30 by 30

I think the most important thing I’ve continued to realize this semester is how much I have to learn. I’ve also gotten a new perspective on my pride and how I need to fix it. Reading through the Gospels and being reminded of how perfect Jesus is also opens my eyes to the fact that no one is good, not even one. I am no better than anyone else. I think this is something that is especially hard for us who have grown up in a materialistic culture to deal with because the culture is “all about me” focused.
At first I thought it was silly to say I was finding myself. I felt like that was such a teenager stage to be in. It has really become evident to me this semester that we are definitely working on finding ourselves, all of us. College students are known for having outlandish dreams. I love it. Everywhere I go on campus I hear people talking about big ideas and goals they have in life.
The sad thing is, a lot of our elders say it’s just a phase. I can’t count how many times I’ve talked about some big dream I have and gotten some crazy a look from someone older than myself. So what is possible and a reality… and what is just a phase I’m going through? What will I choose to chase after and make a reality? And most importantly, will it be for the Lord?

In this all about me culture, it also affects our goals. I recently started a 30 by 30 list (30 things to do by the time I am 30 years old). The first thing that went on it was to rock climb “The Nose” on El Cap in Yosemite. The Nose is a 2,400 ft climb that takes an average of 4 days (2 nights sleeping on the side of cliff) and lots of experience. The next thought that ran through my head was this, “Do I want to achieve this for me? Or is it for Lord?” If my motives are just so I can say I did it, I am doing it for the wrong reasons. If I want to tackle this feat so that I can impact people along the way and become closer to Jesus through the journey, then let’s start buying gear. Everything I do in life should be for El Shaddai. I should be pouring Him into my relationships on earth and loving on people as He works through me. I am ready to dream big and allow the Lord to penetrate every part of it.

Learning to be Joyful

In a place like America we have so much stuff. Material things flood our daily lives and are on our minds. We've made this mistake of trying to be joyful with what we see have in this earthly kingdom. Nothing will truly bring us joy and celebration but the Lord and I know it sounds a bit odd... but obedience to him will bring us abundant reason to celebrate!

Depression is the epidemic here. And I can't help but think that it is because we are selfish and/or trying to fill our voids with education, earthly relationships, sports, and material possessions. We say we're christians... but then act like the world. We even view celebration in the same light at times. "The carefree spirit of joyous festivity is absent in contemporary society. Apathy, even melancholy, dominates the times."

"Joy is found in obedience." I thought it sounded odd when I first heard it too. I've been reading Celebrations of Discipline for my Bible class and the last chapter/discipline is celebration and it mentions this idea of joy and reason for celebration being found in obedience. While it didn't make sense to me at first, it's starting to now. If we would listen and obey the Lord and his will for our lives, we will have overflowing joy. His will is perfect and by obeying him we will be blessed and have reason for life.

"Often we try to pump up people with joy when in reality nothing has happened in their lives. God has not broken into the routine experiences of their daily existence. Celebration comes when the common ventures of life are redeemed."


I have quite a few friends right now who are unmotivated, depressed, and searching for joy. I'm struggling with having patience with them, I want to shake them and tell them how blessed they are and if they'd only focus on the Lord their cup would overflow. What is crazy about that is I was just there last year. I was not joyful my freshman year of college. I allowed the struggles of a changing life get me down. I know what it is like so I should be able to have patience because I can relate, right? I don't know what it is. Perhaps I need to knock down some walls of pride.

Let's learn to celebrate together. :) I think it will take some a community effort.

Realizations of a Nerd

So in high school school, I always thought that the girls who had all the guys adore them must really enjoy it. Maybe it's uber cliche, but I just thought that the popular girls had lots of fun? I don't know. haha Anyway, needless to say, I was not one of those girls. Frizzy hair to start out my high school career, but even once I got it under control I was busy doing well in school and learning more about what it really means to be a christian.

Now that I am in college, I have a few guys that follow me around. Not to say I have ton, maybe all the nerds like me just got bolder so now their voicing their feelings. haha Who knows. Now that I have a few young men interested though, I've come to a new conclusion: I don't like it and it's not fun. Why you ask? Because the majority of them end up hating me when I don't return their "love". Why can't we just be friends?!?! haha I know it's a tad silly but this is me venting over just wanting to be friends with the few boys who want more.

Alright, now that I've broken the long silence of no blogging with my mellow dramatic problem... maybe sometime soon I can come and blog about something meaningful.

peace.

How To Be Alone

Parting ways with artwork

I just gave away a piece of artwork I did in high school that I am quite attached to. It's ok though. I offered it up. I'm teaching myself a new lesson. There are better things to come. I have to stay focused on what is ahead. What I have done is great and represents milestones. This particular piece won't be able to be shown in my senior art show when I graduate college (for multiple reasons). I am a much better artist now than I was then, I am capable of a good deal more.

Art is meant to be enjoyed. Loved. Critiqued. That doesn't happen when it is sitting in my closet. The friend I gave it to, I know will respect it and show it off. She may even love it more than I do. It's all for the better. :)

The Weepies :)

Something I need to hear

Breathe.
Slow down.
Trust.
Don't rush.
Patience.
Let go.
Adventure.
Love.
Life.

He loves me and He's in control. All that matters is Him... despite what others do or say. I was made for relationship, relationship with the El Shaddai. Don't be afraid to let him be your all, there is nothing better.



"She is the crescendo, the final astonishing work of God. Woman. In one least flourish creation comes to a finish not with Adam, but with Eve. She is the Master’s finishing touch… His piece de resistance. She fills a place in the world nothing and no one else can fill… (Ladies) Look out across the earth and say to yourselves, “The whole, vast world is incomplete without me. Creation reached its zenith in me.”

And she, too, bears the image of God but in a way that only the feminine can speak. What can we learn from her? God wanted to reveal something about Himself, so he gave us Eve… Eve is created because things were not right without her. Something was not good. …Something is missing? What could it possibly be? Eve. Woman. Femininity. Wow. Talk about significance."
- from Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge

To know me you would have to know...

Had to write this for my bible class. Thought I would share. :)

To know me you would have to know…
That I am too complicated for 250 words, but I don’t think that is an unusual thing for women. I am always changing. While there are some characteristics that will forever be me, there are others that come and go. Learning, growing, and thinking… being static is not an option.
I consider myself a deep thinker. I long for the day when my redeemed soul will discover that at last she has pleased him whom she was created to please. I love the Lord with all my heart and believe that Jesus is the Christ the son of the living God. I am nowhere near perfect but am a perfectionist in many areas of my life. A complicated mess, yes, but I am El Shaddai’s beautiful complicated mess. I desire adventure and yearn to make a difference. Rock climbing is my sport. I am the oldest of three girls. My parents have been married 23 years. I am a double major in Middle School Math and Science Education and Art. Other than the essential next step plans, I try to avoid getting too set on an “order of operations” for my life. I want God’s will for my life and nothing less, it is hard to do that when attempting to tell God when marriage should be, along with where and what I “should” be doing.
My freshman year of college was one of the most challenging years of my young life. I had always assumed that in college, school itself would be hard but making friends would be easy. For me, it was the opposite. I felt out of place and different. When first looking back on that year I had a moment of heartbreak because it seemed at first glance like a complete waste. Even though I was extremely lonely and I would never want to go through it again, I would never want to undo it. I learned so much and grew closer and closer to Jesus. However, from there on out I decided that, for me, living life to the fullest would have a new meaning. There are people to meet, mountains to climb, and adventures to have with my Lord and Savior.

We, The Adulterous People

I love coffee. :)



***


Siblings fight. (especially me and mine)
But we make up.
We come back to the fact that we love each other.

Christian brothers and sisters fight.
But we don't always make up.
In history we even go to war with each other.
We do it today in the church.

Real wisdom brings about peace.

I have often wondered, that persons who make a boast of professing the Christian religion, namely, love, joy, peace, temperance, and charity to all men, should quarrel with such rancorous animosity, and display daily towards one another such bitter hatred, that this, rather than the virtues they claim, is the readiest criterion of their faith.

~Benedict de Spinoza

Churches.
Denominations.
Cliches.
Social Clubs.
Politics.

What does it for you?
What causes the friction for you?
What do you get angry about?

James 4:1-12

Is it really others or is it us?

Selfishness.

Inspired by Ben Stuart's sermon "You Adulterous People"


***



Photo By Olena Legeyda
















Photo By Christina White
"A conceptual image showing what is happening to the world, and the future generation of teenagers and kids in terms of electronics and media."












Taken by yours truly at a tea party

Lifehouse

I can't tell you how many times I've watched this video.
It never gets old.

Picture this...: Do Something

Picture this...: Do Something: "He must become greater; I must become less. John 3:30 http://www.innercityoutreach.net/ http://raphahouse.org/ http://www.ijm.org/ http..."

And the world spins madly on

PATIENCE. or for me lately... lack there of.
Patience with co-workers and customers.
Patience with sisters.
Patience with parents.
Patients with myself.
It's quite frustrating. :(

"As prisoners of the Lord, I urge you, then, to live a life worth of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." Ephesians 4:8



And the world spins madly on.

"Please don't go
Please don't leave me alone
A mirror is so much harder to hold
I could try and point the finger
But the glass points in my direction
Sure you've got your sharp edges
But my wounds are for my own reflection
You've got nothing I could ever hold against you
I've got fatal flaws to call my own
Please don't go
Please don't leave me alone
A mirror is so much harder to hold"

- A mirror is Harder to Hold by Jon Foreman



And the world spins madly on.

We all desire the same thing don't we? You all put on a good front... most of the time you have me fooled. But I know it's true. I'm not alone. We all want to be loved. We all want to matter. We all wish to be apart of something creative, beautiful, and noble. The wonderful truth it that we are. Don't get lost and forget. The darkness teems down over trying to blind. Snatch up the truth and shine it for all around to see.


And the world spins madly on.

life is a first grade boy throwing rocks and sticking his tongue out, daring me to punch him in the face.

Got this from a girl I follow on blogger. I love it. :)

pesky little thing, this life.

you think he likes you and then someone points out the "kick me" sign he taped to your back, or you get up from your desk to go to lunch and you find double-bubble gum stuck to your toosh.

and after crying (of course) you wonder if you have the girl-power to push him down on the playground in front of all of his friends.



...but you do not.


because secretly, deep down inside that little heart of yours, past the fear of cooties and rejection, you still have a huge crush on life.


so, even though life continues to poke and tease and push and pinch, you'll shrug your shoulders and flip your hair and keep your undisclosed, annoyed thoughts to yourself




because you know that life is just going through a phase and, in the days to come, life can only get better.


...and more attractive.

Words.

Work. Work. Work.
Bleh.
It's not just the "work". It's the minimum wage and not so nice or fair bosses.
Once books are bought and I buy stuff for my room since I won't have a roommate this year (on the bright side... that is quite exciting!) I don't think it will look like I worked this summer at all. Can someone say BUUUMMMEEERRR!?!?!?! haha

Other than work I've been trying to rock climb when I can. It's just soooo stinkin hot! But I do think I've improved some. :) Can't wait to climb with all my friends back at school. :)

Yesterday my friend Bethany and I were hanging out and she played this song in the car on the way to lunch. It was called Rocks and Water by Deb Talan. I absolutely love it.


Not perfect.
Dreaming.
Beginning.
In Christ Alone.
Volume.
Hear and See and Smell.
Acceptance.
Inspiring.
Tough.
Forgiveness.
Green.
Perspective.
Romantic.
Rain.
Raise your voice.
Katie.
Jesus.

I love how simple words and phrases can take the mind so many places. It doesn't take much does it? One word can mean so many. Add art and color to those words and it can be channeled, expanded, and detailed. Not only are word and meaning present... did you notice? Feelings. There is emotion in words too. Even when not spoken. And they can be completely different for each person, making the meaning of the word different for that person also. Amazing.

Coffee Shop and Thoughts

hhhmmm... well today was a pretty good day. :) Went to work this morning. The day went by pretty fast. Once I got home my parents and I went to see a movie. It was nice to get to see a movie with just mom and dad and no one else. That doesn't happen very often. I'm now at a coffee shop in springfield where Blackbird by the Beatles is playing over the speakers. :D How I miss this town when I'm in Searcy!!! Drink for tonight: Virgin Mudslide: pure white chocolate and irish cream

So lately I have had a TON of blog topic ideas. Just things that I think about a lot or just have some burning opinion on. I was going to try and pick one and really expand on it.... buuuut I have found that when it comes to blogging/writing I often get frustrated because I feel like I can't properly express what I'm feeling/thinking. So instead, I think I might just "lightly" hit each subject :D

Oh, and the music has changed, it's now You and You're Heart by Jack Johnson haha just thought I'd fill you in ;)

Topic #1 : Helpless Romantic
While my ex-boyfriends (especially Joey) would probably disagree, I have come to the conclusion that I am a helpless romantic. (btw... I say Joey would disagree because in his opinion I make decisions in my relationship based mostly on my mind, not my heart unlike himself...) Aaaaanyway, I think I would be a mild case of a helpless romantic but then again... every girl is to some extent. It's a struggle to remember that my Lord is the one who completes me and who loves me beyond all else... not my ideal future husband.... the poor man.

The song has changed again.... I had to look this one up to know what it was haha The First Day of my Life by Bright Eyes

Topic #2: Skin
My sisters, their friends & mine, and just about every other woman and girl in the United States shows too much of it (myself included at times). It has never bothered me so though as when I see my two sisters walk out the door to go to the movies with boys with short shorts and tank tops on like they did tonight. I know it's the mother in me... so I don't say anything. But I just wanna get down on my knees and beg. "Do you not see?! Do you not understand what message you are sending!? I know you, you're not like that... you're giving out the wrong message. You are causing others to sin. You are allowing yourself fall into a trap that secretly begins to make you believe that all you are is what you look like. You wonder dear sisters why your self-esteem is so low? Realize that the kind of boy you want would not desire for you to dress like that! It breaks my heart."

... I was too into that last one, I have no idea what music was playing

Topic #3: Analysis of Self: Motherly and Deep and Big Thinker
The last topic leads me nicely into this one! Motherly, yes I am. Lately I have wondered if it is the Lord's will for me to be single (despite all my helpless romanticness). But this characteristics seems to finish of the idea. I am motherly beyond control, it must be the Lord's will for me to have children. ha! .... Deep and Big Thinker. I don't really know what all to say about this one. There was a woman who told me I was this last night at my family's BBQ. Despite all my seriousness and my many deep thoughts and opinions... I am still a dreamer (aka big thinker). It can't be good for me haha because I only end up arguing with myself like a mad woman over the practical and the out to save the world and have adventure mumbo jumbo. teehee

Song: Push by Matchbox 20

Topic #4: Analysis of my troubled sister
For those who know me well, they know which one I'm talking about. I love her very much, but we can not get along. I know it takes two to fight and I will not deny that I am also to blame for the bad relationship. I think my mother would be annoyed if she heard me call her "my troubled sister". It's not like she has a problem such a drugs or something rebelliously crazy. She's just... troubled. Which may seem to you like every other teenage girl. But despite the many who have told me I'm wrong... I've come to the conclusion that as Christians we/they (even though I'm 20, I very much still feel like a teenager sometimes) should not have to be the average troubled teen. Not saying they won't struggle, but we have Jesus... so shouldn't things be different in every stage of life? Not just adulthood. If you've made it this far... first of all I'm impressed and secondly, please tell me your opinion on the "average american teenager" and the christian life. :)

I can't hear the music anymore :( There's a load group in here chatting. Bummer, I was having fun doing updates on music! :)

Topic #5: Wisdom
My momma and I listened to this sermon a few days ago on the subject. It was by Ben Stuart and it was titled "Who is Wise?". It was reeaaaally good. Wisdom is more than knowledge. Simple concept... even obvious, but it blew me away. Wisdom is not only know what things are, but know how they work and how to use that information to do something about it. Perhaps a better way (or just a synonym) to describe wisdom would be insight. Wisdom isn't shown by what we say, but what we do, day by day deeds and works. James 3:13-18. How do you know you are wise? HUMILITY. The wise person in proverbs is the one who knows they don't know everything. Wisdom takes God into account... "the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom". Godly wisdom is pure, peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial, and sincere. Wisdom is taking your gifts and helping other to flourish.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."
-James 5:1

Alright, those are all my topics. haha :D Time to go rock climbing!!! :)

Love,
Katie K

Favoritism

I work with this young man who is bible major of some sort. Our discussion at work the other day somehow got to the place where he was talking about future ministry.
He said that he hated one age group but loved the other.
My brow furrowed and I tried to take a breath (as I often have to do when I wanna jump into a rant that doesn't have much love mixed into it as it should) and said that I didn't think that was fair.
He rolled his eyes and me.
So I then said that James clearly says that favoritism is wrong.
He asked me if I'd ever read the Old Testament and that it was full of favoritism.
I then decided to give up on the conversation because it was obvious that he was set on being painful and close minded (or I felt that maybe I was wrong and I was the one being painful and close minded)

So when I got home that night I opened up my bible and read the following:

James 1:26-2:13 (New International Version)

26If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. 27Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Chapter 2
Favoritism Forbidden

1My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don't show favoritism. 2Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in shabby clothes also comes in. 3If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, "Here's a good seat for you," but say to the poor man, "You stand there" or "Sit on the floor by my feet," 4have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?
5Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him? 6But you have insulted the poor. Is it not the rich who are exploiting you? Are they not the ones who are dragging you into court? 7Are they not the ones who are slandering the noble name of him to whom you belong?

8If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, "Love your neighbor as yourself,"[a] you are doing right. 9But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers. 10For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it. 11For he who said, "Do not commit adultery,"[b] also said, "Do not murder."[c] If you do not commit adultery but do commit murder, you have become a lawbreaker.

12Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom, 13because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment!

After that I listened to this sermon by Ben Stuart on favoritism called the Poor and Peripheral.

This is what I got from it :)
The whole book of James argues that as a Christian, God has radically changed who you are, so the natural thing to do is to radically change how you live. When we change how we live it also includes changing our thinking. Partiality, favoritism... if you are a believer you should not make distinctions between people, and ascribe worth to a certain group based on external appearance, social status, age, cultural worth, or personality. We all have that one group that we externalize and it is wrong (beautiful people, "greek" college students, certain styles, the rich, the poor, anyone who isn't like us). You know you got the disease when you not only care and love the poor but you care about their personal holiness too. Jesus moved towards the poor and hurting, the people who had nothing to give of worldly value. He moved toward them not for his own personal benefit but for theirs.

My co-workers and pets

Today was such a long day. I worked 10 hours at Lambert's. It's wasn't too bad, just long. :) I've began to realize more and more lately how many co-workers I have who don't really know Christ. They think they do, but it's all a very skewed view. Which always puts me in an awkward position... because I want to explain what Jesus is like or explain that he is the reason I love them all so much, but they think they already know. So no one is open to it. It makes me start to think that maybe evangelizing is easier with people who have no concept or past commentary on who my glorious Savior is. I know it is important to let your love and actions evangelize for you, especially in a society/culture where Jesus' name is already known... but here's the sad thing.... there are more loving atheists around me in the work place than loving christians (AND THE CHRISTIANS OUT-NUMBER THE ATHEISTS!) Ridiculous.
Moving on to my next rant. :) I love my pets. haha
It's amazing how much joy my dogs can bring me when they are waiting for me when I come home from work.
Or when my cocker spaniel follows me everywhere I go because she's scarred of storms and thinks that I can protect her.

Or when my west highland terrier follows me around with a ball in her mouth talkin up a storm because she wants to play.

My calico cat would NOT allow me to check my facebook this morning, she insisted on being the center of attention, even if that meant having to roll all over my macbook. Last but not least we have this black outdoor cat... I love it when I go outside to call him and he races across the yard like some jaguar or something and then rolls around at my feet. Pets are awesome... God is awesome for knowing we would enjoy them so much :) To add to it all, my family is getting two puppies on thursday! Yaaaay!

If I'm completely honest with myself...

I don't really miss you. At first, it seems and sure feels like it is you that I miss. But in all reality I just miss having someone. Someone to hold me and allow me to feel secure.
Someone to talk to. Someone to stand by me.
I miss all the things that anyone else could miss about anyone in the world.
Sure you have certain quirks that I like about you, but I have those for quite a few people in this world.
So when the day comes that I miss you for you and not just because I want someone to hold me, then I'll know you're the one.
When no one else will do...
That's when I'll miss you.
That's when I'll love you.

My sister

So, I have this sister.
A beautiful creature.
She's funny and has a big heart.
Smarter and more courageous than she knows.
But she's broken...
very broken.
Broken by the world.
Not that she has had to endure more than any other teenage girl, but Satan has it out for her lately. And it breaks my heart, because she doesn't see it. Satan takes his foothold without her acknowledgment. She fights, but she fights against herself, family, and the Lord... not the evil one.
When I am away from her I have nothing but compassion, my heart aches for her. The tears on my face will tell you that I would like for nothing more for her to see how beautiful life is. How beautiful SHE is. How BEAUUUTIFUL THE LORD IS! Most of all, for her to have an unbreakable, thirsting, relationship with the Lord.
But when I am with her, Satan gets the best of me too. My patience dwindles. My compassion evaporates as she presses every button she knows how to. Voices raise too quickly and end in silent anger.
We are at war, only some do not see it. How dangerous to be in a war and not realize it?! Only, it's not with each like we often think, but with devil.


"We were born into a world at war. This scene we're living in is no sitcom; it's bloody battle. Haven't you noticed with what deadly accuracy the wound was given? Those blows you've taken - they were not random accidents at all. They hit dead center... It was an attempt to take you out; to cripple or destroy your strength and get you out of the action." - John Eldridge
So behind all the teenage attitude and "big girl wisdom"... I know the little girl is in there. Let her reach out and ask for help?

Please? Let yourself be vulnerable, to the one that matters. To your creator, father, Lord, savior, friend, and healer. I love you.

Come consume me, Jesus

Father God, you are so good, so beautiful, so just, so glorious. Thank you Abba for loving us, for being so merciful. Nature declares your power and might. You are all that matters. Dear Lord, I'm sorry. My pride blinds me. Forgive me, Hessed! I am selfish and undeserving. The christian martyrs I read of had so much love and forgiveness for their persecutors! And here I am, struggling to give the same response to my loving family, bosses, and co-workers who do MUCH less to me. I am so weak. So unclean. I am sorry Jesus, I'm sorry. Teach me to love. Show me what it means to have patience and be self-controlled... to be gentle and kind but at the same the time bold and courageous. Give me your eyes dear Lord, allow me to love deeper. Strengthen my faith, strengthen my feeble frame. Show me the way, give me the words. Speak through me. I want to trust you Father. For you alone are worthy of being trusted! Your love is deeper than any other. Fill me, Holy Spirit, until I am over flowing, I want others to see YOU when they look at me. Any success I have is because of you. All I have is yours Yahweh! Mold me and make me. Humble me and teach me. Heal me, Rapha, for this world rips at me and leaves me broken and tattered. I need you, I want you. Come burn in me, Jesus... like an uncontrollable fire, come consume me. It is in your name that I pray. Amen

The Lord’s Name is HOLY!

I feel like the commandment “do not use the Lord’s name in vain” is the commandment that gets dealt with most light heartedly. I don’t know what to say to help others see how Holy the Lords name is! There are not words to describe. I do not think we realize how much power and meaning there is in His name. We get this attitude that “it’s just a name”. He is the one. He is Jesus. He is the LORD. There is might in his name.

"Keep my commands and follow them. I am the LORD. Do not profane my holy name. I must be acknowledged as holy by the Israelites. I am the LORD, who makes you holy.” - NIV Leviticus 22:31-32

“No using the name of God, your God, in curses or silly banter; God won't put up with the irreverent use of his name.” - Message Exodus 20:7

I think it’s also important to realize that scripture doesn’t only talk about the Lord’s name in reference to misuse but also the power it has when we use it correctly.

“When you are assembled in the name of our Lord Jesus and I am with you in spirit, and the power of our Lord Jesus is present,” – NIV 1 Corinthians 5:4

“By faith in the name of Jesus, this man whom you see and know was made strong. It is Jesus' name and the faith that comes through him that has given this complete healing to him, as you can all see.” – NIV Acts 3:16

and her fortress was built, brick by brick

I recently finished reading Wild at Heart by John Eldridge. There was one chapter where he spoke of a man's need to be a hero and woman's need to be rescued. In order to do that "Adam" will have to tear down the walls that have been built around "Eve's" heart from her past. He says that by the time this moment comes those walls may have been multiplied into a fortress. At first I thought that my walls would never amount to a fortress. I've never been physically abused, my parents are still married and love each other, I'm still a virgin and for the most part have dated good guys. I started to think of the problems I do have as minor compared to those of others. But that is exactly what Satan wants me to believe isn’t it? That my problems are nothing and I’m making a bigger deal out of it than it really is. Right? I don’t really know.
I do know that I FEEL like there is a fortress being built. All 5 boyfriends have left their own wall. The world has broken me and built others. My flesh fights me and I build another. I’m tired and worn… and I’m only 20. I fight for purpose, but can’t seem to find any. I don’t want to let anyone in, but I do. I fight for control even though I know it’s not mine to control.


“When Eve was deceived, the artistry of being a woman took a fateful dive into the barren places of control and loneliness. Now every daughter of Eve wants to “control her surrounding her relationship, her God.” No longer is she vulnerable; now she will be grasping. No longer does she want simply to share in the adventure; now she wants to control it. And as for her beauty, she either hides it in fear and anger, or she uses it to secure her place in the world. “In our fear that no one will speak on our behalf or protect us or fight for us, we start to recreate both ourselves and our role in the story. We manipulate our surroundings so we don’t feel so defenseless.” Fallen Eve either becomes rigid or clingy. Put simply, Eve is no longer simply inviting. She is either hiding in busyness or demanding that Adam come through for her; usually, an odd combination of both.” -Wild at Heart

He pinned me exactly. So what do I do about it? How do I let go of the need to control? How do I trust that man will fight for me? What if no one ever will fight for me?

Adventures with my Lord and Savior

These past couple weeks have been so hectic in the preparation for the end of the year. Right now, I sit in a practically empty dorm room. Tomorrow my freshman year will officially be over after my 8 o'clock final. Crazy. I need a vacation. ha Freshman year was not what I expected. Extreme loneliness. Tough classes. Heartless people. Good and bad relationships. A broken heart and pride. Self-esteem struggles. I've taken the road less traveled at Harding University and it's taught me much. I am better because of these struggles. The tears have made me stronger.

When first looking back on this year I had a moment of heartbreak because it seemed at first glance like a complete waste. Yes, I've made friendships and had many fun times... but I could have had so many more. Did I waste my freshman year because of shyness and self-esteem issues? Not at all. The struggles I experienced were REAL. They taught me something. However, from here on out living life to the fullest will have a new meaning. There are people to meet. Mountains to climb. Adventures with my Lord and Savior.

The Lord has great plans for me. :) And I'm excited to experience them.

Struggle with Compassion

“This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another.” 1 John 3:11

“For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.” Romans 12:3

I have struggled lately with compassion. I decide to give it to some, even most, but not all. I think it is safe to say that most Christians tend to have compassion for their fellow Christian but struggle in giving compassion to the ‘sinner’. I seem to have switched this normality. More often than not I give compassion to the non-Christian. I also give compassion to the Christian that will admit they do wrong, be open about their mistakes, and genuinely try to improve. But for those Christians who do not grow and ignore their sin… I have trouble giving them compassion. I get angry because I feel they affect the way I am perceived by non-Christians and screw up the chances I may have in helping someone to know Christ and the amazing love he gives. In talking with one person about this problem I got the response that I am judging my fellow Christian and it’s not my job to do so. I disagree with this idea. The Lord clearly says that you will be able to tell a Christian by their fruit. I will hold people to their good or bad fruit. Period. And I don’t believe that to be judging. I just need to learn to share those views with compassion and love for that person. In talking with a second partly about my outlook I got the response that I am picking and choosing who to give compassion to and that is not fair. The Lord does not do that and neither should I. The Lord has compassion for everyone. Even those who have wronged him and will not get to spend eternity with him… he still loves them and has compassion for them. The fact that I disagree with hypocrite’s actions is not the problem. I need to remember that I am no better. Also, realize that having love and compassion does NOT mean I can’t tell them what the scriptures have to say about their actions. Jesus was quite blunt and up front with the Pharisees. Anyway, that’s some of the latest thoughts. ☺

Boxing with Satan

This first year of college has been the hardest thing I have yet to encounter in my young life. Making friends was something I thought I could handle, but apparently its harder than I expected. I think a large part of it is Satan wanting me to believe I'm alone, because I've made friends but I often feel like I don't have close friends that understand me. Once Satan gets his foot in the door by making me believe I'm alone he starts to work on my self-esteem. He does his very best to convince me that I am of no worth at all and that I will be alone for the rest of my life. But it's all a lie! He wants to keep me from serving and worshiping the Lord. I am determined to not let the devil have his way. I'm up for the fight. Round one may not have been what I thought it was going to be. And round two I'm struggling to breath. I may be knocked down and so bruised. But I'm here to tell you...I MAY BE KNOCKED DOWN BUT NOT FOR THE COUNT. I'll come out swinging. I'm telling you now, I'm not going to lose this. He's messing me up, but I'm still here. I am not defeated, though you cannot see it, I have never won a battle on my own. The GOD ALMIGHTY is on my side!

Compare Game

Lately I have found myself playing the compare game. Some girls just have such unique styles. Earthy, sporty, classy, vintage, girly, indie… whatever. I don’t feel like I have one and it bothers me sometimes. While I don’t really feel like sharing my whole story on how this has been occurring lately in my life… I am definitely willing to share my revelation God has given me about it.

“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” 1 Peter 3:3-4

Those “styles” that we all like so much… are worldly. Plain and simple. And what is of the world doesn’t matter. God looks at the heart.

The Bible tells of the time that Samuel was searching out Israel’s king with the guidance of the Lord. God had narrowed it down to Jesse’s sons (David’s father). When Samuel was meeting with Jesse’s son to pick the king he quickly laid eyes on Eliab because he was good looking, “But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”’ (1 Samuel 16:7)

So, yes, some man may pick another girl over because she carries a presence and style that is enjoyable and beautiful by earthly standards. But I love the Lord. And if that is not the most important, attractive, characteristic to him, then I deserve someone better. And the same goes for the MANY other girls who I know have struggled with self-esteem. God adores you. :D He loves you.

Rapha

There is two kinds of brokenness I want to talk about. 1) Holy brokenness 2) Worldly Brokenness

Holy Brokenness.

"Concerning the prophets:
My heart is broken within me;
all my bones tremble.
I am like a drunken man,
like a man overcome by wine,
because of the LORD
and his holy words."
- Jeremiah 23:9

When praying lately I have started to ask God to break my heart over the things his heart breaks for. He has answered that prayer and continues to every day. I ached and broke when that junior higher told me he didn't want to be christian because he wanted to have sex before he was married. I ached and hurt when I learned that a beautiful girl I see every week cuts herself. My body physically, spiritually, and mentally hurts when I realize that have yet again I have sinned against the one God that will always love me.
I hope I never become numb to that realization. I think we do sometimes, I think family is a great example of this. All day long we give our very best to our colleges, peers, and the rest of the world... but then when we return home, to the people who love us most... they get whatever is left. The stress, the frustration, the anger, the complaints... it's all taken out on the ones we love most. Why? Because we know that they will always love us. If we were to act that way to our classmates... we would quickly loose popularity. I think we often do the same to God. We know he will forgive us, so it doesn't always bother us as much as it should when we continue to make the same mistake over and over. We can't let that become an excuse to become hard-hearted or to sin more.

Wordly Brokenness.

The world breaks me too, but not in a way that produces anything of value. It wears us down, it lies to us, and constantly tempts us without relent. The world tries to tell me that if that one mortal man doesn't want me... then that makes me less. How silly! God alone decides my worth!!! and he's already told us that we are worth more than pearls or rubies. But despite that reassurance we still ache don't we? It still hurts when a friend turns away from you. It still hurts to be rejected or ignored by a parent. There is hope though... God heals. He is Rapha. He is the healer.

"He sent forth his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave."- Psalm 107:20

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."-Psalm 147:3

"Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."-Psalm 103:2-5

Let him heal you. :)

Monster

"When I am a monster,
You never wince,
When you look at me.
When I am a freak, you never stare.
When I am a leper,
You never say unclean,
And when I am lost,
You come and get me free."
-Monster By The Almost

He knows all my terrible thoughts.
He knows my every sin.
He watches as I stubbornly take the wrong path.
He hears every complaint.
He knows it all. And he loves me.
More than anyone else ever will or could ever be capable of.
He is the Prince of Peace, Abba, Hessed, Savior, Creator, Lord, and God...
and he loved me first.
He knit me together in my mothers womb,
he wanted me to have blue eyes, brown frizzy curly hair, and pale skin.
He thinks I'm gorgeous.
All the battles I encounter are fought for me, by HIM.
Strengthening my feeble frame he shows me the way.
My heart is broken but he holds it together with is unfailing love.
My Savior.
My Creator.
My God.
He is always there for me.
He keeps his every promise.
I need him.
True love.
More than boy and girl love… a creator and creation love!
Agape love.
In Jesus alone my atonement is known.
I am an instrument of the living God.
So, Lord, hear the song of my life and let it be a sweet sound to you.
You are more than enough.
I have found the love that completes me.
And it comes from El Shaddai.