jesus” thinking than usual. Usually it’s disguised as something that sounds amazing and true. But I know. I know where it will take us. I see it everyday. I see people dealing with even more brokenness than I have to deal with. I long for the day when all is right and the Lord comes for us. There’s so much depravity. I wish I could be a little girl again, with a mind oblivious to all the evil. I’m so emotionally involved in what I see. My heart aches for people I barely know who have dived into a game of justifying the immoral because they think it’s what they want and what will make them happy. I don’t want to be devoured by the jaws of corruption. But those people or I suppose the evil one (the sin not the sinner) try desperately to convince me that it is what I want… to relish in my desires in a way that has nothing to do with how God has planned for us to enjoy them. Oh to be home with my Father.

Friendship

Friendship

“Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends."






"True friends stab you in the front."




“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”








“True friendship isn't about being there when it's convenient; it's about being there when it's not.”













"Friendship is a treasured gift, and every time I talk with you I feel as if I'm getting richer and richer."

stomach drops

ya know that feeling when your stomach drops at the sight of a specific someone? yeaaaah. I feel like that will be the definition of today. Sometimes it’s a happy feeling that’s welcomed. This time, I’d prefer to have control over it. :/ It drops at the visceral fear and ache those words inspire. Nevertheless, I need to stop fearing hurt. It was never anything, there wasn’t care or love… just selfishness. Time to move on and be a big girl.

moving on.... straight hair! it doesn't happen very often.


So I'd heard of the "prosperity" gospel before.. but I'm pretty sure once I did the climax was already gone. Anyway, I recently discovered that Kanye West is in the category of representing/promoting the prosperity gospel. I found that interesting, I'm not sure why it intrigued me so... maybe because he's a big name and I didn't expect any of them to be involved.

Spring break in a week. :) Dominated my Art Anatomy midterm this morning... that is probably the most difficult one I'll have.

Sometimes, when I need cheering up...

Anchors

Anchors. Pulling. They weigh on me. Keeping me from being who I desire to be. They make me uncomfortable in my own skin. Sinking. Struggling. Fighting. Some are heavier than others. When I ask, when I spend time with him, he relieves me of them. But over time, they creep back in. I go back asking for freedom once again and he always provides it. I long for that day when I will longer have to keep asking. They'll be gone forever.





"Oh, I guess they'll say I've grown
I know more than I wanted to know
I've said more than I wanted to say

I'm heading home
Yeah, but I'm not so sure
That home is a place
You can still get to by train"



"I don't give a damn,
I'm happy as a clam,
nobody knows me at all
Ah, what can you do?
There's nobody like you.
Nobody knows me at all"

Valiant. Vulnerable. Scandalous.

Just some quotes, thoughts, whatever... things floating through my mind that I feel compelled to spread.

"To put it bluntly, your flesh is a weasel, a poser, and a selfish pig. And your flesh in not you. Did you know that? Your flesh is not the real you." - John Eldridge

"Reason sits firm and holds the reins, and she will not let the feelings burst away and hurry her to wild chasms. The passions may rage furiously, like true heathens, as they are; and the desires may imagine all sorts of vain things: but judgement shall still have the last word in every argument, and the casting vote in every decision. Strong wind, earthquake-shoke, and fire may pass by: but I shall follow the guiding of that still small voice which interprets the dictates of conscience." quote from Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte

I want to be a woman of God. I want to be what he created me to be. Proverbs 31. Valiant. Vulnerable. Yet Scandalous. I want adventure and purpose.

"Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. Then you won't feel the compulsions of selfishness." -Galatians 5:16 The Message

"The devil he wore such a fine, fine shirt and it stayed so clean while he dragged me through the dirt." - Deb Talen

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" -Phil. 4:4

Wheat among weeds.

"I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away" - JJ Heller

"All else is temporal, except the things that are pleasing to Him." - Mike Bickel

I forget how good the devil is at his job. Pulling at my flesh, distracting me. I long for the day when I'll be free of it.

"The great dragon was hurled down - that ancient serpent called the devil, or satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him." - Rev. 12:9

From the best friend:

My best friend back home posted this today. The Lord is so amazing. I haven’t even talked to her in weeks and the Lord is still placing the same thing on our hearts! I’ve been throwing around some of these same thoughts in my head lately! I’m truly baffled at how God connects her and I without even the need to communicate at times. So anyway, here ya go:

I’ve had a burden on my heart lately about purity and godly relationships. I’m writing my thoughts down in a word document that has gotten pretty lengthy, but I feel like the Lord wants me to post a few thoughts today before the whole thing is finished. Some of these statements will probably seem bold and extreme, but I stand by them because I do feel like they are from the Lord. I welcome any and all thoughts and comments!

(Please note: Just because you’re tagged in this doesn’t mean that I think you need to hear it. I really just want to hear your thoughts. And I know most of you well enough that I know you’ll have something to say (…*Cough*…Katie and Matt….). I truly care about your thoughts because this issue is really important to me.)

Lately I’ve been floored with the people who have come to me confessing sexual impurity. Many of whom are looked to as leaders in youth groups and are seen as genuine christians.

Last night I was praying asking God what is the missing piece? I’ve heard many purity sermons, and I know I’m not alone on that. But impurity runs rampant in the church, even with more churches addressing it. Many people who confess and repent fall right back into their lusts until the next purity message is preached to them. But why? What’s missing? I feel like the Lord said to me this:

The Bottom Line: To be pure yourself, and to have a godly, pure relationship, both people in a relationship have to be in love and fascinated with Jesus and the things of Jesus.

I feel like sexual impurity’s definition has been watered down to only extreme physical relations. So for our purposes, this is how I define it.

Sexual impurity: Engaging in any intimate relations, physical or emotional, with someone other than your spouse.

When you’re married it’s not okay to kiss, flirt, or share personal, intimate things with members of the opposite sex, so I don’t think it’s okay before you’ve found your spouse.

I believe that dating around for the purpose of dating is selfish, and out of Godly character. Looking for love outside of the Lord is so dangerous!

I also believe that casual dating is a one way ticket to sexual impurity. You don’t have to date around to find what you want in a guy/girl. Being in love with Jesus will show you that.

If you are dating someone who doesn’t have the same zeal, passion, and conviction about the things of the Lord that you do, get out! Run for the hills! It’s not worth sacrificing your relationship with the Lord! Don’t even entertain those thoughts, because they are straight from Satan. This matter is not to be taken lightly. I promise you that you will be dragged down 100x faster than you will lift them up. And, someone might even depend on you for their relationship with the Lord.

This area, like all other areas of the christian life, isn’t supposed to be similar to the world’s way. And the area of dating looks all to familiar to the world’s way of dating.

I’m truthfully not trying to be condemning. I’ve screwed up in every single one of these areas that I’m addressing. I don’t know why the Lord has lit such a fire in me about this, but He has and I can’t keep it in. I truly feel like this area has been compromised in, and that if we can get a handle on the issue of pure, Godly relationships, we can better address the more severe issues of pornography, abortion, homosexuality, and other sexually immoral issues.

Don’t compromise for companionship! It’s not worth it! Jesus wants to fill that void. If you are not okay with being single, then you are not ready to be in a relationship. We’re all created with the longing to be loved, and to have companionship, but Jesus is the only one who can fill that void. And I promise you being intimate with Jesus, and finding your pleasure and fascination in His presence with satisfy you more than any other relationship!

"The most beautiful colors chase the sun"

I found a new (well, new to me) band that I like. :)

I'm reading "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris. I've owned it for at least 3 years, but had thought of it has a "high school" book... I guess. ha Turns out I shouldn't be so prideful cause Mr. Harris has lots of awesome things to say. I've heard there is a sequel... and I'll definitely be looking into it. Soooo, don't judge it by it's title and go read it. ;)

I went to the Boxamania ASWF wrestling function yesterday. I was expecting it to be fun, but I enjoyed it way more than I expected. haha It was hilarious, not to mention lots of super awesome people were there.

I've been in a really weird mood today. Just kinda of nonchalant. I am craving sour patch kids though.


Have a good week!