Someone unseen

I almost always come here when I'm frustrated, upset, or overflowing with things to say with no one to listen. If someone were to only read my blog I suppose it wouldn't be a very balanced view of who I am. I guess that's not the purpose though... I don't have a blog to express who I am, sure that comes in to play... but I think it's more therapeutic than anything. Clearly, I think about the people who read it, but more than that it's a way of putting my thoughts in order before the Lord. It's almost like I'm writing to him, yet also getting the satisfaction of it being put out publicly to be concurred with. We all want to know we aren't alone, don't we?

Well, tonight I'm here because my family is screaming. Fighting. Arguing. Allowing the evil one to get a foothold over something totally not worth it. Everyone pointing figures yet no one taking the time to think that there is someone unseen who has caused it all. From an outside view, I know that they would never allow such an event to cause them to speak so viciously towards each other. One small comment that mounts to an argument we all know isn't worth it. What is this trivial subject? Dogs. Yup. You heard me. Dogs. We have four dogs and they got into a nasty fight. I'm not interested in telling the story, lets just say everyone has their own opinion on how the situation should have be handled and everyone has a favorite dog.

Ridiculous. That's all I can think. Absolutely ridiculous that we let something like this reduce us to how we've acted tonight. If we let petty arguments like this break out in our home, how are we ever suppose to be strong enough to stand together against world. I know that sounds dramatic but if we can't be meek, forgiving, and patient among those we love most, how will we practice that among the fellowship of the body of Christ? Which is an essential part in staying strong in the Lord. And I know my family is not the only one. As Christians we are called to different. Using an excuse for ourselves as being "normal" should never come up in our vocabulary. We are called to be different. We are called to strive for perfection. We are to labor steadfast with what we've been given (Matt. 25:14-30, Luke 19:12-27).

A Moment in the Mountains

I actually wrote this on the 6th but didn't have internet so it's just a tad late.


My family and I are on vacation in Yellowstone with my mom’s whole side of the family (minus a few that weren’t able to come… 14 of us in all). It has been amazing. It took us two and half days to drive here. I’d never seen real mountains before I saw the Rockies. They completely took my breath away. I spent a lot of time with the Lord during the drive. It was just my immediate family and headphones were an essential to survive. Nearly half of my day involved reading my bible, praying, worshiping at the sight of His beautiful creation, and reading Christian novels. But I don’t want to focus this post on those first few days; they were great with just a hiccup or two due to tight corridors with sisters.

What I do want to talk about is that past three days or so. Once we got to Yellowstone things got hectic. With such a big group there is vary rarely a quite moment and I feel guilty sticking headphones in because being here is suppose to be about family. It takes us forever to decide what we’re doing and where it is. Haha Needless to say, I have not spent nearly as much one on one time with Jesus. I’ve kept up my bible reading but vary rarely in a quite place alone and I also pray continually. My roommate is my Aunt who talks endlessly and I have four younger cousins here who are always ready to play. There was one point where dad and I hiked farther than everyone else up to the base of a waterfall. I was able to sit for a while and read some psalms but the group was quick to tell me we had to move on. By day two in the park I was depressed. It was frustrating. I’m in such a beautiful place with family that loves me so much…. How could I be sad? My self-esteem was low too. I’ve been looking at pictures of me and these beautiful waterfalls and mountains. I feel so mediocre and plain.

I’ve been reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge for a second time. It has challenged and taught me just as much as it did the first time. This time though, it’s had a slight negative affect too. I do not doubt there are plenty of good Christian men who have been able to take their wounds to the Lord and grown into strong leaders. What I do doubt while reading though… is that there is one that will love me. I know it sounds dramatic and silly. Eldredge summed up my feelings when he said, “No one is fighting for her heart; there is no grand adventure to be swept up in; and every woman doubts very much that she has any beauty to unveil.”

Then yesterday I was reminded of a few things. We were headed back to Old Faithful Inn after driving around all day finding waterfalls while a few others in our group had been horseback riding. Exhausted, depressed, and frustrated because of it I curled up in the backseat by myself and pulled out my ipod. After reading my daily chapters, I starred out the window at the mountains. Then a lesson hit me that I’ve already learned once before but because of what I’ve seen needed to be taught again. In Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge (woman version of Wild at Heart) there is a paragraph that asks you to think of the most beautiful scene on earth you’ve ever seen (the beach, mountains, anything that involves nature), then Stasi asks the reader to realize that you, as a woman of earth, are more beautiful than all that. Each step in creation was more complex, more beautiful. Dark and light, water and earth, and so on. The last thing created was woman and it was not as an afterthought… all this was incomplete without me. It should also not be taken for granted that God is far more beautiful than all his creations on earth and what I’ve seen is only a glimpse of his glory.

Then my thoughts went a step farther. I am more important than all this. Those mountains don’t have souls. The Lord made those mountains to reveal is love and showcase his glory. Above all else he wants relationship with me. When that fact is once again resonated throughout my body… the thought of not being loved by a Godly man becomes much less depressing. El Shaddai is fighting for my heart. He offers a great adventure and my role is essential. Because of Him I have much beauty to unveil. I have all that I need. He will care for me and if his will, bring me a man of after His own heart that I can share that adventure with.


Unfortunately, Satan couldn’t stand me dwelling so confidently in the Lord and hit me hard again last night. That struggle is harder to publically talk about, which is probably what makes it more lethal.

Sometimes I get annoyed because I feel like I’m relearning so many essentials of my spiritual walk that I should already know or have conquered. I pour myself out to him, what more can I do? I know there will always be struggles… but shouldn’t I just have new ones? Haha Am I really growing at all if I still fight the same battles? I’ve never really had a mentor and what I would give to change that! My parents and I have almost walked our spiritual walk together and I guess I’ve just never met an older woman with whom it all fell into place. I guess it’s not an essential, but it sure sounds appealing.

Mmmmkay, I think I’m done. I can’t think of a graceful way to end. If you’ve read thus far… I’m surprised and would love to hear your thoughts. ;)