High standards + insecurity = complicated mess

I've debated for awhile whether or not to blog about these thoughts. I don't want to think about it but I do anyway... it's a bit unavoidable. My thoughts are just muddled, which is also my main reasoning in decided to blog about it. Maybe if I organize it to some degree then I can work some of it out in my head.

I've always been told and I've always believed that I have high standards. High standards for myself and for those around me, especially those I care about. Growing up, my parents rarely had to get on to me for things likes grades or goals in other areas. I held myself to such a high standard that when I failed I was more upset than they were.

When it comes to my family, having big ideals has really damaged my relationship with one of my sisters. She feels like she can't ever be good enough for me. That's not how I think though, I love her how she is. My love for her is unconditional. I just also see how much amazing potential she has and how the bad decisions she makes will only hurt her.

Guys. This is where the insecurity comes in. If you ask me what I want in a guy I again have "high standards". I don't think I'm over the top or unrealistic, but they are certainly up there. Although... if you look at my dating history, the high standards have gone out the window. Many of the guys I've dated were no where close to meeting those standards and I knew it from the beginning. So do I really have them? If I don't follow through with them then maybe they don't exist like I think they do. If that's true then where do I start in deciding what my standards should be?

As of late, my high standards have left me feeling very alone. Not just in relationships with guys, but with people in general. This one is hard to explain. The only way I can think to put it in words is individual stories, which I don't really want to tell. I just feel different.

It's not really a grace problem. I know people will fail and I'm ready to love them despite it. I screw up so much and I'm very willing to give the same amazing grace the Lord's given me to the people around me. I've prayed regularly for the Lord to allow me to love people more like he loves them. In return I've found my heart swelling with so much love that at times I literally feel like I might burst. My heart breaks. What gets me is when people try to make their sins and mistakes ok or just not so bad so they can do it again. Honesty, with ourselves.

Alright, I'm done. I don't know how much this as all helped in figuring stuff out, but I feel a bit better.

What if

Reading. A love. A must.

It's important. And in most cases... I believe essential.

Reading takes your mind places it cannot go on it's own. Books house whole new worlds that expand the mind. Literature is so diverse. There are infinite topics... you can't tell me you're not interested in at least one. It's not only about learning, but amusement, wonder, challenges, and a sense that we're not alone.

I do not have this opinion simply because I am an education major. I suppose that could be a large part of it. Although, it is amazing how many education majors and teachers I meet that absolutely hate reading or maybe even worse are completely apathetic about about. I might be able to understand if a high school math teacher struggles with a love for reading, but any teacher who teaches all subjects (K-6th) should have a broad love for knowledge... that includes reading. Nearly every other subject requires it. It's the basis of knowledge. If you as the teacher don't have a passion for the basis of knowledge, how do you ever expect to light a fire in your students. It just completely blows my mind.


When it comes to spiritual maturity, I also believe that reading has an important role. First being that there is a book called the Bible... and the God of the universe who created your innermost being speaks to you through it. Secondly, there are so very many wise christians that have come before us. They struggled and mulled over a good deal of what we do currently. Quite a few were righteous people that sought God out and have some remarkable things to share. And lastly, it's important to know the theories and beliefs that float around in the modern day world. Some have foundation and like works from past followers can help us grow and learn. Others are nowhere near the truth but we have to be aware of them. When I think of people I know who are spiritually mature or are strong leaders, they are well read. I don't think that's a coincidence.


I'm not saying reading is the above all, end all and it's impossible to wise without. In today's culture there are many other options. Technology has exploded with other options for gaining information. It's just a matter of searching out the right information. The very thing that has made it easier for those who struggle with reading to learn has crippled many. We get bored too quickly and don't have the patience to sit down and read a book.

Needless to say, I have a passion for reading. I do not yet consider myself "well read", but I am working on it. I only wish there were more hours in the day for me to do all I need to and read as much as I would like to.



Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book. ~Author Unknown

I would be most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves. ~Anna Quindlen, "Enough Bookshelves," New York Times

Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers. ~Charles W. Eliot


The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them. ~Mark Twain, attributed
Books let us into their souls and lay open to us the secrets of our own. ~William Hazlitt

Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all. ~Abraham Lincoln

TV. If kids are entertained by two letters, imagine the fun they'll have with twenty-six. Open your child's imagination. Open a book. ~Author Unknown

Books had instant replay long before televised sports. ~Bern Williams

To read without reflecting is like eating without digesting. ~Edmund Burke

Books - the best antidote against the marsh-gas of boredom and vacuity. ~George Steiner

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