Fix your eyes on Jesus

I woke up this morning with a very heavy heart. The house was really quiet and I was thankful. As I began to spend time with the Lord he reminded me of several things:

You are not alone.

"Joyful are those who obey his laws and search for him with all their hearts." -Psalm 119:2 In my struggle to be joyful sometimes I just end up searching for exactly that: joy in the Lord. Which sounds good, but really I must search HIM and search to obey his laws... and then the joy will come.

I long to be loved. To belong. I belong to HIM and he truly loves me. I've desired earthly love and romance, the past couple days especially. But this morning I'm reminded that my perfect romance with the Lord is all that really matters. He loves me better and more fully than anyone else on this earth ever could. And one day, according to his timing and will, he may decided to continue to reveal that love to me through a man.

Be the change! I get so frustrated with the selfish and materialistic culture we're surrounded by. But I have no power to directly change that, so I must change those areas in me. I must be a selfless friend, daughter, sister, co-worker, and Christian.

"And is is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him. " -Hebrews 11:6 I've had some trouble trusting friends and other people in my life lately and it has started to leak in to my trust of the Lord. I must have faith. I must trust Him. Because he is faithful and it is impossible for me to please him like I desire without doing so.

The Hunger Games

I've just finished reading The Hunger Games. I have some thoughts to share. Keep in mind I've only read the first so I don't know where the next two books are headed.

I guess first and foremost it's obviously a page turner. Between the intriguing setting, tense adventure of the hunger game and the romantic aspect it's hard to put the book down and therefore a good book. I absolutely love the general plot that involves The Capital and the games. It's interesting and has good depth.

The characters are fairly well developed, I have some critiques about that topic but I think I'll hold off for the most part until I've read the other two books to see how they continue to develop and who is focused on. But a few comments: I'm hoping on some more focus on Katniss' mother. I'm worried that Katniss is too hard-hearted for my tastes... I love it too a certain extent... but how she handles Peeta at the end makes me nervous. Her hunting skills and overall tough skin is something that is clearly awesome. I do like the development along the way of Haymitch and his relationship with Katniss.

I do have a critique about the love story that I think is fair to mention before I read the rest of the books. I'm disappointed that there is such a focus on the love story by the end of the first book, especially a love triangle. Maybe the Twilight love triangle has just left a bad taste in my mouth. If I hear any Team Peeta or Team Gala crap I'm gonna be super annoyed, because The Hunger Games has depth and an amazing plot that can't even compare to Twilight. Or maybe it's my own emotions... the affect of my own love life making me bitter or the fact that I get emotionally involved in just about every book I read and movie I watch. I understand that my emotions are not really fair to judge a book by but I've never been a fan of any love story where someone is bound to be forever heartbroken. So don't get me wrong, I'm not against there being a love story intertwined. I would just rather the focus be on overcoming The Capital. I am way more interested in a riveting story about people bonding together to overcome evil with a love story nicely worked in rather than a stupid love triangle that is portrayed in a way that results in me loving all three characters involved.

I love Rue and her part in the story. I love her talents and relationship with Katniss. Her death caused me to get teary eyed. The song and dedication of flowers on Katniss' part is absolutely amazing. There's not much I have to say other than it's great.

Another character I enjoyed: Foxface. I like the sneaky and witty, she brings some good diversity to the tribute group. The way she died was something I didn't see coming.

I can't decide if Katniss narrating the story is something I like or not. It lead to me being almost positive she would survive... which means I was pretty positive she would win the hunger game and that takes away a the surprise. Now, whether that surprise is something I really wanted or not... I don't know.

Another thumbs up: the berries. A slap in the face to The Capital. Such a marvelously potent and creative occurrence.

Alright, well.... I'll leave it at that for now. :) Tomorrow? Reading Catching Fire.

Thankful for Struggle

I keep thinking of the many struggles I've endured this semester as a flaw in my life. I've seen it as sin. I've been in this dark hole that I haven't seemed to be able to dig myself out of. Just to name a few: depression, low self-esteem, bitterness, worry, loneliness, selfishness, lust, and idolatry. But now, as I finally seem to have come out of the fog... I'm viewing it all differently. Struggle is a blessing. An easy going, fun, simple semester does not challenge me or bring me any closer to the Lord. Granted, much of my struggle has to do with sin and that sin is definitely not good. It would have been wonderful if I could have endured the struggles this semester and not fallen into many of those sins listed above. But I've learned from it. Humbled and blessed. I trust in a loving sovereign God who is guiding my story. I've asked Him to teach me to love Him like He desires for me to love him. He's shaping my character and has purpose in all things.

"Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O LORD,
   and whom you teach out of your law" - Psalm 94:12


"And the LORD will guide you continually
   and satisfy your desire in scorched places
   and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
   like a spring of water,
   whose waters do not fail." - Isaiah 58:11


I love Oswald Chambers and would highly recommend his book, My Utmost for His Highest. Here are some quotes from that book that have really seemed to apply to my situations lately: 


"If we do a thing in order to overcome depression, we deepen the depression; but if the Spirit of God makes us feel intuitively that we must do the thing; and we do it, the depression is gone. Immediately we rise and obey, we enter on a higher plane of life."


"If we are inspired by God, what is the next thing? To trust Him absolutely and to pray on the ground of His Redemption. Never let the sense of failure corrupt your new action." 


"Get into the habit of saying, "Speak, Lord," and life will become a romance. Every time circumstances press, say, "Speak, Lord"; make time to listen."


"By receiving His Spirit, recognizing and relying on Him, and obeying Him as He brings the word of God, life will become amazingly simple."


"Whenever we are obstinate and self-willed and set upon our own ambitions, we are hurting Jesus."


"The severest discipline of a Christian's life is to learn how to keep reflecting "the Lord's glory.""


"The majority of us have no ear for anything but ourselves, we cannot hear a thing God says."


"We have to get rid of the idea that we understand ourselves, it is the last conceit to go. The only One Who understands us is God. The greatest curse in spiritual life is conceit."

Love your neighbor

So I haven't blogged in a long while. I've been in a pit of loneliness, depression, and frustration. I could blog about that and how I'm coming out of it... but I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself so that isn't the topic. The concern is instead something that hit me about a week and half ago. Loving each other... and especially in this instance our brothers and sisters in Christ who are "harder to love".

I have two particular people in mind. One is a wonderful young man who is often searching for attention and usually has no filter for what he says or does. He's made his fair share of mistakes. The second his a fiery woman who is not afraid to be different, in fact... she is usually trying to be different. She says creative, out there things that most would never conceive of. "Crazy" is often used to describe her, either lovingly or negatively.

Before I explain my frustration with how people treat them, I want to explain how much love the Lord has given me for these two individuals. Not because I'm better, I'm not here to brag. I've asked for love and he's given it. Through all the crap I've been through this semester these two have loved and cared for me in ways many others have not. This young man has such a big heart! He's always ready to take care of me and almost never assumes that I have plans or don't need him. I love that. This beautiful woman has brightened my life with her creativity and poured out her heart to me. Despite the hurt she's experienced, she has willing loved me without much prompting at all. On top of that, she'll instantly tell you it's because of the Lord! God has revealed to me how wonderful these people are and how he can work through anyone and anything.

My frustration: It's obvious I'm trying to avoid implying who these people are and so therefore I can't explain specific instances of my frustration. But in a nutshell.

First individual: the majority of his friends and brothers in Christ treat him poorly by not taking him serious, having little patience, and hatefully calling him out in front of big groups of people. It makes me want to get up scream "HE IS YOUR BROTHER! THE LORD LOVES HIM!" Do you know why he is the way he is? Have you asked? Do you care? Yes, he's messed up a lot... but that gives him the perspective to love all those who've done the same. There's a moment in the gospels when Jesus rebukes the Pharisees for the way they treat an "unclean" woman who comes to Jesus. He says this, "her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little."

Second individual: Before I really met her I had multiple friends tell me she was crazy. Thankfully, I didn't let that keep me from getting to know her. But I wonder who have let it change their minds. And that irritates me so much! She has so much to give! Her love for the Lord is growing day after day and her fellow Christians write her off as crazy. Just as before, there are reasons for who she is... yet most of us are too wrapped up in our own selfish problems to see that.

My heart breaks that we treat each other in such judgmental ways. We can become so one-way minded of what's acceptable. I pray daily for the Lord to open my mind and allow me to love people as he loves them... for me to be able to see them as he sees them, with ultimate forgiveness.

"Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself." -Matthew 22:37-39

New fear

Satan has afflicted me with a new fear over the past few months. There aren't very many things I'm seriously afraid of.
I trust the Lord, there is nothing to fear but Him. Even then, love triumphs fear.

I might be scarred of pain sometimes, physical or emotional, but He always brings me through. It also tends to make me stronger or teach me something. Worry will sometimes get the best of me, but when I slow down, I know He is in control and it'll be alright. I've even overcome the fear of loneliness. While it's can sometimes seem overpowering, all I need is Him and He'll fill me.

This though... this seems different. I have no control over this and to some extent, neither does the Lord. It is in the freewill of another. It has everything to do with me and could completely change and damage something very precious and amazing. I pray fervently.

our skewed vision

my friend payton wrote this on his blog a little over a week ago. I like it. a lot. so I thought I'd give him a re-post. :)

And here is a link to his blog.

a few years ago, i had a late night conversation with one of my friends about temptations and the disputes that we have with one another. she mentioned to me that “far too often, we focus on what we don’t agree with rather than what we do believe.” i find it very interesting the things that we put our focus on. in a recent study with friends we talked about the temptations that we face. another one of my friends mentioned that “sometimes we are so concerned about not committing a particular sin that we are still in its’ grasp because we still focus on it rather than what we should be doing instead.”

these two things have been on my mind lately. disputes we have with one another and the battle that we have within ourselves.

faith and belief are constantly being tried and shaped within each and every one of us. what do you believe? what do you stand for? who are you? all of these questions we may face in different ways on a regular basis. it is interesting to watch churches, i’ve become excited to observe different settings and how they deal with their conflict. in a particular situation, a church was divided because of a ‘business issue’ that in turn pulled their spirituality apart. small matters that had been dealt with for years became separating topics. we have so many different denominations that exist, different ways to worship, different flavors even, but why do we focus so often and put so much stock in earthly matters rather than eternal ones and allow those to separate us? it is important to believe particular things and stand by them, but it intrigues me how simple god is in the bible sometimes. love your god, love your neighbor. the greatest of these is love. do we get caught up in disputes and petty arguments that rip our relationships and churches apart from the inside out?

there is a raging battle inside us all. we all struggle. we are all imperfect, but the way that we deal with our sin and temptations is defining of our lives. my friend mentioned that we get caught up in trying to avoid our sin that we don’t focus on good things. i’m too busy worrying about lying to pick up my bible. i’m too ashamed of the movies that i watch to pray to god and ask for his guidance. i am convinced that satan plants such lies within us and devours our self-worth more than we even know. there is something incredible though, god’s love prevails over satan every single time, time and time again. nothing can separate us from the love of god. (romans 8:38-39) how incredible is that news! i am a mess up, a sinner continually trying to dig myself out of this mud pit, but god still wants to be in relationship with me. he wants to rescue me, always. we have to ask him to. i believe that god has the power and ability to intervene in any situation that he wants, but we are called to be in relationship with him.

we have to acknowledge that satan has skewed our vision. once we acknowledge that, we can equip ourselves to combat him and depend on god to be our guide through all the trials and struggles that we face. i didn’t say that it would always be easy, but with personal experience recently, i know that something has to change in me.

someone i truly respect said recently that he asks himself two questions each morning: who am i? and where am i going today? we have to quit defining ourselves by our past, by the mud that satan throws at us. we are creation of the most high king who loves us dearly and longs for us to be with him. i don’t know what you need most, maybe it’s scriptures written all over your wall, your phone, your car, your house. maybe you need someone to be dependent with and walk with god alongside, an accountable person you can trust and confide in. we have to quit buying into the lies that satan uses. don’t give up, don’t believe that god doesn’t love you anymore, don’t believe that god won’t use you in incredible ways for his kingdom. we have to get on our feet and finally live for our god in all that we do.

“since, then, you have been raised with christ, set your hearts on things above where christ is, seated at the right hand of god. set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. for you died, and your life is now hidden with christ in god. when christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.” - colossians 3:1-4