I've struggled with one specific sin for a very long time. As I've grown older and stronger in the Lord I've given in to it less but still struggled with it the same. I'd accepted it as my struggle, something that I would probably deal with my entire life. I thought that if I could just make it a rare occurrence then that would be enough for the Lord. Last night I gave in again, big time. And the result was horrific. I laid in bed sick, wanting to puke because I was so disgusted with myself... overcome with guilt. My guilt was magnified because I'd seen it all coming and part of me didn't want to keep myself from it. I woke up this morning feeling the weight like a ton of bricks. Luckily, I have an amazing roommate, Claire, who knows my struggle and I feel completely comfortable pouring out to her. I immediately confessed to her and cried as I told her how tired I am of fighting the flesh. I just want to go home and be done with it. I'm sick of failing and giving in and fighting it off every freakin day. With inadequate words I did my best to explain my feeling of guilt to her... but she knows my heart and understood despite my deficient communication.
My heart felt a bit lighter. We made blueberry pancakes and slowly got ready for church... and throughout the morning I would just start crying as my guilt hit me again. As we arrived to Covenant for service I had NO IDEA what the Lord was about to do. Dr. Kevin Youngblood has been leading a series at Covenant the past few weeks about the Holy Spirit. I think every time he speaks I have "ahhh" moment. ha But today, oh today, it was for me. The Lord spoke straight to me today. I have been doubting that I can overcome my flesh. We're human right? We're gonna make mistakes. No.
I know what you're thinking. No? We can't be perfect. It's impossible. And I know that. But hear me out. Dr. Youngblood spoke about how Jesus had to remove his physical body from the earth so he could live IN us and so we could be the body of Christ. We are the ongoing incarnation of Christ! The church suffers from an inferiority complex. Once we got here, I was crying as I took notes. I cry often while worshiping but I can't think of a time that a sermon brought me to tears. Paul says that the Church is the fullness of Him that fills everything else. But I sure don't feel like that sometimes. It's that mysterious collusion of the divine and humanity. Luke insists throughout his writing that Jesus did all he did by the power of the Spirit and EVERYTHING that Jesus had he is giving to us. How did Jesus overcome the temptation of Satan in the desert? Scripture and the Spirit. God gives us his Spirit without measure! The question is not: how much of the Spirit do I have? But rather: how much of ME does the Spirit have? When we fall short it's because we have not surrendered fully to the Spirit. We as believers have no excuse to fall into temptation again. We house the Spirit. Did ya get that? The HOLY SPIRIT! He will not give us anything he hasn't equipped us to handle.
It's possible. With the Spirit I can overcome. This morning the Lord smacked me saying that I have no excuse but also gave me so much love and forgiveness and hope in that His Spirit lives in me and will never leave me dry. At the end of service, during the announcements, I turned to Claire and just our eye contact made me tear up again. She smiled and said, "That was the Lord telling you that you can do it." I started crying again and started to explain how much I love the Lord. And she quickly told me He doesn't doubt it and neither does she. Which was perfect because I get so scared that my sin shows some major flaw in my love for the Lord. He love me so much and He knows that I love him.
He's given me the tools to overcome.
He's given me forgiveness when I am completely unworthy.
What an amazing God we serve.
