I keep thinking of the many struggles I've endured this semester as a flaw in my life. I've seen it as sin. I've been in this dark hole that I haven't seemed to be able to dig myself out of. Just to name a few: depression, low self-esteem, bitterness, worry, loneliness, selfishness, lust, and idolatry. But now, as I finally seem to have come out of the fog... I'm viewing it all differently. Struggle is a blessing. An easy going, fun, simple semester does not challenge me or bring me any closer to the Lord. Granted, much of my struggle has to do with sin and that sin is definitely not good. It would have been wonderful if I could have endured the struggles this semester and not fallen into many of those sins listed above. But I've learned from it. Humbled and blessed. I trust in a loving sovereign God who is guiding my story. I've asked Him to teach me to love Him like He desires for me to love him. He's shaping my character and has purpose in all things.
"Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O LORD,
and whom you teach out of your law" - Psalm 94:12
"And the LORD will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail." - Isaiah 58:11
I love Oswald Chambers and would highly recommend his book, My Utmost for His Highest. Here are some quotes from that book that have really seemed to apply to my situations lately:
"If we do a thing in order to overcome depression, we deepen the depression; but if the Spirit of God makes us feel intuitively that we must do the thing; and we do it, the depression is gone. Immediately we rise and obey, we enter on a higher plane of life."
"If we are inspired by God, what is the next thing? To trust Him absolutely and to pray on the ground of His Redemption. Never let the sense of failure corrupt your new action."
"Get into the habit of saying, "Speak, Lord," and life will become a romance. Every time circumstances press, say, "Speak, Lord"; make time to listen."
"By receiving His Spirit, recognizing and relying on Him, and obeying Him as He brings the word of God, life will become amazingly simple."
"Whenever we are obstinate and self-willed and set upon our own ambitions, we are hurting Jesus."
"The severest discipline of a Christian's life is to learn how to keep reflecting "the Lord's glory.""
"The majority of us have no ear for anything but ourselves, we cannot hear a thing God says."
"We have to get rid of the idea that we understand ourselves, it is the last conceit to go. The only One Who understands us is God. The greatest curse in spiritual life is conceit."
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Love your neighbor
So I haven't blogged in a long while. I've been in a pit of loneliness, depression, and frustration. I could blog about that and how I'm coming out of it... but I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself so that isn't the topic. The concern is instead something that hit me about a week and half ago. Loving each other... and especially in this instance our brothers and sisters in Christ who are "harder to love".
I have two particular people in mind. One is a wonderful young man who is often searching for attention and usually has no filter for what he says or does. He's made his fair share of mistakes. The second his a fiery woman who is not afraid to be different, in fact... she is usually trying to be different. She says creative, out there things that most would never conceive of. "Crazy" is often used to describe her, either lovingly or negatively.
Before I explain my frustration with how people treat them, I want to explain how much love the Lord has given me for these two individuals. Not because I'm better, I'm not here to brag. I've asked for love and he's given it. Through all the crap I've been through this semester these two have loved and cared for me in ways many others have not. This young man has such a big heart! He's always ready to take care of me and almost never assumes that I have plans or don't need him. I love that. This beautiful woman has brightened my life with her creativity and poured out her heart to me. Despite the hurt she's experienced, she has willing loved me without much prompting at all. On top of that, she'll instantly tell you it's because of the Lord! God has revealed to me how wonderful these people are and how he can work through anyone and anything.
My frustration: It's obvious I'm trying to avoid implying who these people are and so therefore I can't explain specific instances of my frustration. But in a nutshell.
First individual: the majority of his friends and brothers in Christ treat him poorly by not taking him serious, having little patience, and hatefully calling him out in front of big groups of people. It makes me want to get up scream "HE IS YOUR BROTHER! THE LORD LOVES HIM!" Do you know why he is the way he is? Have you asked? Do you care? Yes, he's messed up a lot... but that gives him the perspective to love all those who've done the same. There's a moment in the gospels when Jesus rebukes the Pharisees for the way they treat an "unclean" woman who comes to Jesus. He says this, "her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little."
Second individual: Before I really met her I had multiple friends tell me she was crazy. Thankfully, I didn't let that keep me from getting to know her. But I wonder who have let it change their minds. And that irritates me so much! She has so much to give! Her love for the Lord is growing day after day and her fellow Christians write her off as crazy. Just as before, there are reasons for who she is... yet most of us are too wrapped up in our own selfish problems to see that.
My heart breaks that we treat each other in such judgmental ways. We can become so one-way minded of what's acceptable. I pray daily for the Lord to open my mind and allow me to love people as he loves them... for me to be able to see them as he sees them, with ultimate forgiveness.
"Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself." -Matthew 22:37-39
I have two particular people in mind. One is a wonderful young man who is often searching for attention and usually has no filter for what he says or does. He's made his fair share of mistakes. The second his a fiery woman who is not afraid to be different, in fact... she is usually trying to be different. She says creative, out there things that most would never conceive of. "Crazy" is often used to describe her, either lovingly or negatively.
Before I explain my frustration with how people treat them, I want to explain how much love the Lord has given me for these two individuals. Not because I'm better, I'm not here to brag. I've asked for love and he's given it. Through all the crap I've been through this semester these two have loved and cared for me in ways many others have not. This young man has such a big heart! He's always ready to take care of me and almost never assumes that I have plans or don't need him. I love that. This beautiful woman has brightened my life with her creativity and poured out her heart to me. Despite the hurt she's experienced, she has willing loved me without much prompting at all. On top of that, she'll instantly tell you it's because of the Lord! God has revealed to me how wonderful these people are and how he can work through anyone and anything.
My frustration: It's obvious I'm trying to avoid implying who these people are and so therefore I can't explain specific instances of my frustration. But in a nutshell.
First individual: the majority of his friends and brothers in Christ treat him poorly by not taking him serious, having little patience, and hatefully calling him out in front of big groups of people. It makes me want to get up scream "HE IS YOUR BROTHER! THE LORD LOVES HIM!" Do you know why he is the way he is? Have you asked? Do you care? Yes, he's messed up a lot... but that gives him the perspective to love all those who've done the same. There's a moment in the gospels when Jesus rebukes the Pharisees for the way they treat an "unclean" woman who comes to Jesus. He says this, "her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little."
Second individual: Before I really met her I had multiple friends tell me she was crazy. Thankfully, I didn't let that keep me from getting to know her. But I wonder who have let it change their minds. And that irritates me so much! She has so much to give! Her love for the Lord is growing day after day and her fellow Christians write her off as crazy. Just as before, there are reasons for who she is... yet most of us are too wrapped up in our own selfish problems to see that.
My heart breaks that we treat each other in such judgmental ways. We can become so one-way minded of what's acceptable. I pray daily for the Lord to open my mind and allow me to love people as he loves them... for me to be able to see them as he sees them, with ultimate forgiveness.
"Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself." -Matthew 22:37-39
Friday, August 26, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
New fear
Satan has afflicted me with a new fear over the past few months. There aren't very many things I'm seriously afraid of.
I trust the Lord, there is nothing to fear but Him. Even then, love triumphs fear.
I might be scarred of pain sometimes, physical or emotional, but He always brings me through. It also tends to make me stronger or teach me something. Worry will sometimes get the best of me, but when I slow down, I know He is in control and it'll be alright. I've even overcome the fear of loneliness. While it's can sometimes seem overpowering, all I need is Him and He'll fill me.
This though... this seems different. I have no control over this and to some extent, neither does the Lord. It is in the freewill of another. It has everything to do with me and could completely change and damage something very precious and amazing. I pray fervently.
Monday, August 8, 2011
our skewed vision
my friend payton wrote this on his blog a little over a week ago. I like it. a lot. so I thought I'd give him a re-post. :)
And here is a link to his blog.
a few years ago, i had a late night conversation with one of my friends about temptations and the disputes that we have with one another. she mentioned to me that “far too often, we focus on what we don’t agree with rather than what we do believe.” i find it very interesting the things that we put our focus on. in a recent study with friends we talked about the temptations that we face. another one of my friends mentioned that “sometimes we are so concerned about not committing a particular sin that we are still in its’ grasp because we still focus on it rather than what we should be doing instead.”
these two things have been on my mind lately. disputes we have with one another and the battle that we have within ourselves.
faith and belief are constantly being tried and shaped within each and every one of us. what do you believe? what do you stand for? who are you? all of these questions we may face in different ways on a regular basis. it is interesting to watch churches, i’ve become excited to observe different settings and how they deal with their conflict. in a particular situation, a church was divided because of a ‘business issue’ that in turn pulled their spirituality apart. small matters that had been dealt with for years became separating topics. we have so many different denominations that exist, different ways to worship, different flavors even, but why do we focus so often and put so much stock in earthly matters rather than eternal ones and allow those to separate us? it is important to believe particular things and stand by them, but it intrigues me how simple god is in the bible sometimes. love your god, love your neighbor. the greatest of these is love. do we get caught up in disputes and petty arguments that rip our relationships and churches apart from the inside out?
there is a raging battle inside us all. we all struggle. we are all imperfect, but the way that we deal with our sin and temptations is defining of our lives. my friend mentioned that we get caught up in trying to avoid our sin that we don’t focus on good things. i’m too busy worrying about lying to pick up my bible. i’m too ashamed of the movies that i watch to pray to god and ask for his guidance. i am convinced that satan plants such lies within us and devours our self-worth more than we even know. there is something incredible though, god’s love prevails over satan every single time, time and time again. nothing can separate us from the love of god. (romans 8:38-39) how incredible is that news! i am a mess up, a sinner continually trying to dig myself out of this mud pit, but god still wants to be in relationship with me. he wants to rescue me, always. we have to ask him to. i believe that god has the power and ability to intervene in any situation that he wants, but we are called to be in relationship with him.
we have to acknowledge that satan has skewed our vision. once we acknowledge that, we can equip ourselves to combat him and depend on god to be our guide through all the trials and struggles that we face. i didn’t say that it would always be easy, but with personal experience recently, i know that something has to change in me.
someone i truly respect said recently that he asks himself two questions each morning: who am i? and where am i going today? we have to quit defining ourselves by our past, by the mud that satan throws at us. we are creation of the most high king who loves us dearly and longs for us to be with him. i don’t know what you need most, maybe it’s scriptures written all over your wall, your phone, your car, your house. maybe you need someone to be dependent with and walk with god alongside, an accountable person you can trust and confide in. we have to quit buying into the lies that satan uses. don’t give up, don’t believe that god doesn’t love you anymore, don’t believe that god won’t use you in incredible ways for his kingdom. we have to get on our feet and finally live for our god in all that we do.
“since, then, you have been raised with christ, set your hearts on things above where christ is, seated at the right hand of god. set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. for you died, and your life is now hidden with christ in god. when christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.” - colossians 3:1-4
And here is a link to his blog.
a few years ago, i had a late night conversation with one of my friends about temptations and the disputes that we have with one another. she mentioned to me that “far too often, we focus on what we don’t agree with rather than what we do believe.” i find it very interesting the things that we put our focus on. in a recent study with friends we talked about the temptations that we face. another one of my friends mentioned that “sometimes we are so concerned about not committing a particular sin that we are still in its’ grasp because we still focus on it rather than what we should be doing instead.”
these two things have been on my mind lately. disputes we have with one another and the battle that we have within ourselves.
faith and belief are constantly being tried and shaped within each and every one of us. what do you believe? what do you stand for? who are you? all of these questions we may face in different ways on a regular basis. it is interesting to watch churches, i’ve become excited to observe different settings and how they deal with their conflict. in a particular situation, a church was divided because of a ‘business issue’ that in turn pulled their spirituality apart. small matters that had been dealt with for years became separating topics. we have so many different denominations that exist, different ways to worship, different flavors even, but why do we focus so often and put so much stock in earthly matters rather than eternal ones and allow those to separate us? it is important to believe particular things and stand by them, but it intrigues me how simple god is in the bible sometimes. love your god, love your neighbor. the greatest of these is love. do we get caught up in disputes and petty arguments that rip our relationships and churches apart from the inside out?
there is a raging battle inside us all. we all struggle. we are all imperfect, but the way that we deal with our sin and temptations is defining of our lives. my friend mentioned that we get caught up in trying to avoid our sin that we don’t focus on good things. i’m too busy worrying about lying to pick up my bible. i’m too ashamed of the movies that i watch to pray to god and ask for his guidance. i am convinced that satan plants such lies within us and devours our self-worth more than we even know. there is something incredible though, god’s love prevails over satan every single time, time and time again. nothing can separate us from the love of god. (romans 8:38-39) how incredible is that news! i am a mess up, a sinner continually trying to dig myself out of this mud pit, but god still wants to be in relationship with me. he wants to rescue me, always. we have to ask him to. i believe that god has the power and ability to intervene in any situation that he wants, but we are called to be in relationship with him.
we have to acknowledge that satan has skewed our vision. once we acknowledge that, we can equip ourselves to combat him and depend on god to be our guide through all the trials and struggles that we face. i didn’t say that it would always be easy, but with personal experience recently, i know that something has to change in me.
someone i truly respect said recently that he asks himself two questions each morning: who am i? and where am i going today? we have to quit defining ourselves by our past, by the mud that satan throws at us. we are creation of the most high king who loves us dearly and longs for us to be with him. i don’t know what you need most, maybe it’s scriptures written all over your wall, your phone, your car, your house. maybe you need someone to be dependent with and walk with god alongside, an accountable person you can trust and confide in. we have to quit buying into the lies that satan uses. don’t give up, don’t believe that god doesn’t love you anymore, don’t believe that god won’t use you in incredible ways for his kingdom. we have to get on our feet and finally live for our god in all that we do.
“since, then, you have been raised with christ, set your hearts on things above where christ is, seated at the right hand of god. set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. for you died, and your life is now hidden with christ in god. when christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.” - colossians 3:1-4
Friday, July 29, 2011
Someone unseen
I almost always come here when I'm frustrated, upset, or overflowing with things to say with no one to listen. If someone were to only read my blog I suppose it wouldn't be a very balanced view of who I am. I guess that's not the purpose though... I don't have a blog to express who I am, sure that comes in to play... but I think it's more therapeutic than anything. Clearly, I think about the people who read it, but more than that it's a way of putting my thoughts in order before the Lord. It's almost like I'm writing to him, yet also getting the satisfaction of it being put out publicly to be concurred with. We all want to know we aren't alone, don't we?
Well, tonight I'm here because my family is screaming. Fighting. Arguing. Allowing the evil one to get a foothold over something totally not worth it. Everyone pointing figures yet no one taking the time to think that there is someone unseen who has caused it all. From an outside view, I know that they would never allow such an event to cause them to speak so viciously towards each other. One small comment that mounts to an argument we all know isn't worth it. What is this trivial subject? Dogs. Yup. You heard me. Dogs. We have four dogs and they got into a nasty fight. I'm not interested in telling the story, lets just say everyone has their own opinion on how the situation should have be handled and everyone has a favorite dog.
Ridiculous. That's all I can think. Absolutely ridiculous that we let something like this reduce us to how we've acted tonight. If we let petty arguments like this break out in our home, how are we ever suppose to be strong enough to stand together against world. I know that sounds dramatic but if we can't be meek, forgiving, and patient among those we love most, how will we practice that among the fellowship of the body of Christ? Which is an essential part in staying strong in the Lord. And I know my family is not the only one. As Christians we are called to different. Using an excuse for ourselves as being "normal" should never come up in our vocabulary. We are called to be different. We are called to strive for perfection. We are to labor steadfast with what we've been given (Matt. 25:14-30, Luke 19:12-27).
Friday, July 8, 2011
A Moment in the Mountains
I actually wrote this on the 6th but didn't have internet so it's just a tad late.
My family and I are on vacation in Yellowstone with my mom’s whole side of the family (minus a few that weren’t able to come… 14 of us in all). It has been amazing. It took us two and half days to drive here. I’d never seen real mountains before I saw the Rockies. They completely took my breath away. I spent a lot of time with the Lord during the drive. It was just my immediate family and headphones were an essential to survive. Nearly half of my day involved reading my bible, praying, worshiping at the sight of His beautiful creation, and reading Christian novels. But I don’t want to focus this post on those first few days; they were great with just a hiccup or two due to tight corridors with sisters.
What I do want to talk about is that past three days or so. Once we got to Yellowstone things got hectic. With such a big group there is vary rarely a quite moment and I feel guilty sticking headphones in because being here is suppose to be about family. It takes us forever to decide what we’re doing and where it is. Haha Needless to say, I have not spent nearly as much one on one time with Jesus. I’ve kept up my bible reading but vary rarely in a quite place alone and I also pray continually. My roommate is my Aunt who talks endlessly and I have four younger cousins here who are always ready to play. There was one point where dad and I hiked farther than everyone else up to the base of a waterfall. I was able to sit for a while and read some psalms but the group was quick to tell me we had to move on. By day two in the park I was depressed. It was frustrating. I’m in such a beautiful place with family that loves me so much…. How could I be sad? My self-esteem was low too. I’ve been looking at pictures of me and these beautiful waterfalls and mountains. I feel so mediocre and plain.
I’ve been reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge for a second time. It has challenged and taught me just as much as it did the first time. This time though, it’s had a slight negative affect too. I do not doubt there are plenty of good Christian men who have been able to take their wounds to the Lord and grown into strong leaders. What I do doubt while reading though… is that there is one that will love me. I know it sounds dramatic and silly. Eldredge summed up my feelings when he said, “No one is fighting for her heart; there is no grand adventure to be swept up in; and every woman doubts very much that she has any beauty to unveil.”
Then yesterday I was reminded of a few things. We were headed back to Old Faithful Inn after driving around all day finding waterfalls while a few others in our group had been horseback riding. Exhausted, depressed, and frustrated because of it I curled up in the backseat by myself and pulled out my ipod. After reading my daily chapters, I starred out the window at the mountains. Then a lesson hit me that I’ve already learned once before but because of what I’ve seen needed to be taught again. In Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge (woman version of Wild at Heart) there is a paragraph that asks you to think of the most beautiful scene on earth you’ve ever seen (the beach, mountains, anything that involves nature), then Stasi asks the reader to realize that you, as a woman of earth, are more beautiful than all that. Each step in creation was more complex, more beautiful. Dark and light, water and earth, and so on. The last thing created was woman and it was not as an afterthought… all this was incomplete without me. It should also not be taken for granted that God is far more beautiful than all his creations on earth and what I’ve seen is only a glimpse of his glory.
Then my thoughts went a step farther. I am more important than all this. Those mountains don’t have souls. The Lord made those mountains to reveal is love and showcase his glory. Above all else he wants relationship with me. When that fact is once again resonated throughout my body… the thought of not being loved by a Godly man becomes much less depressing. El Shaddai is fighting for my heart. He offers a great adventure and my role is essential. Because of Him I have much beauty to unveil. I have all that I need. He will care for me and if his will, bring me a man of after His own heart that I can share that adventure with.
Unfortunately, Satan couldn’t stand me dwelling so confidently in the Lord and hit me hard again last night. That struggle is harder to publically talk about, which is probably what makes it more lethal.
Sometimes I get annoyed because I feel like I’m relearning so many essentials of my spiritual walk that I should already know or have conquered. I pour myself out to him, what more can I do? I know there will always be struggles… but shouldn’t I just have new ones? Haha Am I really growing at all if I still fight the same battles? I’ve never really had a mentor and what I would give to change that! My parents and I have almost walked our spiritual walk together and I guess I’ve just never met an older woman with whom it all fell into place. I guess it’s not an essential, but it sure sounds appealing.
Mmmmkay, I think I’m done. I can’t think of a graceful way to end. If you’ve read thus far… I’m surprised and would love to hear your thoughts. ;)
My family and I are on vacation in Yellowstone with my mom’s whole side of the family (minus a few that weren’t able to come… 14 of us in all). It has been amazing. It took us two and half days to drive here. I’d never seen real mountains before I saw the Rockies. They completely took my breath away. I spent a lot of time with the Lord during the drive. It was just my immediate family and headphones were an essential to survive. Nearly half of my day involved reading my bible, praying, worshiping at the sight of His beautiful creation, and reading Christian novels. But I don’t want to focus this post on those first few days; they were great with just a hiccup or two due to tight corridors with sisters.
What I do want to talk about is that past three days or so. Once we got to Yellowstone things got hectic. With such a big group there is vary rarely a quite moment and I feel guilty sticking headphones in because being here is suppose to be about family. It takes us forever to decide what we’re doing and where it is. Haha Needless to say, I have not spent nearly as much one on one time with Jesus. I’ve kept up my bible reading but vary rarely in a quite place alone and I also pray continually. My roommate is my Aunt who talks endlessly and I have four younger cousins here who are always ready to play. There was one point where dad and I hiked farther than everyone else up to the base of a waterfall. I was able to sit for a while and read some psalms but the group was quick to tell me we had to move on. By day two in the park I was depressed. It was frustrating. I’m in such a beautiful place with family that loves me so much…. How could I be sad? My self-esteem was low too. I’ve been looking at pictures of me and these beautiful waterfalls and mountains. I feel so mediocre and plain.
I’ve been reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge for a second time. It has challenged and taught me just as much as it did the first time. This time though, it’s had a slight negative affect too. I do not doubt there are plenty of good Christian men who have been able to take their wounds to the Lord and grown into strong leaders. What I do doubt while reading though… is that there is one that will love me. I know it sounds dramatic and silly. Eldredge summed up my feelings when he said, “No one is fighting for her heart; there is no grand adventure to be swept up in; and every woman doubts very much that she has any beauty to unveil.”
Then yesterday I was reminded of a few things. We were headed back to Old Faithful Inn after driving around all day finding waterfalls while a few others in our group had been horseback riding. Exhausted, depressed, and frustrated because of it I curled up in the backseat by myself and pulled out my ipod. After reading my daily chapters, I starred out the window at the mountains. Then a lesson hit me that I’ve already learned once before but because of what I’ve seen needed to be taught again. In Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge (woman version of Wild at Heart) there is a paragraph that asks you to think of the most beautiful scene on earth you’ve ever seen (the beach, mountains, anything that involves nature), then Stasi asks the reader to realize that you, as a woman of earth, are more beautiful than all that. Each step in creation was more complex, more beautiful. Dark and light, water and earth, and so on. The last thing created was woman and it was not as an afterthought… all this was incomplete without me. It should also not be taken for granted that God is far more beautiful than all his creations on earth and what I’ve seen is only a glimpse of his glory.
Then my thoughts went a step farther. I am more important than all this. Those mountains don’t have souls. The Lord made those mountains to reveal is love and showcase his glory. Above all else he wants relationship with me. When that fact is once again resonated throughout my body… the thought of not being loved by a Godly man becomes much less depressing. El Shaddai is fighting for my heart. He offers a great adventure and my role is essential. Because of Him I have much beauty to unveil. I have all that I need. He will care for me and if his will, bring me a man of after His own heart that I can share that adventure with.
Unfortunately, Satan couldn’t stand me dwelling so confidently in the Lord and hit me hard again last night. That struggle is harder to publically talk about, which is probably what makes it more lethal.
Sometimes I get annoyed because I feel like I’m relearning so many essentials of my spiritual walk that I should already know or have conquered. I pour myself out to him, what more can I do? I know there will always be struggles… but shouldn’t I just have new ones? Haha Am I really growing at all if I still fight the same battles? I’ve never really had a mentor and what I would give to change that! My parents and I have almost walked our spiritual walk together and I guess I’ve just never met an older woman with whom it all fell into place. I guess it’s not an essential, but it sure sounds appealing.
Mmmmkay, I think I’m done. I can’t think of a graceful way to end. If you’ve read thus far… I’m surprised and would love to hear your thoughts. ;)
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