I'm so giddy as I sit down to right this post. :D This summer was amazing and I have so much to share. I won't get around to it all, but I'll share what comes to me and if you're curious to hear more and swap stories then we should have a coffee date. Just as I'd had intentions to blog about my experience in Italy more, I had planned to blog more about my 3 months in Nashville, TN. I was busy of course but the biggest part, I think, is because as the summer came to an end I began to get a bigger picture of it all. I learned so much this summer. As of late, when people ask about it I say: Worst summer of my life so far... but also the best! It's awesome how the Lord does that. I often attended a church in Brentwood with the friend I was staying with and her family. My last Sunday there in the college class we ended up talking about "mountain top experiences". I was delighted when a young man across the room started to come to the same conclusion as me: The valleys or low points in our faith are essential to the mountain top and therefore you can't really separate them. I know for me, I feel closest to the Lord in the valley and that's when He reveals things to me and I end up being blown away by his love, grace, wisdom, and faithfulness. It's these moments that change my perspective, change my faith for the better and allow me to grow a little bit closer to the Christ-like woman he has created me to be.
Why was in Nashville? Pretty simple: After studying abroad in the Spring I knew going home for the summer would be hard to swallow so I started applying for jobs all over the U.S. (specifically ones that involved rock climbing). The one that worked out best with my other plans this summer and living arrangements was working at Climb Nashville School of Climbing in Nashville, TN. I lived with my friend Mary Kate and her family. After being there a couple weeks, I decided I wasn't going to be getting enough hours at the rock climbing gym, so I got a job as a waitress at a Mexican restaurant and bar called Chago's.
I knew going in to this sumer that I was putting myself in position where I would not know many people. But to the extent that I found myself alone with all new people in my life was much more than I'd really considered. Mary Kate is delightful, but our jobs and her schooling kept us from seeing each other much. I had also planned to spend time with a sweet girl named Amanda who I went to Italy with, not sure why... but it didn't happen more than once. My two closest friends from college were taking classes and/or working this summer so we didn't talk on a regular basis. I mean, when things got really rough they were always there for me to call, but it's different than having someone there with you. And to boot, I lost a wonderful friendship at the beginning of the summer. Time to just make new friendships, right? Well, that's what I did, but nearly all of them are unbelievers or they claim to know the Lord but Christianity is just a religion that they can claim rather than actual relationship.
This was all new to me. I grew up in a Christian home and in church. I had a hard time with loneliness and depression my freshman year of college but I was at a Christian college where people for the most part were very nice and almost never pressured me to go out and get wasted or smoke pot. In Nashville, I had very little support in my faith. It sucked. But God used it to make the summer extremely awesome. I got through with the Lord. In the past, when I have struggled with loneliness fellow Christians have told me that friendships are important and intended by God to bring fulfillment and joy to our lives. While I do think that is true, I also now fully know that I am completely good with only Jesus and I. The body of Christ is something I should be apart of if possible, but when it comes down to it, all I need is Jesus and He will get me through anything. That's so easy to say and I totally would have said it before this summer but now I know it to be true from experience. And THAT, my friends, is freaking awesome.
When I first met all the unbelievers at my two jobs my immediate reaction was to create a game plan. How do I plan to reveal my faith to these people in a way that will give the highest probability of them coming to salvation. Still being in the bible belt, most of them know something about Christianity but it is usually not positive and tied to many hypocrites. I decided that I'd not hide my faith but keep in on the down low and maybe if they came to like me they would be more open to the idea of God's love for them. (Typing all this out makes it seem a whole lot more ridiculous than it seemed in my mind at the time haha).
The summer flew by and I ended up not saying much about my love for the Lord at all. If people asked I didn't hold back on pouring out my heart... but not many asked. I did my best to love my co-workers with the love of the Lord and be different. With three weeks remaining I started to have a break down. I was worshiping on a Monday night at wonderful church called Grace Center in Franklin when I, not for the first time, was crying out to God asking why in the world He sent me to Nashville. What was my purpose here? I had such good intentions at the beginning, now it was almost over and I felt like I'd done nothing. I did not feel much different from the unbelievers. I failed so much. And they were such nice and loving people. That's when the Lord began to really speak to me. He started by revealing to me the work he had been doing IN me. He had been working on my perspective of the world and unbelievers. Like I explained before, He taught me to be satisfied with His presence alone. This brought me some peace but I was still frustrated. Sure I was learning but I had come to really love these unbelievers. What about them?! Why couldn't He use my time here to reveal Himself to these new friends of mine? Over the next few weeks He gave me some marvelous opportunities to share what I'd been given and I took them. Afterwards though I felt like He'd given them more to make me happy than to really have an impact on souls. I had peace about it all but I still didn't understand.
I said goodbye to my friends with such pain in my heart. Not only am I going to miss them immensely but I feel like my work isn't done because they don't know Jesus yet. I know that sounds silly, but I ache so much for the hurt I see in their lives... my heart is so involved that I began to take their salvation as my responsibility. Even now, I'm crying as I attempt to find the words to explain all this.
On the 9 hour drive home I listened to a sermon by Louie Giglio called
Grace Moved the Stone. It was from God. Louie explained that before I even arrive, God has already done all the work for me. All I have to do is show up... in any circumstance and any place. What shocking freedom! The kingdom of grace. God isn't asking me to raise Jesus from the dead, defeat the enemy, build up anything, save anyone... I just have to show up. HE does the work because it's HIS glory that I'm "working" for. But that work I do is just a matter of opening myself up and sharing what He's given me and continuing in my relationship with Him. "
Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." - James 1:27 God is working in my life, your life, and the lives of my unbelieving friends. It also made me feel better to hear a pastor that I look up to say that he had the same mentality about how to open up a sermon as I did about coming to Nashville and sharing Jesus with unbelievers. We get so focused on how to go about it and we try to do it ourselves. God's already done all the work though, I just have to open up and let it happen. I can walk into any situation knowing that the stone is already moved away, HE DOES THE WORK! I don't have to stress because my friends don't get it. I will continue to pray for them and God will continue to work... whether it be through me or someone else. It's also comforting to know that He knows that I'm not even capable of doing what little he's called me to, so he's given us the Holy Spirit to strengthen and guide us in doing the great commission!! HALLELUJAH!
I'll wrap up by simply saying God is good. He is more than enough. If we seek, we will find. I hope this entry encourages you to move through the rough times in life with joy and with the knowledge that the Holy Spirit is with you and will provide everything you need. I have found joy in my struggle. To the point now where I would rather be challenged because that's when I lean on the Lord the most... that's when I learn and grow.
“When I understand that everything happening to me is to make me more Christlike, it solves a great deal of anxiety.”
Guilt is still present, but it's not nearly as potent. At first I thought this meant I was becoming numb, which scared me, but now I think that perhaps other lies of Satan are taking it's place. Falling AGAIN to this sin has made me feel hopeless, like I've in some way lost some of my worth, and that I am completely inadequate of calling myself a woman of God. I know that at the core we are ALL inadequate and in needing of salvation... but I guess I feel like I've crossed some stronghold from a woman who, while still making mistakes, honestly pursued righteousness and the Lord in everything to a woman who still loves the Lord but is so caught up in the lies of the world and the flesh that there is no truth or righteousness that pours from her. My manner of life has not been worthy of the gospel of Christ. I listened to my flesh and took a bit of deception and now I'm sick because my spirit that longs for the Lord can't digest it. I am "no longer the woman who walks in the confidence of ultimate artistic design." Submit my name change, we'll call me... compromise. But that's not me!!! I am not her, cause I'm called to be so much more. I love the Lord so much. I am a woman of a different status.
