Nashville Summer

I'm so giddy as I sit down to right this post. :D This summer was amazing and I have so much to share. I won't get around to it all, but I'll share what comes to me and if you're curious to hear more and swap stories then we should have a coffee date. Just as I'd had intentions to blog about my experience in Italy more, I had planned to blog more about my 3 months in Nashville, TN. I was busy of course but the biggest part, I think, is because as the summer came to an end I began to get a bigger picture of it all. I learned so much this summer. As of late, when people ask about it I say: Worst summer of my life so far... but also the best! It's awesome how the Lord does that. I often attended a church in Brentwood with the friend I was staying with and her family. My last Sunday there in the college class we ended up talking about "mountain top experiences". I was delighted when a young man across the room started to come to the same conclusion as me: The valleys or low points in our faith are essential to the mountain top and therefore you can't really separate them. I know for me, I feel closest to the Lord in the valley and that's when He reveals things to me and I end up being blown away by his love, grace, wisdom, and faithfulness. It's these moments that change my perspective, change my faith for the better and allow me to grow a little bit closer to the Christ-like woman he has created me to be.

Why was in Nashville? Pretty simple: After studying abroad in the Spring I knew going home for the summer would be hard to swallow so I started applying for jobs all over the U.S. (specifically ones that involved rock climbing). The one that worked out best with my other plans this summer and living arrangements was working at Climb Nashville School of Climbing in Nashville, TN. I lived with my friend Mary Kate and her family. After being there a couple weeks, I decided I wasn't going to be getting enough hours at the rock climbing gym, so I got a job as a waitress at a Mexican restaurant and bar called Chago's.

I knew going in to this sumer that I was putting myself in position where I would not know many people. But to the extent that I found myself alone with all new people in my life was much more than I'd really considered. Mary Kate is delightful, but our jobs and her schooling kept us from seeing each other much. I had also planned to spend time with a sweet girl named Amanda who I went to Italy with, not sure why... but it didn't happen more than once. My two closest friends from college were taking classes and/or working this summer so we didn't talk on a regular basis. I mean, when things got really rough they were always there for me to call, but it's different than having someone there with you. And to boot, I lost a wonderful friendship at the beginning of the summer. Time to just make new friendships, right? Well, that's what I did, but nearly all of them are unbelievers or they claim to know the Lord but Christianity is just a religion that they can claim rather than actual relationship.

This was all new to me. I grew up in a Christian home and in church. I had a hard time with loneliness and depression my freshman year of college but I was at a Christian college where people for the most part were very nice and almost never pressured me to go out and get wasted or smoke pot. In Nashville, I had very little support in my faith. It sucked. But God used it to make the summer extremely awesome. I got through with the Lord. In the past, when I have struggled with loneliness fellow Christians have told me that friendships are important and intended by God to bring fulfillment and joy to our lives. While I do think that is true, I also now fully know that I am completely good with only Jesus and I. The body of Christ is something I should be apart of if possible, but when it comes down to it, all I need is Jesus and He will get me through anything. That's so easy to say and I totally would have said it before this summer but now I know it to be true from experience. And THAT, my friends, is freaking awesome.

When I first met all the unbelievers at my two jobs my immediate reaction was to create a game plan. How do I plan to reveal my faith to these people in a way that will give the highest probability of them coming to salvation. Still being in the bible belt, most of them know something about Christianity but it is usually not positive and tied to many hypocrites. I decided that I'd not hide my faith but keep in on the down low and maybe if they came to like me they would be more open to the idea of God's love for them. (Typing all this out makes it seem a whole lot more ridiculous than it seemed in my mind at the time haha).

The summer flew by and I ended up not saying much about my love for the Lord at all. If people asked I didn't hold back on pouring out my heart... but not many asked. I did my best to love my co-workers with the love of the Lord and be different. With three weeks remaining I started to have a break down. I was worshiping on a Monday night at wonderful church called Grace Center in Franklin when I, not for the first time, was crying out to God asking why in the world He sent me to Nashville. What was my purpose here? I had such good intentions at the beginning, now it was almost over and I felt like I'd done nothing. I did not feel much different from the unbelievers. I failed so much. And they were such nice and loving people. That's when the Lord began to really speak to me. He started by revealing to me the work he had been doing IN me. He had been working on my perspective of the world and unbelievers. Like I explained before, He taught me to be satisfied with His presence alone. This brought me some peace but I was still frustrated. Sure I was learning but I had come to really love these unbelievers. What about them?! Why couldn't He use my time here to reveal Himself to these new friends of mine? Over the next few weeks He gave me some marvelous opportunities to share what I'd been given and I took them. Afterwards though I felt like He'd given them more to make me happy than to really have an impact on souls. I had peace about it all but I still didn't understand.

I said goodbye to my friends with such pain in my heart. Not only am I going to miss them immensely but I feel like my work isn't done because they don't know Jesus yet. I know that sounds silly, but I ache so much for the hurt I see in their lives... my heart is so involved that I began to take their salvation as my responsibility. Even now, I'm crying as I attempt to find the words to explain all this.

On the 9 hour drive home I listened to a sermon by Louie Giglio called Grace Moved the Stone. It was from God. Louie explained that before I even arrive, God has already done all the work for me. All I have to do is show up... in any circumstance and any place. What shocking freedom! The kingdom of grace. God isn't asking me to raise Jesus from the dead, defeat the enemy, build up anything, save anyone... I just have to show up. HE does the work because it's HIS glory that I'm "working" for. But that work I do is just a matter of opening myself up and sharing what He's given me and continuing in my relationship with Him. "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." - James 1:27 God is working in my life, your life, and the lives of my unbelieving friends. It also made me feel better to hear a pastor that I look up to say that he had the same mentality about how to open up a sermon as I did about coming to Nashville and sharing Jesus with unbelievers. We get so focused on how to go about it and we try to do it ourselves. God's already done all the work though, I just have to open up and let it happen. I can walk into any situation knowing that the stone is already moved away, HE DOES THE WORK! I don't have to stress because my friends don't get it. I will continue to pray for them and God will continue to work... whether it be through me or someone else. It's also comforting to know that He knows that I'm not even capable of doing what little he's called me to, so he's given us the Holy Spirit to strengthen and guide us in doing the great commission!! HALLELUJAH! 

I'll wrap up by simply saying God is good. He is more than enough. If we seek, we will find. I hope this entry encourages you to move through the rough times in life with joy and with the knowledge that the Holy Spirit is with you and will provide everything you need. I have found joy in my struggle. To the point now where I would rather be challenged because that's when I lean on the Lord the most... that's when I learn and grow.

“When I understand that everything happening to me is to make me more Christlike, it solves a great deal of anxiety.”

—	A.W. Tozer

Provence

I sat at Provence Breads and Cafe today for a few hours. It’s a lovely coffee shop and bakery on 21st on what my friend Asafe calls “hipster lane”. The store is painted in warm oranges and yellows. The dessert and bread displays reminded me of Italy. And it was much quieter than the coffee shop across the street called Fido’s that I go to often. I had some Jesus time. Read some Game of Thrones. Enjoyed plum & ginger iced tea and a bowl of tomato basil soup. It was really soothing, some of my favorite times here in Nashville have been enjoying simple moments like that in the coffee shops that I find. I also did a lot of staring out at the street as I thought about whatever it was that came. I thought I’d share one particular train of thought that I had:

I’ve noticed lately that it is common for us to fall in love with the idea of falling in love rather than the actual person. Then it becomes a selfish ambition to please ourselves and be satisfied… it’s even possible to lose sight of who the other person is (their likes, dislikes, desires, what they struggle with, ect). We end up hurting not only them but ourselves. The whole ordeal ends up looking nothing like the unconditional self-less love that we really desire and get real satisfaction from. A love with God at the head and a deep  resolve to serve and satisfy not yourself but the other person. 

Wedding Day

I just got home from the wedding of my dear friend Kayla Hatch (now Kayla Martin) and her husband Skyler. It was amazing and I would love to talk about what it stirred in me today.

When I leave most weddings I am happy for the bride and groom but I also have a sense of bitterness concerning the fact that I'm still single. I long for that love and companionship. This wedding was different though; I left excited. Excited about Jesus and the wedding day that is coming when the Church will marry the Lamb! The use of the marriage term in my spiritual life with Jesus has been something I've slowly had to get used to. But today I can honestly say I am thrilled about it.

Kayla and Skyler's wedding was like none I've ever seen or heard of before. It was a celebration of not only their union but the future union of the Church with the Lord. The event was so natural. It just felt right. They filled their wedding with the Lord. And it didn't make it stiff or awkward but even more romantic. While I still long for what Kayla and Skyler have with each other, that marriage day with my Lord is all that really matters. It's so much bigger and better and more full of love, contentment, and joy than anything we will experience. It will be the day when we will be united with God! No more brokenness. No more pain. Oh what hope!

Right before they left I thanked Skyler for all the times (and this day being one of them) when he has reminded me what I deserve and what I'm waiting for by the way he loves Kayla. He sang a song that he wrote tonight for Kayla (which in and of itself is awesome) but more importantly: the lyrics and behind those... his heart and his love. He obviously talked about her beauty, her heart, and their love. The line that really got me though was when he talked about how if he was a ship she would be his lighthouse. His light. His beautiful bride. I want to be that! I want to love the Lord with all I am and draw the man I am with closer to the Lord. The only relationship worth having is one where we serve each other to bring the other closer to the Lord. May He be glorified above all!

The Marriage Supper of the Lamb

6 Then I heard what seemed to be wthe voice of a great multitude, like xthe roar of many waters and ylike the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out,

“Hallelujah!

For the Lord our God

the Almighty zreigns.

7 Let us rejoice and exult

and give him the glory,

for athe marriage of the Lamb has come,

and bhis Bride has made herself ready;

8 cit was granted her to clothe herself

with fine linen, bright and pure”—

for the fine linen is dthe righteous deeds of the saints.

9 And the angel said1 to me, “Write this: eBlessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” And he said to me, f“These are the true words of God.”

God, Italy, and Katie

I'm leaving to study abroad in Florence, Italy in a week and I've created a separate blog to write about all my adventure. You can click here to get to it.

Fix your eyes on Jesus

I woke up this morning with a very heavy heart. The house was really quiet and I was thankful. As I began to spend time with the Lord he reminded me of several things:

You are not alone.

"Joyful are those who obey his laws and search for him with all their hearts." -Psalm 119:2 In my struggle to be joyful sometimes I just end up searching for exactly that: joy in the Lord. Which sounds good, but really I must search HIM and search to obey his laws... and then the joy will come.

I long to be loved. To belong. I belong to HIM and he truly loves me. I've desired earthly love and romance, the past couple days especially. But this morning I'm reminded that my perfect romance with the Lord is all that really matters. He loves me better and more fully than anyone else on this earth ever could. And one day, according to his timing and will, he may decided to continue to reveal that love to me through a man.

Be the change! I get so frustrated with the selfish and materialistic culture we're surrounded by. But I have no power to directly change that, so I must change those areas in me. I must be a selfless friend, daughter, sister, co-worker, and Christian.

"And is is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him. " -Hebrews 11:6 I've had some trouble trusting friends and other people in my life lately and it has started to leak in to my trust of the Lord. I must have faith. I must trust Him. Because he is faithful and it is impossible for me to please him like I desire without doing so.

The Hunger Games

I've just finished reading The Hunger Games. I have some thoughts to share. Keep in mind I've only read the first so I don't know where the next two books are headed.

I guess first and foremost it's obviously a page turner. Between the intriguing setting, tense adventure of the hunger game and the romantic aspect it's hard to put the book down and therefore a good book. I absolutely love the general plot that involves The Capital and the games. It's interesting and has good depth.

The characters are fairly well developed, I have some critiques about that topic but I think I'll hold off for the most part until I've read the other two books to see how they continue to develop and who is focused on. But a few comments: I'm hoping on some more focus on Katniss' mother. I'm worried that Katniss is too hard-hearted for my tastes... I love it too a certain extent... but how she handles Peeta at the end makes me nervous. Her hunting skills and overall tough skin is something that is clearly awesome. I do like the development along the way of Haymitch and his relationship with Katniss.

I do have a critique about the love story that I think is fair to mention before I read the rest of the books. I'm disappointed that there is such a focus on the love story by the end of the first book, especially a love triangle. Maybe the Twilight love triangle has just left a bad taste in my mouth. If I hear any Team Peeta or Team Gala crap I'm gonna be super annoyed, because The Hunger Games has depth and an amazing plot that can't even compare to Twilight. Or maybe it's my own emotions... the affect of my own love life making me bitter or the fact that I get emotionally involved in just about every book I read and movie I watch. I understand that my emotions are not really fair to judge a book by but I've never been a fan of any love story where someone is bound to be forever heartbroken. So don't get me wrong, I'm not against there being a love story intertwined. I would just rather the focus be on overcoming The Capital. I am way more interested in a riveting story about people bonding together to overcome evil with a love story nicely worked in rather than a stupid love triangle that is portrayed in a way that results in me loving all three characters involved.

I love Rue and her part in the story. I love her talents and relationship with Katniss. Her death caused me to get teary eyed. The song and dedication of flowers on Katniss' part is absolutely amazing. There's not much I have to say other than it's great.

Another character I enjoyed: Foxface. I like the sneaky and witty, she brings some good diversity to the tribute group. The way she died was something I didn't see coming.

I can't decide if Katniss narrating the story is something I like or not. It lead to me being almost positive she would survive... which means I was pretty positive she would win the hunger game and that takes away a the surprise. Now, whether that surprise is something I really wanted or not... I don't know.

Another thumbs up: the berries. A slap in the face to The Capital. Such a marvelously potent and creative occurrence.

Alright, well.... I'll leave it at that for now. :) Tomorrow? Reading Catching Fire.

Thankful for Struggle

I keep thinking of the many struggles I've endured this semester as a flaw in my life. I've seen it as sin. I've been in this dark hole that I haven't seemed to be able to dig myself out of. Just to name a few: depression, low self-esteem, bitterness, worry, loneliness, selfishness, lust, and idolatry. But now, as I finally seem to have come out of the fog... I'm viewing it all differently. Struggle is a blessing. An easy going, fun, simple semester does not challenge me or bring me any closer to the Lord. Granted, much of my struggle has to do with sin and that sin is definitely not good. It would have been wonderful if I could have endured the struggles this semester and not fallen into many of those sins listed above. But I've learned from it. Humbled and blessed. I trust in a loving sovereign God who is guiding my story. I've asked Him to teach me to love Him like He desires for me to love him. He's shaping my character and has purpose in all things.

"Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O LORD,
   and whom you teach out of your law" - Psalm 94:12


"And the LORD will guide you continually
   and satisfy your desire in scorched places
   and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
   like a spring of water,
   whose waters do not fail." - Isaiah 58:11


I love Oswald Chambers and would highly recommend his book, My Utmost for His Highest. Here are some quotes from that book that have really seemed to apply to my situations lately: 


"If we do a thing in order to overcome depression, we deepen the depression; but if the Spirit of God makes us feel intuitively that we must do the thing; and we do it, the depression is gone. Immediately we rise and obey, we enter on a higher plane of life."


"If we are inspired by God, what is the next thing? To trust Him absolutely and to pray on the ground of His Redemption. Never let the sense of failure corrupt your new action." 


"Get into the habit of saying, "Speak, Lord," and life will become a romance. Every time circumstances press, say, "Speak, Lord"; make time to listen."


"By receiving His Spirit, recognizing and relying on Him, and obeying Him as He brings the word of God, life will become amazingly simple."


"Whenever we are obstinate and self-willed and set upon our own ambitions, we are hurting Jesus."


"The severest discipline of a Christian's life is to learn how to keep reflecting "the Lord's glory.""


"The majority of us have no ear for anything but ourselves, we cannot hear a thing God says."


"We have to get rid of the idea that we understand ourselves, it is the last conceit to go. The only One Who understands us is God. The greatest curse in spiritual life is conceit."