Favorites

 
When getting to know people it’s a common tactic to ask what favorites are. A majority of the time this doesn’t sit well with me. I just struggle to answer. I’ve been throwing the idea around and want work out some possible reasons. At some point I bet you'll be thinking I'm over analyzing this far too much (which is something I regularly get ragged on for by those closest to me). I know that when I'm asked what my favorite band or artist is people are not usually thinking all that I'll be dissecting and I won't say that I am all the time but it's not rare either. Even if we don't blatantly think about it, it's there.

At first, I thought maybe it was a mix of two things: insecurity and indecisiveness. I'm generally independent. I even prefer to go against the grain most of the time. There are times though that I know what I like most but because I fear that thing being discredited I decided not to share. Now THAT annoys me and I could easily dig into what that says about me and my struggles for awhile. I acknowledge that people's opinion shouldn't define not only how I feel about something but also the matter at hand in general. It's only one humble person's opinion. But it's interesting how in the moment that person's opinion can mean quite a bit, even if you don't know them well. The second part: indecisiveness. I simply can't choose. This can be because I know a lot or am passionate about the category so it's just too hard to pick one. On the other hand, I feel at times that I don't know enough about the subject to make a decision (these two things can even happen at the same time). For instance, music... like many, I love music and am passionate about it but there's so many kinds that I like and each kind may fit a certain situation or mood. You can't compare those things. There's also so much more to learn! There's so much music I haven't discovered or acquired a taste for yet that could be the next possible favorite.

While my first thought process of why favorites bother me is still true, I think what bothers me most is the desire people have to label and quickly judge whether they will get along with you or not based on favorites (and other inferences). Having things in common is important for relationships but surely we can train ourselves to appreciate and even admire the differences rather than let them be off putting. We try to size up personalities as quickly as possible and place people in categories so we can figure them out and know what to expect. I do it to, I'm not a girly girl and when I meet some chick that tells me her favorite color is pink I fight the desire to turn up my nose. I'm not as petty as to walk away right then of course but I've already started to build a theory on who this person is and what direction our encounter is headed in. Knowing that people tend to do that, I don't want to be pinned down so easily. I want you to have to spend time with me and invest before you get have me partially figured out. I also want to be free to change my mind. People love to grab on to favorites and hold you to them. They figure out what you like and then have a tendency to go numb to your change and growth. This happens in small and big ways. They repeatedly talk to you about an album you once listened to constantly years ago but now have burnt yourself out on. They figure out your favorite color and buy you things in only that color. For a more serious example, at times it is for me to go back to my hometown because people hold me to the person I was growing up and in high school. I've grown and changed so much since then and for the better! But when you are surrounded by those expectations it's hard to not subconsciously fulfill them.

There's a temptation to put our identity into favorites. Who are we and what are we about? While I treasure the creativity and variety of personalities along with our likes and dislikes... we need to be weary of letting those things define us. These material favorites should not be idols. There's something so much more glorious in life to be all about than style, a certain persona, sports, career, recreation or even music. We also shouldn't be so lifeless as to let others decide what we like, don't be a backless chameleon. Be honest with yourself and find what you enjoy.

In order to stretch myself, I'm going to list some favorites. 

Color: Green

Season: Fall

Classic art: The Rape of Proserpina by Bernini and Lacoon & His Sons by nobody knows

Sport: Rock climbing

Fruit: Blueberries

Physical feature of myself: My curly hair

Herb: Basil

Book of the Bible: Ephesians

Book series: Harry Potter

Person: Jesus

He is God and There is No Other

I think I have written here before about how college involves so much change. It's been hard to adjust too.... but now I think while I still struggle with the emotions that come because of change I'm slightly addicted to it.

Lately I've been thinking about my role among my friends and peers... as a queen for a social club, among my roommates, in a group of rock climbers, as a student. I'm one of the old queens now and it feels weird to be on the outs. I'm not invited to hang out as much, the guys I'm really close to have dwindled because they have graduated, gotten girlfriends, or just aren't active. I'm not complaining, I know it's just how things go... but it's hard to let go of. My roommates are absolutely amazing, I love them all. All of them but one is graduated though and that one is graduating in May and then moving off to grad school. They are all either moving on to grad school in May or in search of something that will most likely lead them away from me. Once again, not complaining, I'm so excited for their new opportunities and that they are following the Lord's will for their lives. It's so hard to let them go though, I want them to stay here with me. I'll be a fifth year senior but I feel as though I'm graduating simply because of the amount of change. I haven't climbed in nearly 3 months. That's the longest I've gone since I was a freshman. This one I AM complaining about. ha I'm not completely sure why but the group of climbers has changed and while I love climbing simply for climbing I also was drawn so much to the community that I had there.

Anyway, enough explaining about all the change and on to some sort of point. Encountering
 this change causes me to get scared sometimes. It's a very lonely feeling mixed with nostalgia. But then, it hits me, a lot like it did almost 4 years ago at the end of my freshman year when I wrote Adventures with my Lord and Savior, it's Jesus and I. The Lord is never changing and I'm on this adventure of life primarily with Him... and that is so fantastic. All the people in my life that I love so much are so important to me and I'm thankful for the opportunity to grow with them and fellowship with them and see Jesus in them. Ultimately though, people will come and go... and even those who stay around will fail me sometimes but the Lord has captivated me, I'm on this escapade with him and I am exhilarated by that. The memorable moments I've experienced the last four years I will always hold dear and even miss them ... I have this desire to sit here and tell you ALL about them because I love them that much. What gives me peace is there is more to come and even some better ones to come! How freaking exciting! :D This is where I get hooked. The change, just like the other struggles in life, bring me back to a sharp focus on the Lord and my purpose. His hope is an anchor for my soul. He is faithful. He loves. This life isn't about me or my happiness, it's about Him and as I keep along in that he takes care of any needs I have. Mercy tore the curtain. We walk the God Almighty and there is no other.

The Parable of the Ten Virgins

Where to start? So many lessons and emotions have been flooding my life in the past month or so. Leading up to New Years I had time of renewal and revelation at Onething in Kansas City. Then things quickly plummeted when I had a conversation with family that hurt more than much else I've experienced and within days it was countered with complete truth and healing encouragement. The Lord has continued to erratically pour out that truth and encouragement right when I need it. All of this after the struggle I've addressed in my last couple posts... recovering from my disgrace of falling so far; months of losing a battle with sin that has tainted so many relationships I must face daily, which brings reoccurring pain of it all. It's left me with so many questions and so I've been searching.

I want to put into my own words a scriptural commentary on The Parable of the Ten Virgins in Matthew 25 that I recently read by Misty Edwards. First go read the parable. Of course I'd read this parable before but I guess I thought the 5 virgins that didn't get into the marriage feast were unbelievers or at least hypocrites. This is where Misty opened up some things for me. Notice that the 10 women are virgins and they are all waiting on the bridegroom. They are obviously all believers, why would an unbeliever be described as a virgin and on top of that why would someone who didn't love the bridegroom be waiting on the Him? This completely shakes up the parable. Because then the question is what is the oil? This fuel is what kept the 5 from not being able to get in. Before I even read what Misty had to say it was, I knew. The Holy Spirit. So many passionate Christians burn out somewhere along the way and it's all because they loose that intimate connection with the Holy Spirit that comes from staying focused on Jesus. I love that Misty points out that everyone sleeps, not just the foolish. In this context sleep is not a bad thing, it's the routine of life... we all gotta do it sometimes. There is a delay in the bridegrooms coming and we must keep our hearts flowing in the Holy Spirit for "what we do with our hearts in this delay defines wisdom and folly."

This speaks to me so much, especially as of late. I got so preoccupied with what impact I was making for the Lord that I began to backslide and it escalated farther than I ever anticipated because I thought I was in "it". As soon as we get more concerned about our impact rather than concerned with Jesus Himself, we have become foolish. Making the impact truly comes when we are overflowing from encountering Jesus. SO... with that being the case, I pray:

I want more of You. You know what I long for, Lord; You hear my every sigh. My heart beats wildly, my strength fails, and I am going blind from my sin and the lies of Satan. Invite me in. Invite me into the garden, into Your heart, into the depths of who you are. I long for an eternal perspective, Hessed. Forgive me, Father, for getting more pleasure out of these earthly things. Focus my mind on the pleasures of Heaven... on the pleasures of your Holy Spirit. Reveal to me more and more. On You I wait. I know that I can only be satisfied when satisfying You. So teach me how. My hands are open has I climb this mountain. Take it all. Come Holy Spirit, come. How far will you let me go? How abandon will You let me be? Awake my soul and bound it to You... for it wonders. Captivate me and may I come to understand further how much You are captivated by me. Set a fire down in my soul, that I can't contain or control. Come be the fire inside of me. Guide my heart until You and I are one. This earth will fade away, but You, oh God, are forever. In the precious name of Jesus, Amen.

Something worse than guilt

This is a follow up or I guess a sequel to my last post about having no excuse. I think I have the flu and my head has been really foggy all day, so we'll see how capable I am at writing and organizing my thoughts. I need to organize all those feelings and thoughts though and let some things out in a more appropriate way than making myself more vulnerable to certain people. Anyway, here we go.

In my last post I talked about a struggle I've had for as long as I can remember and the excuses I made for myself. I focused on an amazing sermon by Dr. Youngblood that convicted and empowered me in and through my guilt. I've "messed up" again and fallen in my sin and this same struggle. I have different feelings than guilt this time and that's what I'd like to sort out.

Guilt is still present, but it's not nearly as potent. At first I thought this meant I was becoming numb, which scared me, but now I think that perhaps other lies of Satan are taking it's place. Falling AGAIN to this sin has made me feel hopeless, like I've in some way lost some of my worth, and that I am completely inadequate of calling myself a woman of God. I know that at the core we are ALL inadequate and in needing of salvation... but I guess I feel like I've crossed some stronghold from a woman who, while still making mistakes, honestly pursued righteousness and the Lord in everything to a woman who still loves the Lord but is so caught up in the lies of the world and the flesh that there is no truth or righteousness that pours from her. My manner of life has not been worthy of the gospel of Christ. I listened to my flesh and took a bit of deception and now I'm sick because my spirit that longs for the Lord can't digest it. I am "no longer the woman who walks in the confidence of ultimate artistic design." Submit my name change, we'll call me... compromise. But that's not me!!! I am not her, cause I'm called to be so much more. I love the Lord so much. I am a woman of a different status.

When I talked to a friend the day after I fell, I explained a frustration with the Lord. A few days leading up to my "transgression" I felt it coming. I prayed about it and spent time in the word, trying to combat it and keep it from happening. Hours before hand I cried out to him asking him to save me from it and help me focus on him. It happened anyway though and I was a bitter the next day because in my mind I'd tried and asked the Lord to step in and he didn't. My friend told me that one thing she has learned is that God will never step in and make a decision for us... even when we ask him to. What kind of God would he be if he did? Just because I gave my life to him doesn't mean I've lost my freewill. I still have to choose what I want and he will always give me what "I want". While I had been filling myself with the word, praying and trying to remember that what I truly want is the Lord's way... I had also been thinking about how much I "wanted" that sin. His desires must become my desires. My life in all aspects must be in line with those desires... my friendships, my dreams, my joys, my sorrows, my day to day actions.

I've also been learning a lot about grace and how motivating it is when we truly understand it. Grace. It has nothing to do with me. Just as I had nothing to do with being born a sinner, I'll have nothing to do with being saved except receiving it. "Grace is not the freedom to sin. It is the power to live a holy life." - Titus 2:11-12 I am not capable of being righteous, his grace makes me so. I've learned I am far from truly understanding this grace... it's lead me to ask the Lord to reveal to me what grace I need to accept and what accepting it in my life looks like. While I've always known salvation had nothing to do with me I still felt that I had some working resume that I had to give to the Lord.

"You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering. The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God." - Psalm 51:16-17

This broken and repentant heart is essential. Never let your heart become calloused. For without a tender heart and sensitive attentive spirit, no one can see God. Without these, holiness will never be attained. The value of my salvation I must always comprehend!!! For I am a fool if I do not discern the value and cast aside the ultimate gift. Because of this I have come to love my guilt and accept the love, grace, and mercy he offers me.

Each day I must wake and say, "Today is yours, Lord. May my perspective be an eternal one and my desires echo yours."

No excuse

The Lord is rocking my world today.

I've struggled with one specific sin for a very long time. As I've grown older and stronger in the Lord I've given in to it less but still struggled with it the same. I'd accepted it as my struggle, something that I would probably deal with my entire life. I thought that if I could just make it a rare occurrence then that would be enough for the Lord. Last night I gave in again, big time. And the result was horrific. I laid in bed sick, wanting to puke because I was so disgusted with myself... overcome with guilt. My guilt was magnified because I'd seen it all coming and part of me didn't want to keep myself from it. I woke up this morning feeling the weight like a ton of bricks. Luckily, I have an amazing roommate, Claire, who knows my struggle and I feel completely comfortable pouring out to her. I immediately confessed to her and cried as I told her how tired I am of fighting the flesh. I just want to go home and be done with it. I'm sick of failing and giving in and fighting it off every freakin day. With inadequate words I did my best to explain my feeling of guilt to her... but she knows my heart and understood despite my deficient communication.

My heart felt a bit lighter. We made blueberry pancakes and slowly got ready for church... and throughout the morning I would just start crying as my guilt hit me again. As we arrived to Covenant for service I had NO IDEA what the Lord was about to do. Dr. Kevin Youngblood has been leading a series at Covenant the past few weeks about the Holy Spirit. I think every time he speaks I have "ahhh" moment. ha But today, oh today, it was for me. The Lord spoke straight to me today. I have been doubting that I can overcome my flesh. We're human right? We're gonna make mistakes. No.

I know what you're thinking. No? We can't be perfect. It's impossible. And I know that. But hear me out. Dr. Youngblood spoke about how Jesus had to remove his physical body from the earth so he could live IN us and so we could be the body of Christ. We are the ongoing incarnation of Christ! The church suffers from an inferiority complex. Once we got here, I was crying as I took notes. I cry often while worshiping but I can't think of a time that a sermon brought me to tears. Paul says that the Church is the fullness of Him that fills everything else. But I sure don't feel like that sometimes. It's that mysterious collusion of the divine and humanity. Luke insists throughout his writing that Jesus did all he did by the power of the Spirit and EVERYTHING that Jesus had he is giving to us. How did Jesus overcome the temptation of Satan in the desert? Scripture and the Spirit. God gives us his Spirit without measure! The question is not: how much of the Spirit do I have? But rather: how much of ME does the Spirit have? When we fall short it's because we have not surrendered fully to the Spirit. We as believers have no excuse to fall into temptation again. We house the Spirit. Did ya get that? The HOLY SPIRIT! He will not give us anything he hasn't equipped us to handle.

It's possible. With the Spirit I can overcome. This morning the Lord smacked me saying that I have no excuse but also gave me so much love and forgiveness and hope in that His Spirit lives in me and will never leave me dry. At the end of service, during the announcements, I turned to Claire and just our eye contact made me tear up again. She smiled and said, "That was the Lord telling you that you can do it." I started crying again and started to explain how much I love the Lord. And she quickly told me He doesn't doubt it and neither does she. Which was perfect because I get so scared that my sin shows some major flaw in my love for the Lord. He love me so much and He knows that I love him.
He's given me the tools to overcome.
He's given me forgiveness when I am completely unworthy.
What an amazing God we serve.

Nashville Summer

I'm so giddy as I sit down to right this post. :D This summer was amazing and I have so much to share. I won't get around to it all, but I'll share what comes to me and if you're curious to hear more and swap stories then we should have a coffee date. Just as I'd had intentions to blog about my experience in Italy more, I had planned to blog more about my 3 months in Nashville, TN. I was busy of course but the biggest part, I think, is because as the summer came to an end I began to get a bigger picture of it all. I learned so much this summer. As of late, when people ask about it I say: Worst summer of my life so far... but also the best! It's awesome how the Lord does that. I often attended a church in Brentwood with the friend I was staying with and her family. My last Sunday there in the college class we ended up talking about "mountain top experiences". I was delighted when a young man across the room started to come to the same conclusion as me: The valleys or low points in our faith are essential to the mountain top and therefore you can't really separate them. I know for me, I feel closest to the Lord in the valley and that's when He reveals things to me and I end up being blown away by his love, grace, wisdom, and faithfulness. It's these moments that change my perspective, change my faith for the better and allow me to grow a little bit closer to the Christ-like woman he has created me to be.

Why was in Nashville? Pretty simple: After studying abroad in the Spring I knew going home for the summer would be hard to swallow so I started applying for jobs all over the U.S. (specifically ones that involved rock climbing). The one that worked out best with my other plans this summer and living arrangements was working at Climb Nashville School of Climbing in Nashville, TN. I lived with my friend Mary Kate and her family. After being there a couple weeks, I decided I wasn't going to be getting enough hours at the rock climbing gym, so I got a job as a waitress at a Mexican restaurant and bar called Chago's.

I knew going in to this sumer that I was putting myself in position where I would not know many people. But to the extent that I found myself alone with all new people in my life was much more than I'd really considered. Mary Kate is delightful, but our jobs and her schooling kept us from seeing each other much. I had also planned to spend time with a sweet girl named Amanda who I went to Italy with, not sure why... but it didn't happen more than once. My two closest friends from college were taking classes and/or working this summer so we didn't talk on a regular basis. I mean, when things got really rough they were always there for me to call, but it's different than having someone there with you. And to boot, I lost a wonderful friendship at the beginning of the summer. Time to just make new friendships, right? Well, that's what I did, but nearly all of them are unbelievers or they claim to know the Lord but Christianity is just a religion that they can claim rather than actual relationship.

This was all new to me. I grew up in a Christian home and in church. I had a hard time with loneliness and depression my freshman year of college but I was at a Christian college where people for the most part were very nice and almost never pressured me to go out and get wasted or smoke pot. In Nashville, I had very little support in my faith. It sucked. But God used it to make the summer extremely awesome. I got through with the Lord. In the past, when I have struggled with loneliness fellow Christians have told me that friendships are important and intended by God to bring fulfillment and joy to our lives. While I do think that is true, I also now fully know that I am completely good with only Jesus and I. The body of Christ is something I should be apart of if possible, but when it comes down to it, all I need is Jesus and He will get me through anything. That's so easy to say and I totally would have said it before this summer but now I know it to be true from experience. And THAT, my friends, is freaking awesome.

When I first met all the unbelievers at my two jobs my immediate reaction was to create a game plan. How do I plan to reveal my faith to these people in a way that will give the highest probability of them coming to salvation. Still being in the bible belt, most of them know something about Christianity but it is usually not positive and tied to many hypocrites. I decided that I'd not hide my faith but keep in on the down low and maybe if they came to like me they would be more open to the idea of God's love for them. (Typing all this out makes it seem a whole lot more ridiculous than it seemed in my mind at the time haha).

The summer flew by and I ended up not saying much about my love for the Lord at all. If people asked I didn't hold back on pouring out my heart... but not many asked. I did my best to love my co-workers with the love of the Lord and be different. With three weeks remaining I started to have a break down. I was worshiping on a Monday night at wonderful church called Grace Center in Franklin when I, not for the first time, was crying out to God asking why in the world He sent me to Nashville. What was my purpose here? I had such good intentions at the beginning, now it was almost over and I felt like I'd done nothing. I did not feel much different from the unbelievers. I failed so much. And they were such nice and loving people. That's when the Lord began to really speak to me. He started by revealing to me the work he had been doing IN me. He had been working on my perspective of the world and unbelievers. Like I explained before, He taught me to be satisfied with His presence alone. This brought me some peace but I was still frustrated. Sure I was learning but I had come to really love these unbelievers. What about them?! Why couldn't He use my time here to reveal Himself to these new friends of mine? Over the next few weeks He gave me some marvelous opportunities to share what I'd been given and I took them. Afterwards though I felt like He'd given them more to make me happy than to really have an impact on souls. I had peace about it all but I still didn't understand.

I said goodbye to my friends with such pain in my heart. Not only am I going to miss them immensely but I feel like my work isn't done because they don't know Jesus yet. I know that sounds silly, but I ache so much for the hurt I see in their lives... my heart is so involved that I began to take their salvation as my responsibility. Even now, I'm crying as I attempt to find the words to explain all this.

On the 9 hour drive home I listened to a sermon by Louie Giglio called Grace Moved the Stone. It was from God. Louie explained that before I even arrive, God has already done all the work for me. All I have to do is show up... in any circumstance and any place. What shocking freedom! The kingdom of grace. God isn't asking me to raise Jesus from the dead, defeat the enemy, build up anything, save anyone... I just have to show up. HE does the work because it's HIS glory that I'm "working" for. But that work I do is just a matter of opening myself up and sharing what He's given me and continuing in my relationship with Him. "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." - James 1:27 God is working in my life, your life, and the lives of my unbelieving friends. It also made me feel better to hear a pastor that I look up to say that he had the same mentality about how to open up a sermon as I did about coming to Nashville and sharing Jesus with unbelievers. We get so focused on how to go about it and we try to do it ourselves. God's already done all the work though, I just have to open up and let it happen. I can walk into any situation knowing that the stone is already moved away, HE DOES THE WORK! I don't have to stress because my friends don't get it. I will continue to pray for them and God will continue to work... whether it be through me or someone else. It's also comforting to know that He knows that I'm not even capable of doing what little he's called me to, so he's given us the Holy Spirit to strengthen and guide us in doing the great commission!! HALLELUJAH! 

I'll wrap up by simply saying God is good. He is more than enough. If we seek, we will find. I hope this entry encourages you to move through the rough times in life with joy and with the knowledge that the Holy Spirit is with you and will provide everything you need. I have found joy in my struggle. To the point now where I would rather be challenged because that's when I lean on the Lord the most... that's when I learn and grow.

“When I understand that everything happening to me is to make me more Christlike, it solves a great deal of anxiety.”

—	A.W. Tozer

Provence

I sat at Provence Breads and Cafe today for a few hours. It’s a lovely coffee shop and bakery on 21st on what my friend Asafe calls “hipster lane”. The store is painted in warm oranges and yellows. The dessert and bread displays reminded me of Italy. And it was much quieter than the coffee shop across the street called Fido’s that I go to often. I had some Jesus time. Read some Game of Thrones. Enjoyed plum & ginger iced tea and a bowl of tomato basil soup. It was really soothing, some of my favorite times here in Nashville have been enjoying simple moments like that in the coffee shops that I find. I also did a lot of staring out at the street as I thought about whatever it was that came. I thought I’d share one particular train of thought that I had:

I’ve noticed lately that it is common for us to fall in love with the idea of falling in love rather than the actual person. Then it becomes a selfish ambition to please ourselves and be satisfied… it’s even possible to lose sight of who the other person is (their likes, dislikes, desires, what they struggle with, ect). We end up hurting not only them but ourselves. The whole ordeal ends up looking nothing like the unconditional self-less love that we really desire and get real satisfaction from. A love with God at the head and a deep  resolve to serve and satisfy not yourself but the other person.