Provence

I sat at Provence Breads and Cafe today for a few hours. It’s a lovely coffee shop and bakery on 21st on what my friend Asafe calls “hipster lane”. The store is painted in warm oranges and yellows. The dessert and bread displays reminded me of Italy. And it was much quieter than the coffee shop across the street called Fido’s that I go to often. I had some Jesus time. Read some Game of Thrones. Enjoyed plum & ginger iced tea and a bowl of tomato basil soup. It was really soothing, some of my favorite times here in Nashville have been enjoying simple moments like that in the coffee shops that I find. I also did a lot of staring out at the street as I thought about whatever it was that came. I thought I’d share one particular train of thought that I had:

I’ve noticed lately that it is common for us to fall in love with the idea of falling in love rather than the actual person. Then it becomes a selfish ambition to please ourselves and be satisfied… it’s even possible to lose sight of who the other person is (their likes, dislikes, desires, what they struggle with, ect). We end up hurting not only them but ourselves. The whole ordeal ends up looking nothing like the unconditional self-less love that we really desire and get real satisfaction from. A love with God at the head and a deep  resolve to serve and satisfy not yourself but the other person. 

Wedding Day

I just got home from the wedding of my dear friend Kayla Hatch (now Kayla Martin) and her husband Skyler. It was amazing and I would love to talk about what it stirred in me today.

When I leave most weddings I am happy for the bride and groom but I also have a sense of bitterness concerning the fact that I'm still single. I long for that love and companionship. This wedding was different though; I left excited. Excited about Jesus and the wedding day that is coming when the Church will marry the Lamb! The use of the marriage term in my spiritual life with Jesus has been something I've slowly had to get used to. But today I can honestly say I am thrilled about it.

Kayla and Skyler's wedding was like none I've ever seen or heard of before. It was a celebration of not only their union but the future union of the Church with the Lord. The event was so natural. It just felt right. They filled their wedding with the Lord. And it didn't make it stiff or awkward but even more romantic. While I still long for what Kayla and Skyler have with each other, that marriage day with my Lord is all that really matters. It's so much bigger and better and more full of love, contentment, and joy than anything we will experience. It will be the day when we will be united with God! No more brokenness. No more pain. Oh what hope!

Right before they left I thanked Skyler for all the times (and this day being one of them) when he has reminded me what I deserve and what I'm waiting for by the way he loves Kayla. He sang a song that he wrote tonight for Kayla (which in and of itself is awesome) but more importantly: the lyrics and behind those... his heart and his love. He obviously talked about her beauty, her heart, and their love. The line that really got me though was when he talked about how if he was a ship she would be his lighthouse. His light. His beautiful bride. I want to be that! I want to love the Lord with all I am and draw the man I am with closer to the Lord. The only relationship worth having is one where we serve each other to bring the other closer to the Lord. May He be glorified above all!

The Marriage Supper of the Lamb

6 Then I heard what seemed to be wthe voice of a great multitude, like xthe roar of many waters and ylike the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out,

“Hallelujah!

For the Lord our God

the Almighty zreigns.

7 Let us rejoice and exult

and give him the glory,

for athe marriage of the Lamb has come,

and bhis Bride has made herself ready;

8 cit was granted her to clothe herself

with fine linen, bright and pure”—

for the fine linen is dthe righteous deeds of the saints.

9 And the angel said1 to me, “Write this: eBlessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” And he said to me, f“These are the true words of God.”

God, Italy, and Katie

I'm leaving to study abroad in Florence, Italy in a week and I've created a separate blog to write about all my adventure. You can click here to get to it.

Fix your eyes on Jesus

I woke up this morning with a very heavy heart. The house was really quiet and I was thankful. As I began to spend time with the Lord he reminded me of several things:

You are not alone.

"Joyful are those who obey his laws and search for him with all their hearts." -Psalm 119:2 In my struggle to be joyful sometimes I just end up searching for exactly that: joy in the Lord. Which sounds good, but really I must search HIM and search to obey his laws... and then the joy will come.

I long to be loved. To belong. I belong to HIM and he truly loves me. I've desired earthly love and romance, the past couple days especially. But this morning I'm reminded that my perfect romance with the Lord is all that really matters. He loves me better and more fully than anyone else on this earth ever could. And one day, according to his timing and will, he may decided to continue to reveal that love to me through a man.

Be the change! I get so frustrated with the selfish and materialistic culture we're surrounded by. But I have no power to directly change that, so I must change those areas in me. I must be a selfless friend, daughter, sister, co-worker, and Christian.

"And is is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him. " -Hebrews 11:6 I've had some trouble trusting friends and other people in my life lately and it has started to leak in to my trust of the Lord. I must have faith. I must trust Him. Because he is faithful and it is impossible for me to please him like I desire without doing so.

The Hunger Games

I've just finished reading The Hunger Games. I have some thoughts to share. Keep in mind I've only read the first so I don't know where the next two books are headed.

I guess first and foremost it's obviously a page turner. Between the intriguing setting, tense adventure of the hunger game and the romantic aspect it's hard to put the book down and therefore a good book. I absolutely love the general plot that involves The Capital and the games. It's interesting and has good depth.

The characters are fairly well developed, I have some critiques about that topic but I think I'll hold off for the most part until I've read the other two books to see how they continue to develop and who is focused on. But a few comments: I'm hoping on some more focus on Katniss' mother. I'm worried that Katniss is too hard-hearted for my tastes... I love it too a certain extent... but how she handles Peeta at the end makes me nervous. Her hunting skills and overall tough skin is something that is clearly awesome. I do like the development along the way of Haymitch and his relationship with Katniss.

I do have a critique about the love story that I think is fair to mention before I read the rest of the books. I'm disappointed that there is such a focus on the love story by the end of the first book, especially a love triangle. Maybe the Twilight love triangle has just left a bad taste in my mouth. If I hear any Team Peeta or Team Gala crap I'm gonna be super annoyed, because The Hunger Games has depth and an amazing plot that can't even compare to Twilight. Or maybe it's my own emotions... the affect of my own love life making me bitter or the fact that I get emotionally involved in just about every book I read and movie I watch. I understand that my emotions are not really fair to judge a book by but I've never been a fan of any love story where someone is bound to be forever heartbroken. So don't get me wrong, I'm not against there being a love story intertwined. I would just rather the focus be on overcoming The Capital. I am way more interested in a riveting story about people bonding together to overcome evil with a love story nicely worked in rather than a stupid love triangle that is portrayed in a way that results in me loving all three characters involved.

I love Rue and her part in the story. I love her talents and relationship with Katniss. Her death caused me to get teary eyed. The song and dedication of flowers on Katniss' part is absolutely amazing. There's not much I have to say other than it's great.

Another character I enjoyed: Foxface. I like the sneaky and witty, she brings some good diversity to the tribute group. The way she died was something I didn't see coming.

I can't decide if Katniss narrating the story is something I like or not. It lead to me being almost positive she would survive... which means I was pretty positive she would win the hunger game and that takes away a the surprise. Now, whether that surprise is something I really wanted or not... I don't know.

Another thumbs up: the berries. A slap in the face to The Capital. Such a marvelously potent and creative occurrence.

Alright, well.... I'll leave it at that for now. :) Tomorrow? Reading Catching Fire.

Thankful for Struggle

I keep thinking of the many struggles I've endured this semester as a flaw in my life. I've seen it as sin. I've been in this dark hole that I haven't seemed to be able to dig myself out of. Just to name a few: depression, low self-esteem, bitterness, worry, loneliness, selfishness, lust, and idolatry. But now, as I finally seem to have come out of the fog... I'm viewing it all differently. Struggle is a blessing. An easy going, fun, simple semester does not challenge me or bring me any closer to the Lord. Granted, much of my struggle has to do with sin and that sin is definitely not good. It would have been wonderful if I could have endured the struggles this semester and not fallen into many of those sins listed above. But I've learned from it. Humbled and blessed. I trust in a loving sovereign God who is guiding my story. I've asked Him to teach me to love Him like He desires for me to love him. He's shaping my character and has purpose in all things.

"Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O LORD,
   and whom you teach out of your law" - Psalm 94:12


"And the LORD will guide you continually
   and satisfy your desire in scorched places
   and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
   like a spring of water,
   whose waters do not fail." - Isaiah 58:11


I love Oswald Chambers and would highly recommend his book, My Utmost for His Highest. Here are some quotes from that book that have really seemed to apply to my situations lately: 


"If we do a thing in order to overcome depression, we deepen the depression; but if the Spirit of God makes us feel intuitively that we must do the thing; and we do it, the depression is gone. Immediately we rise and obey, we enter on a higher plane of life."


"If we are inspired by God, what is the next thing? To trust Him absolutely and to pray on the ground of His Redemption. Never let the sense of failure corrupt your new action." 


"Get into the habit of saying, "Speak, Lord," and life will become a romance. Every time circumstances press, say, "Speak, Lord"; make time to listen."


"By receiving His Spirit, recognizing and relying on Him, and obeying Him as He brings the word of God, life will become amazingly simple."


"Whenever we are obstinate and self-willed and set upon our own ambitions, we are hurting Jesus."


"The severest discipline of a Christian's life is to learn how to keep reflecting "the Lord's glory.""


"The majority of us have no ear for anything but ourselves, we cannot hear a thing God says."


"We have to get rid of the idea that we understand ourselves, it is the last conceit to go. The only One Who understands us is God. The greatest curse in spiritual life is conceit."

Love your neighbor

So I haven't blogged in a long while. I've been in a pit of loneliness, depression, and frustration. I could blog about that and how I'm coming out of it... but I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself so that isn't the topic. The concern is instead something that hit me about a week and half ago. Loving each other... and especially in this instance our brothers and sisters in Christ who are "harder to love".

I have two particular people in mind. One is a wonderful young man who is often searching for attention and usually has no filter for what he says or does. He's made his fair share of mistakes. The second his a fiery woman who is not afraid to be different, in fact... she is usually trying to be different. She says creative, out there things that most would never conceive of. "Crazy" is often used to describe her, either lovingly or negatively.

Before I explain my frustration with how people treat them, I want to explain how much love the Lord has given me for these two individuals. Not because I'm better, I'm not here to brag. I've asked for love and he's given it. Through all the crap I've been through this semester these two have loved and cared for me in ways many others have not. This young man has such a big heart! He's always ready to take care of me and almost never assumes that I have plans or don't need him. I love that. This beautiful woman has brightened my life with her creativity and poured out her heart to me. Despite the hurt she's experienced, she has willing loved me without much prompting at all. On top of that, she'll instantly tell you it's because of the Lord! God has revealed to me how wonderful these people are and how he can work through anyone and anything.

My frustration: It's obvious I'm trying to avoid implying who these people are and so therefore I can't explain specific instances of my frustration. But in a nutshell.

First individual: the majority of his friends and brothers in Christ treat him poorly by not taking him serious, having little patience, and hatefully calling him out in front of big groups of people. It makes me want to get up scream "HE IS YOUR BROTHER! THE LORD LOVES HIM!" Do you know why he is the way he is? Have you asked? Do you care? Yes, he's messed up a lot... but that gives him the perspective to love all those who've done the same. There's a moment in the gospels when Jesus rebukes the Pharisees for the way they treat an "unclean" woman who comes to Jesus. He says this, "her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little."

Second individual: Before I really met her I had multiple friends tell me she was crazy. Thankfully, I didn't let that keep me from getting to know her. But I wonder who have let it change their minds. And that irritates me so much! She has so much to give! Her love for the Lord is growing day after day and her fellow Christians write her off as crazy. Just as before, there are reasons for who she is... yet most of us are too wrapped up in our own selfish problems to see that.

My heart breaks that we treat each other in such judgmental ways. We can become so one-way minded of what's acceptable. I pray daily for the Lord to open my mind and allow me to love people as he loves them... for me to be able to see them as he sees them, with ultimate forgiveness.

"Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself." -Matthew 22:37-39