Something worse than guilt

This is a follow up or I guess a sequel to my last post about having no excuse. I think I have the flu and my head has been really foggy all day, so we'll see how capable I am at writing and organizing my thoughts. I need to organize all those feelings and thoughts though and let some things out in a more appropriate way than making myself more vulnerable to certain people. Anyway, here we go.

In my last post I talked about a struggle I've had for as long as I can remember and the excuses I made for myself. I focused on an amazing sermon by Dr. Youngblood that convicted and empowered me in and through my guilt. I've "messed up" again and fallen in my sin and this same struggle. I have different feelings than guilt this time and that's what I'd like to sort out.

Guilt is still present, but it's not nearly as potent. At first I thought this meant I was becoming numb, which scared me, but now I think that perhaps other lies of Satan are taking it's place. Falling AGAIN to this sin has made me feel hopeless, like I've in some way lost some of my worth, and that I am completely inadequate of calling myself a woman of God. I know that at the core we are ALL inadequate and in needing of salvation... but I guess I feel like I've crossed some stronghold from a woman who, while still making mistakes, honestly pursued righteousness and the Lord in everything to a woman who still loves the Lord but is so caught up in the lies of the world and the flesh that there is no truth or righteousness that pours from her. My manner of life has not been worthy of the gospel of Christ. I listened to my flesh and took a bit of deception and now I'm sick because my spirit that longs for the Lord can't digest it. I am "no longer the woman who walks in the confidence of ultimate artistic design." Submit my name change, we'll call me... compromise. But that's not me!!! I am not her, cause I'm called to be so much more. I love the Lord so much. I am a woman of a different status.

When I talked to a friend the day after I fell, I explained a frustration with the Lord. A few days leading up to my "transgression" I felt it coming. I prayed about it and spent time in the word, trying to combat it and keep it from happening. Hours before hand I cried out to him asking him to save me from it and help me focus on him. It happened anyway though and I was a bitter the next day because in my mind I'd tried and asked the Lord to step in and he didn't. My friend told me that one thing she has learned is that God will never step in and make a decision for us... even when we ask him to. What kind of God would he be if he did? Just because I gave my life to him doesn't mean I've lost my freewill. I still have to choose what I want and he will always give me what "I want". While I had been filling myself with the word, praying and trying to remember that what I truly want is the Lord's way... I had also been thinking about how much I "wanted" that sin. His desires must become my desires. My life in all aspects must be in line with those desires... my friendships, my dreams, my joys, my sorrows, my day to day actions.

I've also been learning a lot about grace and how motivating it is when we truly understand it. Grace. It has nothing to do with me. Just as I had nothing to do with being born a sinner, I'll have nothing to do with being saved except receiving it. "Grace is not the freedom to sin. It is the power to live a holy life." - Titus 2:11-12 I am not capable of being righteous, his grace makes me so. I've learned I am far from truly understanding this grace... it's lead me to ask the Lord to reveal to me what grace I need to accept and what accepting it in my life looks like. While I've always known salvation had nothing to do with me I still felt that I had some working resume that I had to give to the Lord.

"You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering. The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God." - Psalm 51:16-17

This broken and repentant heart is essential. Never let your heart become calloused. For without a tender heart and sensitive attentive spirit, no one can see God. Without these, holiness will never be attained. The value of my salvation I must always comprehend!!! For I am a fool if I do not discern the value and cast aside the ultimate gift. Because of this I have come to love my guilt and accept the love, grace, and mercy he offers me.

Each day I must wake and say, "Today is yours, Lord. May my perspective be an eternal one and my desires echo yours."