No excuse

The Lord is rocking my world today.

I've struggled with one specific sin for a very long time. As I've grown older and stronger in the Lord I've given in to it less but still struggled with it the same. I'd accepted it as my struggle, something that I would probably deal with my entire life. I thought that if I could just make it a rare occurrence then that would be enough for the Lord. Last night I gave in again, big time. And the result was horrific. I laid in bed sick, wanting to puke because I was so disgusted with myself... overcome with guilt. My guilt was magnified because I'd seen it all coming and part of me didn't want to keep myself from it. I woke up this morning feeling the weight like a ton of bricks. Luckily, I have an amazing roommate, Claire, who knows my struggle and I feel completely comfortable pouring out to her. I immediately confessed to her and cried as I told her how tired I am of fighting the flesh. I just want to go home and be done with it. I'm sick of failing and giving in and fighting it off every freakin day. With inadequate words I did my best to explain my feeling of guilt to her... but she knows my heart and understood despite my deficient communication.

My heart felt a bit lighter. We made blueberry pancakes and slowly got ready for church... and throughout the morning I would just start crying as my guilt hit me again. As we arrived to Covenant for service I had NO IDEA what the Lord was about to do. Dr. Kevin Youngblood has been leading a series at Covenant the past few weeks about the Holy Spirit. I think every time he speaks I have "ahhh" moment. ha But today, oh today, it was for me. The Lord spoke straight to me today. I have been doubting that I can overcome my flesh. We're human right? We're gonna make mistakes. No.

I know what you're thinking. No? We can't be perfect. It's impossible. And I know that. But hear me out. Dr. Youngblood spoke about how Jesus had to remove his physical body from the earth so he could live IN us and so we could be the body of Christ. We are the ongoing incarnation of Christ! The church suffers from an inferiority complex. Once we got here, I was crying as I took notes. I cry often while worshiping but I can't think of a time that a sermon brought me to tears. Paul says that the Church is the fullness of Him that fills everything else. But I sure don't feel like that sometimes. It's that mysterious collusion of the divine and humanity. Luke insists throughout his writing that Jesus did all he did by the power of the Spirit and EVERYTHING that Jesus had he is giving to us. How did Jesus overcome the temptation of Satan in the desert? Scripture and the Spirit. God gives us his Spirit without measure! The question is not: how much of the Spirit do I have? But rather: how much of ME does the Spirit have? When we fall short it's because we have not surrendered fully to the Spirit. We as believers have no excuse to fall into temptation again. We house the Spirit. Did ya get that? The HOLY SPIRIT! He will not give us anything he hasn't equipped us to handle.

It's possible. With the Spirit I can overcome. This morning the Lord smacked me saying that I have no excuse but also gave me so much love and forgiveness and hope in that His Spirit lives in me and will never leave me dry. At the end of service, during the announcements, I turned to Claire and just our eye contact made me tear up again. She smiled and said, "That was the Lord telling you that you can do it." I started crying again and started to explain how much I love the Lord. And she quickly told me He doesn't doubt it and neither does she. Which was perfect because I get so scared that my sin shows some major flaw in my love for the Lord. He love me so much and He knows that I love him.
He's given me the tools to overcome.
He's given me forgiveness when I am completely unworthy.
What an amazing God we serve.

Nashville Summer

I'm so giddy as I sit down to right this post. :D This summer was amazing and I have so much to share. I won't get around to it all, but I'll share what comes to me and if you're curious to hear more and swap stories then we should have a coffee date. Just as I'd had intentions to blog about my experience in Italy more, I had planned to blog more about my 3 months in Nashville, TN. I was busy of course but the biggest part, I think, is because as the summer came to an end I began to get a bigger picture of it all. I learned so much this summer. As of late, when people ask about it I say: Worst summer of my life so far... but also the best! It's awesome how the Lord does that. I often attended a church in Brentwood with the friend I was staying with and her family. My last Sunday there in the college class we ended up talking about "mountain top experiences". I was delighted when a young man across the room started to come to the same conclusion as me: The valleys or low points in our faith are essential to the mountain top and therefore you can't really separate them. I know for me, I feel closest to the Lord in the valley and that's when He reveals things to me and I end up being blown away by his love, grace, wisdom, and faithfulness. It's these moments that change my perspective, change my faith for the better and allow me to grow a little bit closer to the Christ-like woman he has created me to be.

Why was in Nashville? Pretty simple: After studying abroad in the Spring I knew going home for the summer would be hard to swallow so I started applying for jobs all over the U.S. (specifically ones that involved rock climbing). The one that worked out best with my other plans this summer and living arrangements was working at Climb Nashville School of Climbing in Nashville, TN. I lived with my friend Mary Kate and her family. After being there a couple weeks, I decided I wasn't going to be getting enough hours at the rock climbing gym, so I got a job as a waitress at a Mexican restaurant and bar called Chago's.

I knew going in to this sumer that I was putting myself in position where I would not know many people. But to the extent that I found myself alone with all new people in my life was much more than I'd really considered. Mary Kate is delightful, but our jobs and her schooling kept us from seeing each other much. I had also planned to spend time with a sweet girl named Amanda who I went to Italy with, not sure why... but it didn't happen more than once. My two closest friends from college were taking classes and/or working this summer so we didn't talk on a regular basis. I mean, when things got really rough they were always there for me to call, but it's different than having someone there with you. And to boot, I lost a wonderful friendship at the beginning of the summer. Time to just make new friendships, right? Well, that's what I did, but nearly all of them are unbelievers or they claim to know the Lord but Christianity is just a religion that they can claim rather than actual relationship.

This was all new to me. I grew up in a Christian home and in church. I had a hard time with loneliness and depression my freshman year of college but I was at a Christian college where people for the most part were very nice and almost never pressured me to go out and get wasted or smoke pot. In Nashville, I had very little support in my faith. It sucked. But God used it to make the summer extremely awesome. I got through with the Lord. In the past, when I have struggled with loneliness fellow Christians have told me that friendships are important and intended by God to bring fulfillment and joy to our lives. While I do think that is true, I also now fully know that I am completely good with only Jesus and I. The body of Christ is something I should be apart of if possible, but when it comes down to it, all I need is Jesus and He will get me through anything. That's so easy to say and I totally would have said it before this summer but now I know it to be true from experience. And THAT, my friends, is freaking awesome.

When I first met all the unbelievers at my two jobs my immediate reaction was to create a game plan. How do I plan to reveal my faith to these people in a way that will give the highest probability of them coming to salvation. Still being in the bible belt, most of them know something about Christianity but it is usually not positive and tied to many hypocrites. I decided that I'd not hide my faith but keep in on the down low and maybe if they came to like me they would be more open to the idea of God's love for them. (Typing all this out makes it seem a whole lot more ridiculous than it seemed in my mind at the time haha).

The summer flew by and I ended up not saying much about my love for the Lord at all. If people asked I didn't hold back on pouring out my heart... but not many asked. I did my best to love my co-workers with the love of the Lord and be different. With three weeks remaining I started to have a break down. I was worshiping on a Monday night at wonderful church called Grace Center in Franklin when I, not for the first time, was crying out to God asking why in the world He sent me to Nashville. What was my purpose here? I had such good intentions at the beginning, now it was almost over and I felt like I'd done nothing. I did not feel much different from the unbelievers. I failed so much. And they were such nice and loving people. That's when the Lord began to really speak to me. He started by revealing to me the work he had been doing IN me. He had been working on my perspective of the world and unbelievers. Like I explained before, He taught me to be satisfied with His presence alone. This brought me some peace but I was still frustrated. Sure I was learning but I had come to really love these unbelievers. What about them?! Why couldn't He use my time here to reveal Himself to these new friends of mine? Over the next few weeks He gave me some marvelous opportunities to share what I'd been given and I took them. Afterwards though I felt like He'd given them more to make me happy than to really have an impact on souls. I had peace about it all but I still didn't understand.

I said goodbye to my friends with such pain in my heart. Not only am I going to miss them immensely but I feel like my work isn't done because they don't know Jesus yet. I know that sounds silly, but I ache so much for the hurt I see in their lives... my heart is so involved that I began to take their salvation as my responsibility. Even now, I'm crying as I attempt to find the words to explain all this.

On the 9 hour drive home I listened to a sermon by Louie Giglio called Grace Moved the Stone. It was from God. Louie explained that before I even arrive, God has already done all the work for me. All I have to do is show up... in any circumstance and any place. What shocking freedom! The kingdom of grace. God isn't asking me to raise Jesus from the dead, defeat the enemy, build up anything, save anyone... I just have to show up. HE does the work because it's HIS glory that I'm "working" for. But that work I do is just a matter of opening myself up and sharing what He's given me and continuing in my relationship with Him. "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." - James 1:27 God is working in my life, your life, and the lives of my unbelieving friends. It also made me feel better to hear a pastor that I look up to say that he had the same mentality about how to open up a sermon as I did about coming to Nashville and sharing Jesus with unbelievers. We get so focused on how to go about it and we try to do it ourselves. God's already done all the work though, I just have to open up and let it happen. I can walk into any situation knowing that the stone is already moved away, HE DOES THE WORK! I don't have to stress because my friends don't get it. I will continue to pray for them and God will continue to work... whether it be through me or someone else. It's also comforting to know that He knows that I'm not even capable of doing what little he's called me to, so he's given us the Holy Spirit to strengthen and guide us in doing the great commission!! HALLELUJAH! 

I'll wrap up by simply saying God is good. He is more than enough. If we seek, we will find. I hope this entry encourages you to move through the rough times in life with joy and with the knowledge that the Holy Spirit is with you and will provide everything you need. I have found joy in my struggle. To the point now where I would rather be challenged because that's when I lean on the Lord the most... that's when I learn and grow.

“When I understand that everything happening to me is to make me more Christlike, it solves a great deal of anxiety.”

—	A.W. Tozer

Provence

I sat at Provence Breads and Cafe today for a few hours. It’s a lovely coffee shop and bakery on 21st on what my friend Asafe calls “hipster lane”. The store is painted in warm oranges and yellows. The dessert and bread displays reminded me of Italy. And it was much quieter than the coffee shop across the street called Fido’s that I go to often. I had some Jesus time. Read some Game of Thrones. Enjoyed plum & ginger iced tea and a bowl of tomato basil soup. It was really soothing, some of my favorite times here in Nashville have been enjoying simple moments like that in the coffee shops that I find. I also did a lot of staring out at the street as I thought about whatever it was that came. I thought I’d share one particular train of thought that I had:

I’ve noticed lately that it is common for us to fall in love with the idea of falling in love rather than the actual person. Then it becomes a selfish ambition to please ourselves and be satisfied… it’s even possible to lose sight of who the other person is (their likes, dislikes, desires, what they struggle with, ect). We end up hurting not only them but ourselves. The whole ordeal ends up looking nothing like the unconditional self-less love that we really desire and get real satisfaction from. A love with God at the head and a deep  resolve to serve and satisfy not yourself but the other person. 

Wedding Day

I just got home from the wedding of my dear friend Kayla Hatch (now Kayla Martin) and her husband Skyler. It was amazing and I would love to talk about what it stirred in me today.

When I leave most weddings I am happy for the bride and groom but I also have a sense of bitterness concerning the fact that I'm still single. I long for that love and companionship. This wedding was different though; I left excited. Excited about Jesus and the wedding day that is coming when the Church will marry the Lamb! The use of the marriage term in my spiritual life with Jesus has been something I've slowly had to get used to. But today I can honestly say I am thrilled about it.

Kayla and Skyler's wedding was like none I've ever seen or heard of before. It was a celebration of not only their union but the future union of the Church with the Lord. The event was so natural. It just felt right. They filled their wedding with the Lord. And it didn't make it stiff or awkward but even more romantic. While I still long for what Kayla and Skyler have with each other, that marriage day with my Lord is all that really matters. It's so much bigger and better and more full of love, contentment, and joy than anything we will experience. It will be the day when we will be united with God! No more brokenness. No more pain. Oh what hope!

Right before they left I thanked Skyler for all the times (and this day being one of them) when he has reminded me what I deserve and what I'm waiting for by the way he loves Kayla. He sang a song that he wrote tonight for Kayla (which in and of itself is awesome) but more importantly: the lyrics and behind those... his heart and his love. He obviously talked about her beauty, her heart, and their love. The line that really got me though was when he talked about how if he was a ship she would be his lighthouse. His light. His beautiful bride. I want to be that! I want to love the Lord with all I am and draw the man I am with closer to the Lord. The only relationship worth having is one where we serve each other to bring the other closer to the Lord. May He be glorified above all!

The Marriage Supper of the Lamb

6 Then I heard what seemed to be wthe voice of a great multitude, like xthe roar of many waters and ylike the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out,

“Hallelujah!

For the Lord our God

the Almighty zreigns.

7 Let us rejoice and exult

and give him the glory,

for athe marriage of the Lamb has come,

and bhis Bride has made herself ready;

8 cit was granted her to clothe herself

with fine linen, bright and pure”—

for the fine linen is dthe righteous deeds of the saints.

9 And the angel said1 to me, “Write this: eBlessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” And he said to me, f“These are the true words of God.”

God, Italy, and Katie

I'm leaving to study abroad in Florence, Italy in a week and I've created a separate blog to write about all my adventure. You can click here to get to it.

Fix your eyes on Jesus

I woke up this morning with a very heavy heart. The house was really quiet and I was thankful. As I began to spend time with the Lord he reminded me of several things:

You are not alone.

"Joyful are those who obey his laws and search for him with all their hearts." -Psalm 119:2 In my struggle to be joyful sometimes I just end up searching for exactly that: joy in the Lord. Which sounds good, but really I must search HIM and search to obey his laws... and then the joy will come.

I long to be loved. To belong. I belong to HIM and he truly loves me. I've desired earthly love and romance, the past couple days especially. But this morning I'm reminded that my perfect romance with the Lord is all that really matters. He loves me better and more fully than anyone else on this earth ever could. And one day, according to his timing and will, he may decided to continue to reveal that love to me through a man.

Be the change! I get so frustrated with the selfish and materialistic culture we're surrounded by. But I have no power to directly change that, so I must change those areas in me. I must be a selfless friend, daughter, sister, co-worker, and Christian.

"And is is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him. " -Hebrews 11:6 I've had some trouble trusting friends and other people in my life lately and it has started to leak in to my trust of the Lord. I must have faith. I must trust Him. Because he is faithful and it is impossible for me to please him like I desire without doing so.

The Hunger Games

I've just finished reading The Hunger Games. I have some thoughts to share. Keep in mind I've only read the first so I don't know where the next two books are headed.

I guess first and foremost it's obviously a page turner. Between the intriguing setting, tense adventure of the hunger game and the romantic aspect it's hard to put the book down and therefore a good book. I absolutely love the general plot that involves The Capital and the games. It's interesting and has good depth.

The characters are fairly well developed, I have some critiques about that topic but I think I'll hold off for the most part until I've read the other two books to see how they continue to develop and who is focused on. But a few comments: I'm hoping on some more focus on Katniss' mother. I'm worried that Katniss is too hard-hearted for my tastes... I love it too a certain extent... but how she handles Peeta at the end makes me nervous. Her hunting skills and overall tough skin is something that is clearly awesome. I do like the development along the way of Haymitch and his relationship with Katniss.

I do have a critique about the love story that I think is fair to mention before I read the rest of the books. I'm disappointed that there is such a focus on the love story by the end of the first book, especially a love triangle. Maybe the Twilight love triangle has just left a bad taste in my mouth. If I hear any Team Peeta or Team Gala crap I'm gonna be super annoyed, because The Hunger Games has depth and an amazing plot that can't even compare to Twilight. Or maybe it's my own emotions... the affect of my own love life making me bitter or the fact that I get emotionally involved in just about every book I read and movie I watch. I understand that my emotions are not really fair to judge a book by but I've never been a fan of any love story where someone is bound to be forever heartbroken. So don't get me wrong, I'm not against there being a love story intertwined. I would just rather the focus be on overcoming The Capital. I am way more interested in a riveting story about people bonding together to overcome evil with a love story nicely worked in rather than a stupid love triangle that is portrayed in a way that results in me loving all three characters involved.

I love Rue and her part in the story. I love her talents and relationship with Katniss. Her death caused me to get teary eyed. The song and dedication of flowers on Katniss' part is absolutely amazing. There's not much I have to say other than it's great.

Another character I enjoyed: Foxface. I like the sneaky and witty, she brings some good diversity to the tribute group. The way she died was something I didn't see coming.

I can't decide if Katniss narrating the story is something I like or not. It lead to me being almost positive she would survive... which means I was pretty positive she would win the hunger game and that takes away a the surprise. Now, whether that surprise is something I really wanted or not... I don't know.

Another thumbs up: the berries. A slap in the face to The Capital. Such a marvelously potent and creative occurrence.

Alright, well.... I'll leave it at that for now. :) Tomorrow? Reading Catching Fire.